Too Good to Be True
From: Clifton Bellamy
Subject: Regarding my employment.
Dear Mr. Montrose,
I hope this email finds you well. I am reaching out as additional information has been made available since we last spoke Wednesday morning. In light of these new developments, I would like to rescind my resignation. I understand that giving you an hour’s notice of my intent to leave the company was an ill-advised decision. I apologize in advance for the inconveniences my hasty departure may have caused and promise you that, given the opportunity to return, I will rectify any issues which arose after I left.
Upon getting home, I discussed the personal email I received on the previous evening of 4/1 with my parents (who, when they found out I was no longer working, demanded I make things right with you). Much to my dismay, they were emphatic that our ancestral tree has no branches of Nigerian royalty growing from its trunk.
So, the “$25,000,000 American Dollars owed to you from Prince Abache Tunde’s will that is held in trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association cannot be released until the $3,000 American Dollars processing fee is paid in full,” was, after all, an elaborate ruse.
Although difficult to accept at first, in hindsight, this makes sense. It certainly explains why Prince Abache, or any of his descendants, never attended our family reunions and why none of my relatives ever acknowledged his absence. I figured it was because we are humble people, and nobody wanted to flaunt our connection to nobility.
Our last meeting contained some colorful language, mostly on my part. I hope you didn’t misconstrue my zany sense of humor as veiled insults. This was just me trying to lighten the mood to make my exit less stressful. I don’t want you to think I took advantage of your Open-Door policy for airing concerns or grievances. I should have been more professional given all that you and the company have done for me.
Now that we’ve had some time to process everything, I would like to consider our encounter as water under the bridge so we can learn from it while forging ahead by building upon that discussion. I realize I should have used more due diligence before resigning from my position at your company. I look forward to learning from this experience with the goal of becoming a better person and ultimately a better employee.
Anticipating my opportunity to rejoin the team.
Sincerely,
Clifton
From: Milton Montrose
Subject: Regarding your employment.
Dear Clifton,
Your email does in fact find me well. Interestingly enough, as of Wednesday afternoon, things started going much smoother at work.
First, I must applaud the incorporation of whichever AI program you utilized to aid in writing your email. Such a succinct and descriptive use of the English language. From listening to you talk, I didn’t know you were able to express any thoughts without repeatedly interjecting words like, “yo,” “um,” “it’s lit,” and of course, “slay.” This definitely shows initiative for a twenty-something-year-old and hints at maturity.
Second, regarding our conversation. If by “zany sense of humor” you are referencing the comment you made concerning my leadership skills, rest assured, I wasn’t insulted. To be honest, not only did I think “Bozo could learn a thing or two from you about being a clown” was such a witty retort that I’m considering having my wife cross stitch it on a throw pillow, but I was also amazed a person your age even knew who Bozo the Clown was to begin with. Impressive.
Third, my Open-Door policy remains in effect for all current employees, despite a previous airing of concerns and grievances revolving around the phrase, “Ha, suck it, Monty.”
Fourth, you are more than welcome to come back and work for us when, as you so eloquently stated, “Hell freezes over.” I will keep your resume on file.
And lastly, speaking of bridges, feel free to contact me if you need the name of a reputable general contractor who can help you repair the one you just burned.
Cordially,
M. Montrose