She kept asking the same questions over and over. She wanted to be inside him, to hear him speak; anything would do. She didn't want to be given answers that excluded his participation in her process. She wanted him to guide her by taking her hand. She imagined him loving her and caring for her even from afar. She wanted him to respect her, regardless.

As she let go of who she wanted him to be and listened to who he actually was, she realized their differences. Still, she wanted him. She chose him for a reason that stood in front of her at the top of the stairs and planted her waiting in that spot for him to pass. He meant something to who she was to become. He was part of her.

She wanted to tell him this--and almost did--many times. But she wanted it to last in his heart and be held by him when he fell asleep at night, its essence on one of his pillows. She wanted to be special. She wanted him to look up to her and ask her for advice too, to see something in her that he wanted to be, that he wanted to have. She wanted him to find answers in her.

She never lost hope in the silence between them and all that it meant while they breathed together side by side. It was all she could do to remember her long distance drive with his hand on her heart as she drove across the desert. He helped her breathe; inhales were deeper, exhales were fulfilling, and retentions were surrendering. All of this with his hand on her heart. She couldn't do this for herself.

She learned that she finds her other half of herself in her yoga practice. It lies waiting for her each morning, reviving itself with vigor. But as she leaves, in her wholeness, it seeps away from her bit by bit without his arms around her to hold her pieces together. She needs him to keep her whole, melting easily without his shell encapsulating her.

She grew up alone but she fostered a strong independent heart that took her through her life. Her beauty--that others always seemed to focus on first--was secondary to her heart. As she grew older, to her, her beauty made her sad because it reminded her of how much she wanted his arms around her and where was he. He became the men she pursued, the beautiful men who could have others, who loved her, who emotionally abused her, who ridiculed her heart for loving. That is what her beauty gave her.

She learned at an early age how to be provocative and then walk away. To not connect was to skip over her vulnerable heart. What she really wanted though was for him to follow her. She wanted him to read her. She didn't know how to ask that question... This lasted most of her life.

She learned how to protect herself, in waves of time through relationship after relationship that all built upon each other as a tapestry of heartbreaks. She was tough and then she gave herself to him to have, to love, to cherish. He loved her. She realized it was in her own mind how much he played a part in her heart, and then she couldn't get away from him without guilt or his exploitation of her love for him. She cried, sometimes for her own loneliness, sometimes for her circumstances that left her feeling without her true man who deserved her beyond words and was still looking for her. Her shield went out to protect her heart. She became extraordinary because of her feelings for him which drove her to be who she became.

She yearns to be taken but is afraid to ask. It's easier to walk away and cry silently for a missed chance. She overshadows this desire with humor and extra words that overlay feeling and truth. Its truth is provocative and clear--her true longing. Her heart.

© r.e.l. 5/21/17

i am asked

by somewhere inside me

to move carefully

through you.

you can feel when i

enter the space

between us,

a field where

you are a question

calmly waiting

for me.

every time i clear my mind

to surrender

you invite me

to stay with you.

a hesitation now quieted…

i am not afraid to love you

before you are asking.

© r.e.l. 8/23/16

Originally posted on

https://mysecretinnuendo.com/2016/08/23/hesitation-quieted/

if you saw through my eyes and heart to who you are to me, maybe it would be different for you now in your mind that wanders.

if you saw my teardrops when i think of the way you turn away when i say it wrong, maybe you’d know the truth.

if you remind me of someone who i hurt deeply or who hurt me, maybe you’d know that any word or look could activate that and become you.

if you heard me explain through my wounds, maybe you could feel yourself and me better and then know why i am shielding you from me.

if you knew that i could and desire to protect you and know exactly what to do and how to hold you, maybe you would feel content now just imagining it.

if you knew that every day i imagine where you are and wonder if i could find you in my days, maybe you’d look for me.

if you knew just how much i care and my capacity to love, maybe you could feel my vulnerable self who worries that it would overwhelm you.

if you only knew just how much i could love you…

if you only knew what a hole your absence leaves, maybe you would come back to me.

if you knew how turned on i am just to be by your side, maybe your heart would smile when you saw me.

if you knew how awkward it is for me too to be alone, maybe you would see yourself in my mirror.

if you knew that i already know you from my dream last night, maybe that would help you live in the present right now and connect with me in the spaces between us.

if you knew that to look in your eyes revives me, maybe you would look into me more and see who you are to me.

if you settled into your true self and asked yourself ‘why?’, maybe your answer would be my voice and then you’d know.

if you truly become your heart, you will really feel me… do you still think i don’t care?

if you feel your breath the way i do, sense your presence the way i do, hold your moments the way i do, you would know how much you are loved.

© r.e.l. 2/25/15

Received Perfect Poet Award for Thursday Poets Rally week 81 on Hyde Park Poetry. thank you…

Published on Rebelle Society {poetry} 5.26.15

whenever you want to find me

don’t forget

i’m there in your heart

believe it

it’s ok to cry

please cry now

tell me how you really feel

when you can’t breathe right

come and find me

i’ll take care of you

this has been true

since i first saw you

you are in love with me

i feel

do you find it hard to believe

that i could ever love you too?

is that why your eyes tear up

when you breathe?

all you need to do is

find me and tell me

show me who you are

what if it’s true

and i tell you that

i am in love with you

already

© r.e.l. 8/4/16

Originally posted on My Secret Innuendo®

https://mysecretinnuendo.com/2016/08/04/do-you-find-it-hard-to-believe/

I've been here for a year now but am finally getting to use it. When overwhelmed in life, I found the inspiration to join Prose. Writing has been my savior all of my life. I've always hidden it, until one day I woke up and lost my inhibitions. I created a pseudonym for my poetry, My Secret Innuendo® -- then I got a registered trademark. All of this to feel that this truly is the building block of who I am. My words hold me. But still I hide--kind of, on the internet, alive and out loud.

I've been a freelance copywriter for 8 years now but have been focusing on the dry writing that doesn't expose my secrets, but rather my brain as if that's what I needed. Now I'm only taking on clients with soul. All the while, I want to give myself permission to publish a book.

I have an M.A. in East-West Psychology from California Institute of Integral Studies in San Francisco, with concentration in mind-body medicine and holistic health. I'm also a yoga teacher (yogarobin.com) where I melt into my yoga life and share my introspections on healing and health from a somatic standpoint. My words are the glue that keep me together, along with my thoughts and knowledge.

I hope to be an integral part of the Prose community. Nice to meet you all.

somewhere between then and now

between forever long ago and the future

there is a gap

you are in it

i already love you

no need to wonder

where my mind goes in moments

when our eyes meet

you're inside me

as a voice that knows me better

than i could

opened to you

to whisper for me

grounding me with your eyes

that touch

i might melt

faster than i ever have

just watch me

© r.e.l. 5/18/16

Originally posted on My Secret Innuendo®

https://mysecretinnuendo.com/2016/05/20/just-watch-me/

come to me with your confidence

and all

that you know i want.

you don’t expect me to be someone i’m not,

because you know i am vulnerable, right?

you can see the tenderness in

the reality of my defenseless heart.

i like my voice as it describes you to me

…and now, i have something i need to tell you

in person.

don’t ask me to show you what it’s like to lose a beautiful heart,

mine.

don’t let me go another day before i tell you i love you.

© r.e.l. 1/2/15

[ originally posted on My Secret Innuendo® http://mysecretinnuendo.com/2015/01/02/my-voice-as-it-describes-you/ ]

in a moment i can imagine myself there.

and you. you are there walking by my side.

the air is smoky because our eyes are glazed over.

i cannot see past your face.

we know we are here, and it doesn’t matter how we got here.

i think of you and this day in a time that is later.

i don’t need to find you now to work out the details how to get there.

i just know it’s the way you hold my hand that matters most,

the way you hear me when i don’t speak, and hold yourself toward me as if we are still flirting our way into each other.

why don’t we check ourselves in now to the rest of our lives?

© r.e.l. 4/2/15

[ originally published on My Secret Innuendo® http://mysecretinnuendo.com/2015/04/03/why-dont-we/ ]