I could die, but I don’t care

How could I when reality sets in

And I realize how little time I have left

How little time before I belong

To someone else

I could die, but I don’t care

Because the adrenaline makes me feel

Superhuman

I know I’m not

But that’s part of the fun

My mortality keeps me going

Keeps me pushing forward

Because these knees won’t be good forever

And someday my long hair

Will turn gray and coarse

I could die, but I don’t care

Because when I’m gone I won’t feel

The pain of a heartbreak

Or a scraped up knee

But those I leave behind

Will remember my free arms

Raised to the sky

Living for myself

Or a couple of risky late nights

I could die, but I don’t care

Because I’m leaving behind

A good story

To whom I sincerely wish could have been be "the one,"

I’m so over you. I've practice this lie in the bathroom mirror, changing the delivery slightly each time. A constructed truth. I choose to focus on the realities of the statement to ease my conscience. I’m so over this tired, one sided life. But not you. I could never get over someone who never hurt me. Never wronged me. I’m so over the rhythm of my life. The way things could line up perfectly if the timing was a little different. I’m so over listening to your playlists late into the night to try to feel closer to you and the things I will never understand. I’m so over waiting for someone there are no guarantees will come back for me, and the worst part is that I couldn’t even blame you if you didn’t. Because I’m not your problem, and you have no idea how much I wish I were. I’m so over these past few months of uncertainty and constant ups and downs. I’m so over constantly ending up with “he loves me not” far more often than “he loves me”… but you? I don’t even want to get over you. So I don't think I ever will. And I will always be sorry I never told you all the thoughts in my head. I think I could have helped you. But it feels like it's too late now. I'm so over not gaining the confidence to speak up until it's too late. I'm sorry.

The girl you never got to know

Love is a construct created by society

To describe an emotion so complex

We could not explain it

The word is an excuse

To not think deeper

To right off our actions

Because people do crazy things

When they are in love

We are obsessed with

Throwing the word around

As we do many things we don’t understand

So what is love?

I don’t know

And I do not believe anyone

Who says they truly do

But I know it can be a wonderful thing

And I have grown content

With the unknowns

He slid through her mind

Like he was flying down a waterslide

Effortless.

That was the problem.

He spent so much time in her head

That she ran out of the truth

So she had to make up her own.

She knew that this was dangerous

But his lips felt so soft on hers

In this little white lie

In this life they could, should, would have

If she wasn’t invisible

If she was something in front of him

That he could touch and believe.

Until then she was as much of a lie as he.

But the boy was about a million miles away.

That’s always how these things go,

Isn’t it?

Her life became a cliche,

Her favorite guilty pleasure.

A teen rom com

Which in truth wouldn’t be so bad

If she hadn’t confused

The plot she had constructed in her head

With reality.

But by the time she realized what was happening,

She was too far gone.

And she realized she had ruined everything

Before it even began

Because a writer’s mind cannot live in reality,

And sometimes people are just gone

With no poetic beauty.

Only an abrupt and meaningless ending.

I guess I don’t know where this is going

I guess I don’t have a purpose

I guess I don’t have as many friends as I would like,

But I know how to be happy

I know how to forget it all, if only for a little while

And when I do this, when I achieve happiness,

Nothing else in the world matters

I don’t care if anyone’s watching

I don’t care what I say

There are no consequences, no repercussions

I am free and wild, young and careless

And then I go home at the end of the night

I look at myself in the mirror

And all my responsibilities and insecurities

Come rushing back all at once

I don’t have a second to prepare

I go immediately from being happy

To being me

But it’s ok

Because I got to be someone else,

Even if it was only for a night

I got to be the person I wish I could let out more often,

The person more people would like

I can’t be her always

But it doesn't matter

I’m fine with who I am

I’m fine with being shy and easily stressed

I’m fine with keeping everything bottled up inside

I like me

I don’t need everyone else to

I am content

Sometimes someone

Sacrifices safety

So someone survives.

Saving someone

Seldom seems simple.

So strenuous.

So strong.

So surprising.

So significant.

There were times I couldn’t stop myself from going to him. I would tell myself to be strong and move on, but then end up in his arms before the end of the day. I couldn’t separate myself. I was addicted to his company. I needed him in my life. It didn’t matter what he did or all the tears he made me cry, I couldn’t get enough of him. I would turn off my phone so I couldn’t call him. I would close the door to my room and promise myself I wouldn’t open it. It didn’t matter what I did. My obsession with him was greater than any promise I made to myself. So I told my friends. I couldn’t keep myself from him, so I asked others to force me to stay away. It worked for a while, but as soon as they thought I was better and decided they could leave me, back I went. Right back to him. Again and again. And finally, he did something unforgivable. Something that made me never want to see him again. So, I didn’t. I couldn’t keep myself from him, but he could. Over the course of our relationship, he only ever did one good thing for me, and he didn’t even do it for me. He left. And it saved me.