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When I woke up this morning I didn't expect how this day was going to end. I went about doing my usual things, checking the websites I frequent and thinking about breakfast and listening to music on YouTube even though I own the albums. The notification took me by surprise, but seeing your name straight out shocked me. I was dumbfounded. Never in a million years did I think I would talk to you again and even less did I think you'd be the one contacting me, it was something out of both dreams and nightmares. What was up? Why were you contacting me almost 10 years later? Was it your therapist asking you to confront your past? I was giddy with excitement and dizzy with dread. Your first words in the chat when we finally texted were so unexpected! You were genuinely happy about talking to me. TO ME. I was floored, relieved, even hopeful.
Now we talk every day again. Little snippets of our daily lives that we file away in our brain to keep along with collages of old faded memories. You asked me if I still write and told me about your writing. I don't write, but I wish I could. I shut myself down, scared and bitter when words don't come out the way I want. I can't even journal right. I can't even e-mail right. What is right, you would ask and I wouldn't be able to explain, but it's never right. I still make an effort this time around just because it's you and I need to. There was so much left unsaid and there probably will be this time around too. I feel myself skirting around the real issue, the past, our unwavering love and my broken promise, but you mention our friendship, not what came after. I'm not sure how to take that, but there's also him in my life to think of. There's no need to decide now and I won't, but I wish you could see these words and understand.
For now it's okay just to talk and we'll see where time will take us.