Ayeee I won this challenge!! This is my third time ever winning one on here. Thanks to everyone who reads and likes my work. :D

In small updates, I‘m trying to move on from him as a crush and to just focus on him as a friend. It’s not easy... we talk in DMs every day, which I love and hate because he talks about his irl crush and it crushes me (hehe), but I enjoy talking with him so much… he’s so nice and so sweet and dang it, I hope he finds someone to love fr

This particular day cemented my feelings for him, I think. If I had any doubts, they were quelled. This happened three days after I confided in a friend about my feelings for him, feelings that had been growing for at least a couple of months. I haven't confessed due to events that happened after this day, and a few other more complicated reasons.

It was an early Saturday morning where I had to be up when it's not bright, but it's early. So I get to work and I check on the group chat. I see a message he sent that says, "*X-Files theme plays*", which I tell him is a W (a win) for him. So we exchange good mornings and he asks if I have an early start for the day.

I do, obviously, for me it's 5am and counting, so I'm like yeah and then his response is like "damn. yeah same to be fair". And well, you see, he doesn't work a job that requires him to be working on the weekend. He works some kind of remote work, and I'm actually meaning to ask him about it. I want to get to know him more, in a less group setting, but right now isn't good timing since he's taking a bit of a break from the server.

So I'm like "we got this" and then lots of sobbing emojis and "and you're working your weekend away" and more emojis. I use a lot of emojis, especially with him, but sincerely just in general.

So it's us using lots of sobbing emojis and talking about holiday bonuses, and how I'm getting paid for the work I'm doing and he isn't, and other people talking in the server too about their job doesn't really offer good holiday bonuses either. Also stupid that they're giving him extra work for the holidays, absolutely stupid. Not a fun Christmas gift. And, fun fact, I have my retail job (literally), and I work in HR where he works (not literally, it's a joke that has deep lore), and this is important because he's like "you can put those HR connections to good use right?"

He calls me a "lifesaver" when I tell him that I'll try to talk them into holiday bonuses for next year's holiday season. Which, tbh, still kinda gets to me a bit in a good way. Oh, and he also mentions how he apparently loves his job and wouldn't change it for the world, and well, I have to tell him that's red flag behavior, right? It's the second time I've joked about him having red flag behavior, but um, I'm pretty sure unironically liking Nickelback is red flag behavior. He knows I'm joking of course.

Sooo I'm like "I'm gonna do my best to convince them on the bonuses. He'll need it because he'll have a girlfriend by that point." I'm not talking about me. I'm truly not. I'm talking about the coworker he has a crush on (it's not me, seriously, although apparently we might be the same height, but that's allll we have in common as far as I know). Or I'm talking about the coworker he had a fleeting moment with at the work holiday party thing. One of the two. Up to him of course.

Aaaand this next part gets me soooo confused. Because he's like "Wait... who's this girlfriend you speak of?" and then "Surely..." and finally "Wait, it can't be..." And I hate this because, does he think I'm talking about me? There was the time, when I mentioned the height thing, that he was like "I can't have a crush on HR" and I still wonder... I wonder an awful lot, because I certainly wasn't suggesting that. But um...

Anywayyyy I'm like "That part is entirely up to you and the woman involved ofc" and a blushing emoji. I didn't even realize it was called that, I was just picking it for funsies. And well, I also add "Can’t it? Idk who you’re thinking of maybe it’s her" when he's like wait it can't be... because a part of me is sincerely super confused. Do I ever dare to ask him? This haunts me. It doesn't mean anything, right?

I add, because I realize that we could be talking about me, a comment about how maybe I could pull some strings so he could work on some projects with his real crush. And he talks about how he could never be that lucky, and I, of course, respond with "In the wise words of Justin Bieber, never say never". This conversation takes place over the course of my entire work day (with both of us working in between messages).

Then one of the other server members accuses me of half hitting on this guy. I throw out the flushed emojis because no, I wasn't, but maybe. I could see how he came to that conclusion, but also, he replied to my message where I was like "That part is entirely up to you and the woman involved ofc" and a blushing emoji. Like, that was the evidence, apparently. And well, the crush in question was like "I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about..." and I'm just dying to know what was running through his mind in this moment. Because I was internally panicking because I can't say anything. I have to stay cool.

So I'm pretty much like "sooo, why don't we talk about how you slept?" and well, my crush agreed with this. I loved this day sooo much. I love reading back on this conversation, and our other ones, it's just so fun. It was like two and a half weeks ago. So, a quick rundown on the complications:

1. He lives in the UK and I live in the USA. It's a bit of a running joke that we're not sure if we live on the same continent or not. He's the detective though, so it's his job to figure it out. Basically, the lore is that he was like "going into the office today. Who will I see?" and I'm like "me ofc" and he's like "wouldn't that be something?" and I was like "considering we live on different continents, yeah". So, we've joked about that.

2. He has a massive, massive, massive crush on his coworker. He also really needs closure, I think, before he'd be willing to try anything. Also, he reinstalled a dating app recently. Like, homie, why are you doing that when you could be dating me long distance fr?

3. I like how he is in the server, like he ticks a lot of personality and compatibility boxes for me, from what I know. I don't know what he's like outside of the server. I also don't know what he looks like, so I don't know if I'd even be attracted to him, or him to me.

Is it possible he could like me? I mean, one time I told him that giving him a hard time was my favorite thing, and then deleted it because I was worried it might veer too close to flirting territory. He saw it, though, and recently implied that he enjoys winding me up. It's so unfair. Why do we live across the world??? I want to meet him sooo bad.

Good morning world and all who inhabit it. TO be honest, I don't know what to write here. I Don't know if I want to share all that's on my mind to the internet today.

So today is February 14th, Valentine's Day, and I'm single as a pringle. I'm not doing anything, and I'm okay with that. Okay, I have 1 thing I need to do twoday. Wayt, two things to do today. Make cake and go to this grief recovery class. I'm note even remotely prepared for class and tbh I have broken the "don't go back and edit" rule.

I have homework I istll need to complete for it tbh and I'm dreading it. I'm going to continue to break the rul when necessary. I'm supposed to make a relationship graph about how I Felt about things that had happened to me/were done to bme by a specific person. I won't goin to detail but I'm absolutely dreading it. I have to do my dad. I said I would do my dad. I don't even know what to write on it.

I'm supposed to be dealing with my emtoins, the way things he did made me feel, and I'm supposed to do it in chronological order or something and it sucks. I don't know what to put on it. I don't know how I felt or anything. I didn't even finish all of the reading I was supposed to do. I don't want to go tonight. BUt, I have my partner whose counting on me and I only have three more classes to go before I'm done. I've had a week to work on it and today is literally the firtst day off I've had since last Tuesday. I got most of the reading done.

I also have a cake to make. I have approximately 7 and a quarter hours before I need to leave for my class today. I have time for cake. I got it started by making the raspberry filling part, but I Need to do that baking part. The cooling of the ckaes part. I also could progbably eat something.

I'm not going out for the holiday today. Maybe I'll go out early and get a mocktail from a local dessert place. I could leave a little early and stop by there. I thought about taking myself out ot lunch but I think I might order some fried chicken since my dad mentioned wanting some yesterday. So instead I'll just buy every one dinner. Mkaes today easy.

RIght now I'm having a hard timed staying focused. I had a little caffeine today. I try not to consume it because it doesn't actually make you not tired it just fools your brain into think you're not tired.

So for the cake, I gotta make batter and bake it and let it cool. Yesterday was crab rangoon day and I got the crab rangoonl. Ate the leftovers for breakfast. Might eat something more hearty now. Idk. We will see.

Have a lovely day. :)

When I walk down the aisle at the grocery store,

I see the brand of sauce you used to buy for spaghetti.

I’m longing for your spaghetti.

I miss you.

I don’t know why it’s harder than it was last year.

It’s just that all I want is to attempt to make it since

I saw you do it once.

Last time I brought it up,

my mom bought the right brand but wrong flavor.

I fear it won’t taste the same, but I’d still like to try. Why should it have to die with you?

I know you weren’t blood grandma, but I love you and my heart hurts and I saw grandpa and his new wife again recently and I don’t think that helped.

I wrote the piece in the picture in June of 2020. I know it’s a risk to document this, for if/when heartbreak comes this post will be hard to look back on. But I’ve chosen the risk of getting my heart broken, so I may as well risk this.

For three years, with some gaps in between, I’ve had a crush on him. Three years of pining, of wondering whether or not he likes me or is interested in me.

In August of this year, I met him for coffee. Asked him out myself. It wasn’t romantic or dreamy or anything, and it was nice but boring. There was a lot of quiet moments. Both of us were uncomfortable. Probably. I know I was I literally had no idea what to expect. I hoped it was just an off day for the both of us.

There was no progression for a few weeks. I got Covid in September which makes it hard to ask people out socially, and I was hoping he would ask me to do something next. I prefer the traditional way, guy asks the girl, but modern problems (I want to see him again and he’s not asking me) require modern solutions (I ask him if he’s interested in doing something together again).

So October rolled around and we made plans to take a walk in the park. The day of choice was cold and windy and it rained lightly a few times, even had some hail, but it was so nice to spend time with him. It wasn’t as cold as I thought it would be and we walked at least three miles. Spent a couple hours together. He seemed more comfortable around me this time, and I would say the same about myself.

He picked me up and when we’re on the way to my house, he asked me if I liked scary movies —I don’t, not anymore— but he asked because he wanted to see one with me. Then the day after I was planning to message him after work or something to tell him I had a nice time, but he messaged me asking about going out for Mexican food next week. The plans are tentative at the moment, but we’ll see if it’s possible.

I think it’s possible he might like me which is wild to think about. It’s wild that I get to spend time with him at all.

On a whim I took a risk

and asked him out to coffee,

or something

casual like that.

"Yeah that sounds nice" with a smiley face emoji was his response.

I felt like Plankton when he was like, "I don't know, I never thought I'd get this far."

I offered my days off,

hoping one of them would work for him,

one did, and we settled on a place and time.

"Alrighty, looking forward to it" was his reply when I said I'd see him Wednesday.

Wednesday can't come soon enough.

I want the fantasy I built up of you to be crushed. I no longer want to view you with rose colored glasses but with reality. The cracks in the fantasy ache in my heart. Please give me the release of all of the pain, let me see you more accurately. Let my unguarded heart be laid bare and let it break so I can create a new shell, tougher than the last one.

If it's possible, let the fantasy be crushed so I can like who you really are, not who I made you to be in my head.