ASTROLOGY 2.0 (ASSHŌLOGY)
PRESS RELEASE FROM THE INTERNATIONAL ASTROLOGICAL UNION
In response to the scientific community which has successfully propagated the idea that astrology is bullshit, we of the IAU have proposed implementation of a new astrological classification based--not on the Zodiac--but the Blowbac system. That is, what people are, based on how they act and the names given them by others.
This is felt to be more accurate than describing individual Zodiac signs, which label persons as bold, competitive, energetic,...loyal but stubborn...versatile but impatient...passionate but uncommunicative, and the like.
Such vagueness is the very reason for science calling Astrology bogus! Imagine people--not as how they act being predicted (vague and wrong), but how they act, in daily predictions. The accuracy's already there on the front end. Science can go fuck itself.
Thus, Astrology reimagined as Asshōlogy, will again re-establish accuracy to personalities and more aptly predict how people's days will go according to horoscopes (now called "fluoroscopes").
Dates of birth will no longer differentiate person types, but how they act. Herein are the NEW SIGNS, to be used immediately:
Dicks: rude and inconsiderate, but just don't care.
Assholes: usually men--rude, but derive entertainment out of it. Fuck you over just because they can. Two steps above "Dipshits" (see NEXT); one step above "Dicks" (see ABOVE).
Dipshits: always men--rude but clueless; stupidly inconsiderate. Fuck you over and don't even know it.
Losers: not rude, not crude, just clueless. Just fuck themselves over. Over and over.
Shitheads: rude and crude, bringing whole otherwise upstanding families down.
Scumbags: males who are rude, crude, and lewd. Two steps below "Losers."
Skanks: females who are rude, crude, and lewd. Two steps above "Bitches" (see BELOW).
Douchebags: females or males who insist you should act just like they do.
Fucktards: "Assholes" (see ABOVE) who try to fuck you over but can't because they are too fucking feckless to actually be "Assholes" (see ABOVE).
Numbnuts: (singular and plural) — "Fucktards" (see ABOVE) who wouldn't even think of fucking over those who deserve it.
Assclowns: "Scumbags" (see ABOVE) and "Skanks" (see ABOVE) who have ambitions; also, politicians.
Bitches: female "Assholes" (not anatomically, but Asshōlogically). Usually, successful women mislabeled by "Losers" (see ABOVE).