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The Yearbook
Behind each smile
And slightly north
There lies a mind
In which thoughts lurk
Secrets, feelings, pain and joy
Love me, kill me, let me cry
The face is a symbol, a placeholder
Beneath which lies a complex life
"You're so well dressed!"
But I'm depressed
"Smile wide!"
I'm scared to die
"Say cheese on three!"
I'm smoking weed
I don't believe
Or trust in God
The photograph is a facade
Spiritual Mythos
You asked me, once
What it was
That made me feel
The presence of God
For you, you said
It was the wind
And the stars above
Magnificent
As for me,
I find it's when
I see a glimpse
Of His great plan
Or a sliver of perfection
Tiny miracles
Forging connections
A revelation
In my mind
Of symbolism
In real life
An overwhelming
Joy and peace
At details that
Create a personality
This moment was
Meant to be
I feel it from
My head to feet
Reverberating
Through my body
Despite the pain of
A throbbing wound
I'm overjoyed when
Something bad
Brings something good
When something seems
Impossible
That's when I see Him the most
The world is intricate,
Much like a clock
Many yarns wind
In between
People and places
Temptations and dreams
Now and again
I see the proof
That He's the one
Who weaves the string
And is the force that makes
Every gear move
MOVE ON
Dwelling on mistakes
Is like cursing the earthquake
That toppled your house of cards
Instead of taking time to remake
The design so that next time
It will stand, but no
I'd rather sit around and complain
Crying and whining
"Why didn't I do it this way?
It's too late, but in my mourning
And my resulting haste
I build the next one just the same
And then never fail to be surprised
When I'm returned to crying
Because another earthquake
Has laid bare all my mistakes
I Am Sorry
My feet are too big
Wide, women's, size 9 1/2
It's not what you think
I'm comfortable with my body,
My size, my shape, my feet
But today they just seem too big
Because I feel so small
I feel like a child
Whose done something wrong
Lying and hiding from mother and father
Though it shows on my face
I'm a terrible daughter
I'd like to shrink into a ball
And forget I exist
Float away from this tethering consciousness
Be like a small little mouse
All alone in a sea
Of people who don't know or care about me
After all, you can't let down a stranger
You can't disappoint, or hurt, or betray
Someone you've never met
But I'm here, in the flesh
Though I can't meet your eyes
I'm afraid you'll peer through me
And unmask my disguise
I want to protect you
From what I harbor inside
For if you knew the truth
Of the thoughts in my mind...
You'd be thoroughly disgusted
And never look at me the same
I'm sorry. That's really all I have to say
But that wouldn't change
What you would think of me
Or how I would cause you pain
You really deserve
Much better than me
There are billions of other
Fish in the sea
It just so happens
I'm the selfish type
You should be running away
But in ignorance you stay
And I can't tell the truth
For if you ever left
My fragile heart would break
I'm really no different
From the villain in your story
We're cut from the same cloth
Again, I am truly sorry.
Pointless Tears
"Pointless tears" they tell me
As my heart is ripped to shreds
Inspiring my will to live
To slowly leave my body
I suppose that is the danger
Of sharing my soul with people
Giving them the opportunity
To see the depths of my character, the essence of my person
And to tell me at my deepest level
I am childish and stupid
But of course the only one
Whose ever told me that is yours truly
Me
And all the negativity
Comes from people's reactions
And the way I perceive them
All my idealism, cynicism, and paranoia
Have left me begging on my knees for mercy
From the imaginary criticism of everyone surrounding me
I'm either lacking a self esteem
Or my ego's overgrown
For reasons unbeknownst to me
I have no in-between
Either arrogance or self hate
There is no middle ground and no happy medium
I am never satisfied
Not with friendship, not with life
Why can't I be content?
I don't even know what it is I want or what I think I need
But something's missing, unless I'm imagining that too
And mistaking for righteous searching
What can only be called greed
What on earth is wrong with me?
The doctors say its my endocrinology
My parents say its my lack of maturity
The psychologist blames my attitude
And the pastor says I'm missing God
But how can that be?
We hold daily conversations
Although they seem rather one-sided
When I can't hear the reply
And I feel empty and lonely
But a friend is not enough
I crave something more intimate
Someone who knows my heart inside and out
And who will never abandon me
Or be too busy with someone else
The pastor nudges me and says,
"You know, God is all those things."
So I've heard, and so I've learned
But the question is,
Do I believe in Him?
How can you prove that someone's safe to lean on
That they're walking by your side and working in your life
When you can't touch or see them?
I can't talk to God like a man
But I can't tale to a man like he's God
For that's the quickest path to disappointment
And disappointment is a dreadful thing
Obsession with anything less than perfection
Obsession with anything not omnipotent and omnipresent
Can't possibly be satisfying
Idols are self destructive to the worshipper
Yet I continue to be drawn to them
Ride a high of unreturned obsession
Until it crashes, ending in depression
And perfectly avoidable, pointless tears
I’m Afraid of Artificial Sugar
I'm tired of standing in the rain
I'm tired of feeling only pain
And I'm tired of hoping for change
When all that I see
Is more of the same
I'm tired of attending practice
Rehearsing verses for a concert
That never seems to have an impact
I'm just so tired of being sad
I wouldn't call myself depressed
I know the feeling; it's slightly different
But I feel like everything bringing me joy
Is fleeting and of no importance
Little moments here and there
"I'm so proud of you" "I'll always be there"
A warm feeling of inclusion
Or standing by a resolution
Proving trustworthy to those
Entrusting you with their heart's woes
Releasing all bottled up thoughts
To someone who won't let you fall
The kiss of sweet and warming spring
The sound of songbirds as they sing
The veins that run throughout the leaves
The swaying of the budding trees
Discovering things about someone new
Knowing of something bigger than you
Finding something that you're good at
Being told your instinct was correct
Predicting what someone else will do
Because you know them as well as they do
These are the things that get me through
But then there's the voice at the back of my mind
"These don't last and people die
Look at the truth, the bigger picture
You've got struggles; you've got troubles
There's no way that you'll survive
Much less your loved ones
Some will die
Some do not have
Eternal life"
And here I stand under the rain
Depressed again
I must break this chain
Sorrowful yet still rejoicing
My sugar, it's low
But do I trust this to be glucose?
What if it's just artificial Sweet'N Low?
Teenage Angst
I am not easily offended
However
There is one thing I need to mention
That really needs to change
Because I'm between 13 and 20
All of my problems have suddenly
Become not worth being taken seriously
And if I try to express how I feel
I'm a cheesy, angsty, emo girl
A stereotypical drama queen
Way out of touch with reality
All my emotions can just be ignored
"It's hormones; this wouldn't happen if you slept more."
You think all of my problems
Are made up inside my head
Maybe that's somewhat true,
But understand I'm still in pain
I cannot just "suck it up"
I am suffering from the condition of
Emotional phantom limb
But still, I think the worst part is
Sometimes I wonder if I am
Stupid for caring about something
Do you know what?
I don't need proof
I'm not in court
Here's the deal, plain and simple
If I feel it, then it's real
I think we should start with the definition of "average." Average is the rule. The majority. Average does not exist without a group where a pattern of common characteristics can emerge. When looking outward, we can easily identify who is average in the context of the group. However, we all live as individuals. When self evaluating, and looking inward, we see only our own differences and traits and often lack a true sense of the group. From there, I'd wager most of the time your answer depends on your level of self esteem instead of true self-awareness.
Average is also synonymous with normal. As contradictory as it may seem, a part of being normal or average is being unique from other humans. Taking this simple fact into account, it is safe to assume that most of us are above average in some facet of our lives.
Why
Why do winners wither, watchmen waiver, workers weaken, worship worsen? Why would women welcome witless witnesses with whimsical wants when wisdom and warmth were within walking width? Why wake when wonders wait in wonderland? Why wonder when wisdom's woven web is wider than wits? Why do wild wolves whine? Why will witches with warts withdraw to the woods? Why must wretched widowers and widows wail and want? Why do wires warm with watts? Why don't worms work with wormholes? Why is white worse than whole wheat? Why is water wet? Aren't wishing wells witchcraft? Would you wish for water in a wishing well? Why is Wednesday in the work week? Why do warriors weather weight and want and wars? Where were warnings when we're wrapped in want and wrath? Why do water waves wreck wonders which were worked for? Why would woodpeckers wander in winter without watching for wildebeests and wallabies? Why does waste not want not work? Why not water wreathes with walnuts, watermelon, and watercress? Why not wear a whale watch in a winter warehouse? Woe to we who writhe with worse woes than with a writing witness. Why wink and wave when what you want is to wallow and whine with white wine? Why not write your whispers on the whiteboard? Why not whip your walker and be whisked away? Why worry?