Virtual Psychosis

Standing in the middle of my room in a hospital gown, I furiously was scribbling the video game idea I had had in the dark. I was in a video game, trapped on the second level, though I had barely mastered the first in being able to figure out how to get access to a telephone to give instructions to the outside world to inform those not present during my mental break of my plight. Once a wise scientist, I was now trapped in a mental hospital. My nurse, Brendan, had given me a cup of crayons and as much paper as I wanted to appease me and keep me in my room for awhile until the pills kicked in and I fell asleep.

I hadn't been sleeping. That should have been an indication that the actress was suffocating beneath her mask. It's not like I ever had a normal sleep schedule but it was worse now. Monster flowed through my veins and my eyes were bloodshot as I avoided the frigid abyss of sleep every night until my purple bedroom walls were illuminated with the blue haze of the morning light. The nurses made sure to open the blinds in the morning for us, even when we requested not to. I struggled with boundaries. That was the first level's password - awareness. The tutorial's was rules. I wrote a smiley face on the paper when I figured it out. Had I been a programmer, the game might have been simpler but virtuality reality games were always difficult.

I never gamed before but watching them, I knew enough to recognize what was going on here. The game premise was that I had gone from a scientist struggling to make something of herself to a mental patient. I had the socks to prove it. The goal was to figure out the password. Everyone in the game is an NPC that acts as though they don't know the code, but they all have a code that I have to decipher from how they react to my actions. There are other patients. They have their own shit going on, but we'll interact. There are nurses. They are there to help, but keep their distance. There's a doctor. I can't distinguish him yet, but I know he's there. From somewhere in the distance, there is a silent force controlling everything I do and helping me correct my mistakes.

The tutorial's password was rules. I have to eat three times a day. There is a menu that comes and I box in what I want or I get whatever they serve. They serve grits. I hate grits. My cousin's grandmother made them too dry once and it ruined them forever. I have to wear my socks to leave the room. That's an easy one. I don't like feet. The floor is cold. Grey looks good on me. There's no bar soap, only liquid. That's a stupid rule but I guess it's easier to buy in bulk. No sharp objects, like pencils. You can use the phone but you have to be quick and you have to ask. They turn it off behind the desk at 8pm. Dinner is at 5pm. The nurses control the TV but if you word it right and say please, you can get the channel changed. Olivia likes Elmo. I watch it with her.

The first level's password was awareness. I had the rules. I knew the people I was with. Olivia was a sweet woman. James didn't like me. There was a man that screamed down the hall. I didn't like the noise so I stayed in my room. I had a Bible to read. I learned the TV. I got my meals. I wrote the rules cryptically in three languages so no one could tell that I knew just in case a new enemy appeared. My parents said I talk too fast to tell them the answer. They tell me to get better. I am better. The nurses say they'll move me but nothing will change. I don't need my crayons but I bring them anyway. I do need my paper. My gown has a pocket where I keep it. I've passed to Level Two. Olivia gives me a note when she is discharged that she liked and would miss me.

The second level is where I currently stand, in holding, waiting. There are different people but the nurses kept their word and stayed the same. We do activities now. Tomorrow, we go to the gym. I get eggs and bacon and potatoes tomorrow. I like the burgers. I furiously make a plan of attack. Act right. Read James 5, verses 7 to 13. Watch Jeopardy with Kim. She's an older lady that is very nice. She's there because she tried to kill herself. I'm here because the world's still going too fast. I don't know what pills I take anymore but my brother assured me that my therapist knows what is going on. I trust Anna. My door opens to illuminate me, a crazy person, hunched in the dark scribbling in crayon though I can now use golf pencils.

"Are you okay?"

"Playing a video game," I respond with a cheeky smile. Maybe I'm coming back. The nurse can't tell.

"Be sure to sleep," the nurse says before closing my door and walking away.

Confusion. That's a good tactic. I note it, then hear another nurse. Medicine time. I hide my paper and lay in my bed, waiting for the sedative that will allow me to leave holding and work on getting to whatever awaits me at Level Three.