“It” - A life Surrounded by Quotations” or (The Neurotic’s Eulogy II)

I (ALWAYS) feel like I'm just this side of “getting it.”

What “IT” is that I'm supposed to be “getting” is where I (ALWAYS) “get lost.”

“IT” however, seems to be the “Master of [elusive] Illusion.”

“IT” (often) leaves me …

“Treading [deep] water.”

G

A

S

P

I

N

G —

in a “sea of ambiguity,” alone and desperate, hoping, someone, anyone,

(maybe even YOU) will show me (specifically) what “IT” is I'm missing.

So I can take a BREAK —

So I don't DROWN.

(in suffocating exhaustion)

And DIE.

Jesus, “if I am nothing else, I am [predictably] neurotic.”

Also

KNOWN

As …

“The girl who never quite ‘got it.’

BUT, you really had to ‘admire her spirit.’

BECAUSE some of the shit she went through…

Man,

I couldn’t handle “IT.”

This

(of course)

is followed by

(pensive)

“downcast eyes,”

(lamenting)

“inevitable sighs,” and

(notorious)

“long pauses”…...

An interlude.

Cast over a cynical shadow they can't escape.

“IT” never broke her [spirit] though.”

(Oh, I assure you all that “IT” did. But “IT” is [thankfully] OVER.)

Another

(notorious)

“long pause” ……

More

(pensive)

“downcast eyes.”

And

(of course),

The

(lamenting)

“inevitable sigh.”

No one knows what to say.

Not a one ever did.

So they fill the void

with useless noise

complete with idle chatter…

“IT” is a hell of a thing.”

More

(pensive)

“downcast eyes.”

(I want to giggle. “IT” is so remarkably unremarkable, “IT” is laughable.)

They (momentarily) stifle their chuckles (hands stuffed in their pockets), rocking (slightly) back-and-forth on their heels, because after all,

“IT” is what you do.”

“Keeping up appearances,”

at somber occasions

before someone (I like to imagine "IT" is YOU) catches on and can no longer contain themselves because

“IT” really was “something else.”

Because …

“IT” was irresistible.

Inevitable.

And YOU know

(if I was there)

I would be laughing

at “IT”

(with you)

too.

You all are trying

(with the “stiff upper lip”)

Keeping your (threadbare) composure

Discussing MY life,

Surrounded by ostentatious quotations,

knowing “good, God damned well” that I hate to see YOU cry.

So YOU laugh

Your brawny laughter

(Surrounding me in “quotations”)

With that smile of yours,

I “just adore”

because

(I loved YOU)

“IT” has to be enough

(for us both)

before that bullying, cynical pause resurfaces.

“And MAN, she could tell a tale” …

“That laugh.”

“And then there was that smile … ”

(Too bad YOU never saw “IT”)

~A.B.K. ~ ©2019

~rewrite ©️ 08/14/2024