June 19th.

I’d like to believe that

had time been kinder

to you,

to me,

to us

We would have been spending today

laughing about random things

while sharing a nice cup of warm tea,

just back from a shopping spree.

I would have told you

how I haven’t spoken to him

in a hundred and seventy days

and that

this time,

although it’s taken everything out of me

I’m not going back…

and you would be so proud of me…

you would be so proud.

I would have told you

that I love you the most,

again and again.

I would have asked you

to teach me about love

about cruelty

about the intricacies of the heart

and I would stare amazed

when you’d say

“But dearest, they are all the same”.

I would have asked you

what can be done

about all the inherited rage in me,

about all the fury for the injustices you faced,

about all the grief and heartbreak I have that won’t leave me be

about all the anguish and despair I have that debilitates me…

But I cannot decide what’s worse:

To be met with stone cold silence

in an empty room

where no light goes in

and yet the darkness

is still too bright

Until I realize

you’re not here,

and you haven’t been

for a long, long time,

Or for me to be seen

as a stark reflection of you;

with sad teary eyes,

you know how it’s going to be for me

you’ve always known…

I am but a little piece of you…

Don‘t let me go,

Mother

don’t let me go.

Hold me.

I need to be held by you.

I need you.

~Loss.

- happy 61st.

- the days now are just a blur, spent in anguish, wishing to be done for good and come to you.

- in another universe the universe was kinder to us and you didn’t die when I was 19.

- for me, here, now, all the losses have been faced, this being the most brutal, cruel one.

-there is nothing more for me here.

-please come back.