Reality is what a person perceives. Therefore, no one‘s reality is exactly the same as another’s.

To quote Nietzsche: “You have your way. I have my Way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”

What we decide to choose for our reality is truly the precarious part. When we lose trust in our chosen reality, things can get confused. That is when our reality can begin to drive us insane.

As Philip K. Dick said, “Sometimes it’s an appropriate response to reality to go insane.”

Reality can get in the way of enjoyment in our lives if we’re not careful. This happens when we allow negativity to creep into our chosen reality.

Every now and again we just need to abandon reality.

“ Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape one way or another. No more walls.” - Anaïs Nin

scrub a hand through broken leaves,

and tell me it's not at all what it seems

circling thunder like a sickening rumble

through and under and overneath the gardens

like weeds

endless grasping gurgling gnarled knowing

ruts and holes and empty open words

meaningless now that they've touched the sky

like wingtips

hissing over the weight of the wind,

forthcoming and foregoing and forgetting

it's different when you're around and even

differenter when you're not, but it's all

so endlessly confusing

when i'm built of mud and soot and loose limbs

fold me up into a box,

and let me get rained on.

scrub a hand through broken leaves,

and tell me it's not at all what it seems

I have been told this so much, I see it on social media a lot too.

I hate this saying. I KNOW my worth but I don't believe it. There's a difference between knowing something and believing something. And I know people are gonna be like "Well if you don't "believe your worth" than you don't truly know it.

The thing is, is I know I'm human and I deserve respect. I know I deserve someone who loves me unconditionally. I know I deserve someone who is gonna worry about whether I've eaten 2-3 times a day. I know I deserve to feel wanted and loved.

But, I don't believe I'm deserving of that. I don't believe I'm worth the time it takes out of someone's day to give me respect or to be loved or have someone worry about if I'm okay.

You can know your worth but knowing your worth does nothing when you don't believe it.

She was the girl that loved with an intensity so bright, it'd blind her. She'd never see the pain she felt. But when she finally cried out for help, no one was there to care. She accepted her fate and rather than boiling in self loathing for being naïve, she danced. She danced barefoot among her ashes, not caring that she would one day be burned to nothing.

She learned, there was no Prince Charming to save her from herself and that was okay, she'd do just fine. It was just her and her all consuming fire of emotions.

Dear child

swallow your pride

go on and

Apologize.

Dear child

before you leave

take a moment to

breathe

Dear child

dry your tears

don't you cry

for I am here

Dear child

times change

don't be afraid

it's a new day

Dear child

be good

make sure you

do as you should

Dear child

listen to me

trust me and

you will be free

Dear child

I love you

little one

come to me

For the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. Proverbs 9:10

tw; blood, injuries, drinking mention

i.

motivated by the

crushing weight of

the possibility of failure

it rings like bells toll

in my head, pulling and

pressing against my

skin (all consuming)

(crushing guilt)

(stretched apart)

(let go and pulled back out)

CRIPPLED, BROKEN DOWN,

spilled all along

all the things i’ve been

trying to protect

from all my mess

ii.

stars blinking out

(am i drawing away)

moon dancing round and round and round

(am i pulling back)

iii.

wish i knew

when you’re drunk

and when you’re sober,

when you’re stoned

and when you’re stone cold sober,

’cause all my dreams have you

slurring your words,

dancing drunkenly around,

spaced out and in a funk,

but the truth is,

i never could tell the difference

and not with you.

any difference that another points out—

anything my mom says, ‘yeah, she was drunk then,’ to—

just looks like a normal you

to me.

and what does that say

about all the things i miss

about you?

iv.

in my nightmares she and i and you and him and him, we all

sit around a table. her table, with the

thin layer of grease along the top, with the funny smell, with the memories.

and she’s drunk (but the kind of drunk i dream of her being—

the one she apparently never is) and you sit next to me.

we’re eating with steak knives.

and she rolls her head to her shoulder

and she says my name. and she asks me why i loved you more

than i ever loved her. and then you reach over and you stick your bloody

(bloody from a steak i don’t see, bloody, bloody, bloody) steak knife,

you stick it right into my hand. and i don’t scream.

i don’t look at you.

i watch her.

and she’s crying and i’m crying and i can’t see and then she’s

screaming. she says that i ALWAYS loved you

more than i ever

loved her.

and i wake up

and i can’t breathe and i’m clawing at my bed and i

can still feel your knife in my skin and i

can still hear her voice and i

can still feel you next to me and i

can’t breathe.

v.

and i’ve been running and running

and running

this whole time.

pulling back and taking that

sprint for a

finish line i can’t see.

i record my beads (22)

and all the nightmares

and all the pains

like a doctor on the outside. like someone

looking in, but

all from the

outside.

disconnected.

it’s summer

and my friends and family say

“why don’t you come out and play?”

and all i say back, as i duck my head

and set my pencil to the paper, is:

“i’ve got a lot of homework to do, mom, dad, friends, people.”

and i haven’t written much.

i haven’t drawn much.

i haven’t gone to therapy this summer.

i’ve gone to sleep well past midnight since, you know,

probably since the middle of april.

i’ve got to brush my teeth (the dentist says to take care)

(of myself.) i’ve got to exercise (my body says to take care)

(of myself.) i need to eat (my body says to take care)

(of myself.) i need to stop eating (my body)

and my dad said he’d prefer it if i dropped my summer courses.

and my mom said i only have so long to be a kid.

and my family said that i should have a summer.

and my friends said they want to talk and to hang out and to see me.

and i’ve got a lot of homework to do,

but my body (and my parents and my family and my friends and my dentist)

said to take care

of myself.

so i might just do it.

Sane

Neurotic

Crazed

Exotic

Violent times

Peacefully chaotic

He’d forgotten

Why he was there

- - - - - - - -

Snakeskin

Boots

Cashmere

Suits

Mirrored reflections

Of ill repute

Memories of when

He used to care

I get lost deep within

my mind

As reasons to continue

are harder to find

No one wants to hear

someone continuously

complain

When did my life

become consumed

by nonstop pain

I’ve walked with my thoughts

Next to my shadow

Wondering

While wandering

Thinking I knew

Where I was going

Yet my thoughts

Were actually my shadow

So I spoke

But did not walk

For if I moved

I’d be chasing my thoughts

As if shadows on the walls

My thoughts have me enthralled

What happens

When the lights go out?!?