With your heart you can love 

and your mind you can dream,

With your mouth you can smile

and with your voice you can scream,

With your trust you can fail

and your hope you can try,

Either way we’ll live,

and someday

We’ll die.

So many times i could look up at the sky

And ask why.

Why why why.

This is one of those times i look down and cry.

Nothing is fair, nothing is how it seems

I’m crying for myself, having to witness your pain

Is that as vain as it sounds? Or am i just mean?

The selfish bitch in me knows you can do better.

I’m here and I’m your helper.

Your servant. Let me show you how to love-

No not in the bedroom, though that needs cleaning up.

Love yourself first by putting yourself in the environment you deserve.

You got this girl.

they think I’m as selfish as it gets

and i haven’t done anything for myself yet.

i'm not afraid of you, i'm terrified.

just. keep yourself occupied.

ill hide - count to thirty-five.

.....

I’m getting started cutting ties with the

things that were keeping me down.

It’s a surprise

all the lies and snakes I’ve found.

I've grown wise.

I’m sorry if it hurts you but that’s

not my interest.

I just don’t know how much longer

we all can do this.

playing pretend is exhausting for me.

dust is seeping from the sides of the rug.

running away is exhausting for you.

your body has had enough.

A golden gown flowing from a throne

Lay lifeless in the lair.

Something deep down inside

Something underneath

Pushing up, out of my skin

A whale trying to breach.

No puncture made, no pain received.

Just the knowledge that it’s trapped.

(Am i the leak?)

No ones ever come back,

So they tell me.

And i wonder why, what’s so great on the other side?

That’s kept them away so long.

Here’s a letter to you, my friend.

You’ve been gone for a while.

(And now I’ll be cheesy, and talk about how the morning sun reminds me of your smile)

I never did you justice. Your lips were so so soft, and electric, it was scary.

I was just trying to celebrate New Year’s Eve.

And you left to get back to chemo,

Not with a kiss on the cheek,

You were always so bold, where i was meek.

We were so young then.

It’s the first day of my life, i thought,

As i unpacked bags for my first week of college.

Not a minute later, your death was brought to my knowledge.

“He died today, I’m so sorry” she said.

The first day of my life, and now you are dead.

You were so young then.

I never gave you a chance and slept on you, away from the pain of what i knew would come.

Your body tiny. Bones. Smile growing smaller, but never less bold.

I know. I know. I’m wallowing over something i never got to hold.

I’ll love you forever.

Why should i see another sun?

what is wrong with me that no one wants to be around me?

why am i even here.

and even when people like me

i spend too much time trying to figure out why.

i Just hate how slowly the moments drip by.

like molasses in Alaska.

even if the plan is “dystopian nightmare”

or “utopian daydream”

I’m losing the sense that any of it is worthwhile.

the socks are stuffed.

I’ve had enough.

just like that time we road tripped

and the dogs slept so peacefully in the backseat

you were so tired yet you got us home safely;

time to lay down to sleep in the passenger side once more.

Take me home.