I need two jerkoff buddies so I can play VR skiing games the way they were meant to be played.
“I’m a squirter~” She said.
"That meaning I squirt Gogurt tubes into my dads jort pockets when he takes my xbox away FUCK U DAD"
My entire 300+ species bug collection escaped. (warning, there’s bugs)
I sleep nude and with earplugs in, I didn’t wake up when the display rack crashed down.
I only awoke when they crawled up the blanket and onto my exposed flesh.
Flies whizzed around my eyes, darting into their corners for a quick taste.
Spiders scuttled between my fingers and toes.
Centipedes in my hair writhed as their multitudes of legs and venomous mandibles became tangled.
Stinging insects hovered in a cloud over my chest, angry and infighting they would sting at a moments notice.
An army of bloodsuckers dug their proboscises into my veins.
Slimy multitudes inched their way across my body, pores clogging with sticky goop. They worked into my nose and ears and piled into my mouth, across my gums and teeth, under my tongue, scraping towards the back of my throat.
Larger, more exotic ones moved across me with steps big enough to feel each individual foot press against my bare flesh.
When I opened my eyes I was greeted with my rare, 5 inch long, Devil's Flower Mantis staring down at me from its perch on the tip of my nose.
My body shook. I let out a gasp, then a whimper, then a cry.
Then finally, a moan.
I rocked my hips back as my body erupted in orgasm, spraying an unlucky mayfly clean out of the air.
“God I love bugs.” I said, adjusting my glasses and wiping the drool from my lips.
“This is exactly what I got that entomology degree for.”
Gorilla in a Grocery Store
“Tim, could you come to aisle 7, we have a situation going on over here.”
The words echoed as they emerged, sounding awfully scratchy, through the cheap plastic walkie talkie clipped to my yellow uniform.
“Ah shit another shoplifter.” I thought.
I wish it was.
As I rounded the bend past the fresh produce I listened for sounds of commotion. For a few seconds all I heard was the sound of my Reeboks tapping against the linoleum tiles. That’s when I first heard it. It was a low and loud vocal noise, but it sounded scratchy. It gave me a weird impression and I hesitated to look around the corner as if my brain sensed this was not right. I paused for a moment before shaking it off and walking into the aisle.
I can’t exactly say I could’ve been prepared for what I saw. I jumped back in shock and let out a gasp as I laid eyes on it. A large person, at least 6’5” and seriously overweight, was walking around on all fours in a fake-looking gorilla costume. A plastic walkie talkie labeled “Marc” hung around its neck on a string. It played a stock roar sound effect on loop every few seconds.
My coworker, Josh, who was the one who signaled me over, stood at the end of the aisle. He was pointing a camera at the scene and trying to hold in his laughter.
This was not the first time those two had pranked me at work like this, though it was definitely the most elaborate. Usually they’d just hide in the dark corner of the back room and jump out with a “BOO!” when I turned the lights on, or something of that caliber. I had to say I was impressed with the lengths they’d go to get a rise out of me, despite my annoyance at them for messing with me while on the job.
“Alright, you got me good that time,” I said “though that costume was so bad it only actually had me fooled for about a se-”
All of a sudden Marc burst out of the back room. He was wearing a cheap paper gorilla mask, and the walkie talkie clipped to his shirt played a different stock monkey noise on loop. He began walking over to Josh, who seemed distracted.
“Oh hi Marc.” said Josh, still distracted by filming his prank.
“Alright ya ready to call him over?” Marc said “We gotta make it quick I have a doc-”
Marc turned to see me standing there, as well as the guy in the gorilla costume on the floor.
“I thought you said I was gonna do it.” said Marc.
The color drained from Josh’s face as the realization struck him.
“I-I did.” replied Josh “I-I brought you that costume and told you to change into it, remember?”
The man-gorilla crawling on the floor swatted at the shelf of canned beans, knocking a few off the rack. This caused all of us to jump back a little, one nearly hit my foot.
“Hey dude what the hell are you doin?” Marc said angrily to the swatting stranger “You’re the one who’s gonna have to clean that up now just sayin.”
“W-where did you even get that stupid mask?” Josh snapped, ignoring the gorilla-man “and more importantly who is in that costume?”
“I just made this with the back room printer, but yeah I don’t kn-”
The man-gorilla growled in a very deep voice at me, seemingly just becoming aware of my presence. It began moving towards me slowly.
“Alright I’m just gonna unmask this idiot.” I said, quite done with this weird shit and ready to go back to work arranging my CocaCola display.
I moved a hand towards the cheap, head-covering, rubber bear mask. The gorilla-man craned it’s neck in my direction. I grabbed hold of a rubber ear covered in fake fur and pulled up hard. I heard Josh scream. Marc started running. I just stood there in disbelief.
To this day I don’t know how or why someone snuck an actual live gorilla into that costume and into that grocery store.
Needless to say I don’t work there anymore.
I just kept flushing.
I knew it was stupid, I just wanted to see what would happen. Flush after flush it just kept coming. I sealed the bathroom door just to see how far it would go. I was amazed when the water passed my ankles, then my knees. I still want to see just how far it will go.
Just one more flush then.
I should not have done that. The bathroom floor just caved under the weight.
Now I have to clean up the shattered remains of my toilet off the bedroom floor.
Two Truths and a Lie
The sky is blue,
1+1 is 2,
I've never eaten one of the preserved frogs in science class because I forgot to pack a lunch and got really hungry before.
medal, comedy, inspector, shock, convict
Here's your comedy medal, congrats! Hmm? What shock! The inspector says you're an escaped convict!
“See me? What do you mean?”
“No no no not ‘see me’, SEA MEAT!”
“My god you’re right! And it looks so fresh, quick I’ll fetch the meat net you get the fire started.”
“YOU HEAR THAT?! WE’RE EATING GOOD TONIGHT BOYS!”
*boys begin chanting “sea meat sea meat sea meat”*
I can always count on it.
Every morning, even the worst ones, it never abandons me.
The urge to brush my teeth because my mouth tastes like a trash can.
If you open your fridge to find 157 posing muscle boys, don’t panic.
They can't attack unless you try to run or scream.
Stare them down and politely ask them to leave.
If they're persistient you may want to try sprinkling some whey powder on the ground in front of the fridge to lure them out.
If that doesn't work you should consult a professional exterminator.