Never Stranger Than I

I wonder what would come out of me; if I sliced myself

right now

I giggle mischievously

As I drag the dull blade along my arm

Would it be blood?

A nebulous tide?

Butterflies?

Many humans wonder

As humans often do

What actually is me

And what actually

Is you

I am sitting on a makeshift sofa, writing my next great novel

A philosophy teacher I had a massive intellectual crush on

Once confided in me,

Over a pack of cigarettes and bottle of bourbon,

That I could be the next great American novelist

If I weren’t a hopeless alcoholic

Can you even imagine? I hope that you can't

For if you can

We

The collective We

Have failed you

Gravely

There is no apology to offer

What can I say?

It's your problem, not mine.

I walk to the kitchen and heat the kettle

I pour myself a cuppa that good ole lesbian tea

May as well jump on me ole Harley

And head to the teahouse

For another slam-poetry competition

I grab my neckerchief

And briefly contemplate tucking it into my back pocket

Just for the queer sport of it

I can’t decide whether to smash the beer bottle

Into his temple

Or into his eye

He deserves both

If I have anything to say in the matter

I always have something to say in the matter

The poor ole fucker was an idiot

And arguably deserves to be blinded

He doesn’t deserve to see another woman

Ever again

But if I blind him

He’ll never learn

Alas!

Also

It would be really bloody

Stabbing someone in the eye seems

Extraneous

Even to me

I laugh as l leave

Despite my best effort

Now, they will begin to take me seriously

I think

As I shut the door behind myself

I walk to the bus stop

Everyone rides the bus to nowhere

I think as I board

I sit next to a guy

He smells

Like he’s been awake for a few too many years

That he’s lived to regret

Not caring what the guy has been through

I decide to take take my supplements

I take three yellow pills

That seems appropriate

Now If I can just make it through

One more day

That seems an impossible feat

I look at my feet

I notice a few specks of blood

I wonder if anyone else will notice

I cast a quick glance around

And realize people are only as aware of me

As I am of them:

Tangentially

We’re all sleepwalking here

This is all so base

This all so divine

I decided to leave him blind

In the end

It wasn’t nearly as gory as I’d imagined

Things are rarely as bad as you imagine

I am holy

Impervious

But subject to man’s laws nonetheless

I get off at whatever stop this is

It’s good enough

And fun that I don’t know where I am

I never know where I am

But I do need to wipe the blood from my shoe

Just settle down

Get married

Have children

Buy a house

Do all the things they say

But they say so many things

And I have not so many years left

Everyone thinks there will be something more

Than this

I use my neckerchief to wipe away the blood

I’ll have to part with it

I sigh

Another one bites the dust

Not the man

The neckerchief

It’s the third I’ve parted with

In as many weeks

Why am I so weak?

When it comes to women, anyway

I am fearless

Reckless

Ambivalent

And hopeless

When in love

But I’m never really in love

Am I?

It’s always unrequited

Life is a lonely game

But it’s time to play

So I walk into the nearest building

It’s a hotel with an all-night bar

What luck

I don’t believe in luck

Any more than I believe in fate

But these dreams keep following me

So I’ll go inside and have a drink

Talk with a stranger

No stranger than I

The barkeep smiles inoffensively

As I enter and sit at the bar

This indicates I’m open for conversation

It’s a rule as tacit

As it is ubiquitous

And, as it turns out,

Tonight

I want to talk

I want to tell my story

I give people so many chances to understand

My story

Too many

To no avail

People are the worst

And best thing

About living here

Within 10 minutes a man sits next to me

He pretends that he wants to know my story

In hopes of fucking me

Debasing me

We both know I won’t put out

But his ego won’t allow him to stop

And my boredom is fathomless

So we continue

What brings you here?

He asks with no real interest

Nothing

I reply

It’s the most honest thing I’ve said

In years

It’s easier with strangers

Because they’re never stranger

Than I

It’s shift change and the next barkeep

Coming on

Is coming on to me

I think little of it

At first

Although I do enjoy flirting

And she’s pretty enough

In an inoffensive way

After a few more back and forths

And a few more whiskeys

I decide she’s attractive

Maybe she really wants to know my story

I think

As I knock back another shot

In that way that makes women hot

I don’t understand why

I only know that it’s affective

She asks where I was born

Says her name is Tamara

I can call her Tammy

I won’t

I hate that name

So I call her Love

Because what’s in a name

After all?

Love, I’d rather hear about you

I say

Disarming her

Like I do

The best way through me

Is through you

I never thought I’d find myself here

But that doesn't matter

I understand enough to know

I’ll never understand myself

But still

I give this Love a chance

To know my dreams

My secrets

Me

Even knowing it will never be

Who knows

I think

Again

As I drink her in

Now drinking Gin

Anything is possible

She winks at me in way

I’d once disdained

I want to see through her

But I can’t

Or won’t

Either way

I don’t

These things are as trivial

As the kisses we steal

Between patrons

Gin

And lies

The game is afoot

And I always win

But I rarely drink gin

When she asks me to stay

I know that I will

I wait in her hotel room

A perk of her job

I shower before I nap

Which is good

There is more blood than I thought

There always is

I dream of angels

I don’t believe in angels

If angels were real

They’d lead me to my soulmate

Rather than this befouled room

Where am I?

I awake to her touch

More tender than I’d imagined

But then

I hadn’t imagined much

Time to fuck

I take my time with her

Am tender in return

I’m not sure why

There is no why

I enjoy being with her

In ways that defy logic

There is no logic

For a few hours

I don’t want to

Gouge anyone’s eyes out

No matter how deserving they are

Slit anyone’s throat

No matter how lovely it is

For a few hours

I don’t want to die

All of life comes rushing back to me

In a torrent

I realize

I’ve never understood anything

Because I understood too much

Too soon

People don’t normally people

This way

And that’s the problem

About caring too much

About not caring enough

When all the world is quiet

When it all

Fucks off

Just a little

When I am left alone

With myself

I realize

Every fucking day

I am more

And less

Of myself

Than I was before

While fucking Love

I can’t remain disembodied

For the first time

And I hate it

So I fuck Love harder

Instead of retreating

Love pulls me closer

I whisper

More to myself

I can’t

You can

I don’t want to

But you will

You don’t know me

No one does

You don’t want me

I do

This is the most Love

Has ever spoken to me

Or ever will

Because I will kill Love

I always do