So.... how do I do this again? Yes, write. Just write and something will come to you, you got this! ....

Nooo, okay, put the phone away. You used to be so good at this. Yeah. Yes, you were! Come on, girl. Write what you know, come on... Goood, why tf am I talking to myself like I do to a horse? Or a dog maybe? Uh, this sucks! I want my talent back, I want this feeling back that I used to get when I was in the flow for hours on end! I just want to skip this last year in my memories. I don't want to think about what else I might have lost along the way. And all just for that ... asshole! Yes you, you fuckwhit. Stop staring at me from behind my eyes! Oh god, that sounds..psycho? wrong? Why is he still in my head? Why do I see him with that judging, pretentious half-smile?... Oh yeah, I know. Because that's how you.. no, he (get out!). How he looked at me when I did something that he didn't approve of. Something he made me feel small for doing or liking or just thinking about it. There was no escape from that look, from him. And it still feels that way. Now I give myself that look in my mind when I do something I love. I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to feel sad, or ashamed or.. whatever for writing. Or just talking to my plants. I've missed you, my loves. I am so sorry for pretending to ignore you. And I am sorry for ignoring you - myself. I promise I will learn to love us again. I will take all that love I wasted on this ugly person; I will wrest everything I gave to him out of his dark, skinny, cold hands that used to take so much from me. And this time, I will put it to good use. For myself first. Maybe. I will try, I really will. And look at that. 257 words of self-loathing, 86 words of kindness. And 343 words of the start of something new. My new.