Addiction
I am drowning in _________.
I cannot make it stop
A persistent, agitating need to _______ something,
tugging, pulling at me.
Alone I stand before
the foaming wall of gray past
rushing at me
Craving crashing over me,
wave after wave
I hold myself against them,
As they batter me about
again, again, again.
I am drowning in _______.
The yearning is always there
But maybe that’s not right
Maybe I just can’t hear…
But I'm starting to.
There is something there
under the waves.
a whispered message,
an old truth.
I don’t know if I can,
if I can take it.
Maybe I can’t take the
pain of it.
What is the truth?
What I thought were
waves of craving are
actually waves of fear,
resentment, sadness, grief.
Old emotions, tensions,
frustrations coming back
to me in this moment,
stirring me up, pulling me
around.
Standing still,
with these edgy emotions
while not _________
feels like holding my breath.
Can I stand it? Can I
tolerate this stillness,
these feelings without
a fix, a little something…
No.
And so the waves come
back to me. I call them
back to me, abandoning
my self in this moment
returning to the fleeting
moments of safety
each ______ brings.
For a moment I can
breathe.
Now I understand,
Now I see.
The _______ washes away
this sense of
wrongness,
of panic.
Washes it
down inside me. Again,
again, the ______ washes
over me, through me.
Filling me up, saving me
from this intolerable moment.
But drowning me over time.