Was I Ever Truly Whole

I promised myself I’d remain whole

Although I’ve fought it

Struggling to be an individual

Amongst misanthropic narcissists

Yet I remain whole

Even as cracks appear

On the periphery of my psychē

I continue to be whole

Perhaps I’m losing my mind

While hiding in the corner

Behind the asylum wall

.….As I lay here

.. .Thinking through the pain

.. .Writing down notes

.. .Attempting to stay sane

.. .I have kept silent

.. .Not ready to complain

.. .Hoping to create

.. .The sacred and profane

.. .No longer happy

.. .With just the mundane

But I’m still barely whole

Schizophrenia chases me

And paranoia whispers in my ear

The instability grows

I’m fighting to remain whole

I remember unpleasant experiences

Listening to the lunatic ball

Linguistic madness becomes apparent

My wholeness needs to persist

… .Demons wait for me

… .Lining up the cocaine

… .Regardless of consequences

.. .Flushing life down the drain

… .Reality is clear to me

… .I have gone insane

A hollow existence must be avoided

Along with formless desires

And vacuous excesses

I force myself to stay whole

Chaos is transforming my life

Nonlinear problems take shape

Creating massive ups and downs

I feel my wholeness slipping

… .I am neither here

… .Nor am I there

… .Not totally reckless

… .Simply do not care

… .Thoughts are convoluted

… .Yet I’m completely aware

… .Life could be a dream

… .Instead of a nightmare

Memories of childhood trauma materialize

Instigating shame and self loathing

My wholeness begins fragmenting

Am I going absolutely mad

Fatally infected as Ophelia was

Lunacy creeps into my seething brain

My wholeness has completely fractured

… .Trying hard to survive

… .Suffering is everywhere

… .Tucked in an alcove

.Or on the main thoroughfare

… .Outcomes are endless

… .Stress is beyond compare

… .You may not realize it

.But it’s psychological warfare

Emotional disturbances manifest

Accusatory glances from kinfolk

Suggesting maladies imaginaires

Even though family is the root cause

Was I fractured the entire time

Illusory feelings of wholeness

Fragmentary thoughts askew

Could each fragment be a whole