Ya filthy animal ;)

I never entered this challenge. I don't know why the fuck not. What made me feel too anxious to. What, would someone be upset by my thoughts somehow? It's a writing app. Just like the rest of the world, the Cheshire Cat said it best.

We're all mad here.

I enjoy how madness is portrayed in movies. I like watching loopy characters. They always feel relatable in a way because I can always feel a bit of my insanity from time to time, thrumming under my skin, desperate to be let go and let loose. Buzzing about under there like a thousand little minibees.

I'm fond of my crazy. By crazy, I guess it isn't truly madness in the way madness is usually seen. Usually? I don't know. I've had my moments that might seem good enough for a psych ward, loony bin (I like this word couple tis weird) or asylum. But like... You know. It's all a matter of hiding it when you want to let it out. Suppression.

Problem with suppression is it may help you stay in people's good books, sure. Keep you out of the so-called trouble and embarrassment I might be so certain will come. And to me, shame feels dangerous, right? Overwhelming. So in that way, you avoid so many bad emotions

Just have to swallow it all up, big as it might be, no chewing allowed. Stuff that massive balloon into a box with the rest and brush it off when one pops and you can't help but hit a little wall or scream into a pillow or break down into smiley tears...

This is getting a little out of hand. Not what I'm writing, it feels both sensible to me ofc cos I'm writing it but moreso like garbahj. However... No one knows me and I know no one and it's okay like that. Maybe.

A person on a tiktok asked another character on a tiktok if they'd be upset if they ended up not getting married before they died. She hesitated before she said no. And so did I. So I guess I want marriage. It's just... I want it not with a man. And I don't think that's what people expect of me.

Which is fine. Look, I've had my share of struggles. Some assault and childhood trauma, some depression and social anxiety, panic attacks, twitches, so on. I guess I should be relieved that after giving up on law, my biggest issue is knowing I want no friends while knowing part of me would like one and being gay + what the fuck I do with that.

My sapphictude.

My parents will kill me. Big whoop, I abandoned the degree they chose for me so disappointing em once more wouldn't be all that shocking.

Sometimes dreams die. Sometimes we just make new ones and sometimes we can't. And everything is hard and empty. I don't think the emptiness lasts, though. The way I see it, the universe was sort of empty too, in a way. But new things kept coming in, you know? To fill up the space with colour and insanity and music?

Insanity to me seems to be everything that gives off chaotic energy, including stuff society may not like. But everything is chaos in a way. It's frustrating. It's also a relief cos if I had my whole life planned out the way I saw it when I was studying law for my father, that... that grey, endless, inescapable fog of numbness? I dunno. It's much more suspenseful when you have no idea what the fuck is coming. You can only get anxious about it or plan though it can't always work that way or just... Chill and vibe apathetically?

Sometimes I feel really pathetic and sometimes I know I'm lying to myself but it's all that helps. Sometimes the past gets triggered in my head by hard things and believe me, the things I remember from the backwards times are always the harder, harsher, hurter shit. So I avoid it. But anyway. Anyway...

Anyway.

I don't have a reason for this.

You're right. I'm being too serious. Shows like Hannibal, like the Joker (both Dark Knight and the recent one with his name right on it go Leto), like Umbrella Academy... I hope some day I can just say fuck off and be myself always. Even if it only happens when I'm living in a home on my own, free to do me. It's not that I'm not me. It's that I begin to puppet around people. Or I put myself on mute. Or, on the rare opposite with friends, I go the opposite way and fill the peaceful silence with noise. My noise. I can be so loud. It's always strange when I'm so used to my quieter self.

In the end... I may never be good enough for myself. I may die with regrets. Tbh, only regret I'd have if I died tomorrow was I wish I'd kissed a girl, maybe fallen in love. Cos that's one of the big dreams, right? Only one I wanna grasp out of the whole big house with a car, wife and three kids spiel. Just that one. But I'm worried. And telling myself I'm not good enough might just end up the very reason why I don't end up being good enough.

I guess I'm cool with me hiding in the shadows, it's quiet and cool there but I hope I try to get me a cosy little rogue partner while I'm down there. I hope the dark doesn't swallow me up again too harsh, it was pretty bad for many many years and I'd like to keep it away if you don't mind, dear existence of mine. I hope my period some day disappears and never comes back. I hope to see more sexy, big-hearted, sweet, soft ladies I simp over on TV. More mentally ill, adorable little men on TV too that I adopt as my children who remind me that not all guys are unkind. Not all guys are my father and those nasties on the internet, not all women are the dangerous ones that have fucked with me in different ways.

Not all people are bad people, not all experiences are meant to be terrifying, the outside world is not a devilish hell to stay the fuck away from always, humanity is not a scourge and plague and curse that I must avoid or be ruined by. I hope I am kind to myself because I'm always considering other's feelings to my detriment, like an idiot, like an idiot who was raised that way and was forcefed the consequences with time.

It was my choice though. I could've been different. I chose this person. I chose this me. This... Uzo. And they're... Strange. And bizarre. And someone to worry about at all times. But they're wonderful. They really are. The way they enjoy things. The fondness and pride and awe they can feel for people they've never met, places they've never physically seen, experiences that are not theirs. They have a heart that weeps often but tries to at least.. Be. And they got me through a boatload of shit without throwing ourself off a cliff so...

I owe a lot to them. Every yummy food and good movie/show and intriguing book. Every good moment. The bad ones can go fuck emselves.

Anyway. Anyway. Any gay.

I've been writing for a while now and m tired. Byesies. Take care of thineself always, ya filthy animal ;)