Lonely July 4th
I wish it was easier to forget your first love.
Especially when you see them happy with someone else, after they made you so miserable and broke you.
When you think you deserve to be happy, while they deserve to be cheated on as they did you.
Now I no longer believe in love.
But these are just sober thoughts as drunken words, on a lonely July 4th.
THEY say that when two humans run their bare skin against each other it calms the nerves throughout one's body. Lips to lips, tongue to tongue, hands to hands. Anyway it works right? Picture you kissing the person you love, same sex or different sex. They place their hand on the nape of your neck, and you feel their thumb run between the place where your jawline ends to the beginning of your earlobe. You gain chill-bumps, yet your body is beyond relaxation.
That soft moan escapes your lips, as their tongue dips between your lips for the first time since you began kissing. It's like an electric shock, yet you feel your knees turn weak as if you could fall. You feel as if the rest of the world has disappeared and it's only you with the only person you want to be with in that moment.
And the rest of what happens from then is up to your imagination as the reader.
the fear of being alone can blind the human eye from a toxic relationship.
Fear of hurt,
can blind the human heart from manipulation, and the brain from knowing that your partner will never return the feelings you have from them.
Sincerely, Mady. Chapter 19: L.O.V.E
(This is from my first book ever written. I'm editing slowly, so this chapter may have typos. Sorry in advance!)
"It's so ironic
How I look at you
Hoping you will look back at me.
But when our eyes meet
I look away
Because I don't want you to
see how much I need you."
I have never known the author of this quote. I only pulled it off a Facebook page when it appeared in a post, and it represented how I feel with Jack sometimes.
Now I stand here in front of my bathroom mirror at 7:00 p.m. to be exact, dressed casually and terrified. I had my hair straightened and pinned into a half up-half down style, with a loose dress and flats. My make up was pretty simple: mascara, foundation, winged eye-liner and a touch up on my eyebrows. "Okay." I sigh at myself. "Jack, I love you. I'm not completely in love with you but I have love for you. I know it doesn't make sense, I never will make sense. But I know that I am slowly and recklessly falling in love with you and I can't stop it." I say practicing my speech into the mirror.
The doorbell rings and I jump at the sound. My stomach turns as fear wells up in my eyes. I can do this. I shake my head and make my way towards the door. I grab my bag, keys and stop by my living room mirror to make a few touch ups. I had already had everything set up at the location: the dinner, candles and whatever else you do to make something romantic.
I place my hand on the doorknob and open it slowly. "Hey." I smile at him.
"Hi," he replies examining me. "You look beautiful." His eyes light up.
"Thank you." I say.
"Where are we going? I need to know cause I'm driving." He grabbed my hand.
"You know that place I showed you a few weeks ago?" He nods. "We're going there."
"Okay," he said. "My lady?"
"Ever the gentlemen." I grab his hand and step out of the doorway.
It's like my physical being reacts to Jack quicker than my mental being. He makes me do things I would possibly never do with anyone else.
We pulled outside of my 'special' place where I had set up a strain of electrical candles earlier. Jack slipped out of the driver seat and walked around the car to open the door for me.
And who said chivalry was dead?
His hand slipped into mine, resting almost perfectly against each other. I squeezed it and he squeezed my hand back.
"Let's go," I murmured. I stumbled out of the passenger seat and fixed my dress. "Curse this thing."
"It looks good on you though," he whispered in my ear.
"Thank you." I kissed his cheek. "Let's go inside."
"Are you going to show me that special closet?" He asked.
I froze instantly, "Yes. Later though."
"Okay," he said. "As you said, let's go inside." I could hear the curiosity in his voice.
Of course I wasn't surprised by the candles or food, because I was the one who planned it all this time.
"Woah." His eyes widened.
"I tried to make it romantic." I sighed.
"It's perfect." He tightened his grip around my hand.
"I hope you like burgers." I sighed. "Because that's what we're eating."
"I'm a vegetarian," he frowned. My face moved into a worried expression. "I'm kidding. I love burgers."
"So funny." I chuckled.
"Shall we eat?"
"Yes we shall." I said motioning him over to the food.
I ate the last piece of my burger, which Jack finished his a few minutes before.
"Here." He said licking his thumb. "You have some on the corner of your mouth." He rubbed it off slowly.
I looked him into the eyes and smiled. "Thank you." I breathed.
"So what's in the closet?" He asked.
"What I went through in my childhood. From what I can remember to until I was 14." I sighed. "My dad was abusive, a drug addict and did things. Then one day, I came home and found him dead. He overdosed on heroin." I almost cried. I remember the day very well and everything before that. He would hit my mom right in front of me, call her names and leave bruises on her. I tried to stick up for her, but he would hit me too and tell me to stop before he kills me. To stay out of it. When I found him dead, alone, before my mom walked inside I started to cry. Half of my tears out of happiness, yet half out of sadness.
"I've never told anyone else this before, besides Sarah, and that's not everything. I was also bullied for my appearance and how I carried myself. So one day a few girls called me names and slammed me into the lockers a few times." I whipped the tears from my eyes. One of the girls called me fat, while another would punch me. Then it was the other girls turn to call me a name and slam me into a locker. There were three of them: Marie, Florence and Farrah. They were the most popular girls in school and found it joy to make my life hell. And after that incident I just snapped.
"See I'm not looking for sympathy or attention, I'm being honest with you." A sad look appeared on his face. "I went home and downed a few antidepressants and for the last time cut my wrist. I barely survived and I was hospitalized for a few weeks. I didn't even tell Damen this part of me." I cried. Now this was when I went off the deep end. I remember shutting my bedroom door and walking over to my dresser. I picked up the prescription bottle that had my name labeled on it and had only five left. I struggled to open the cap, but when I did I ran to my bathroom. Turned on the sink and popped the pills: one by one. I get relieved in that moment, that I would finally leave this place. Worried it wouldn't be enough, I broke a razor and took one of the blades out. Tears poured down my face in happiness as I took the blade and cut straight up my wrist. I remember my mom running in and calling 911 before everything went blank.
"This was before my dad died, so he would come into the hospital room and hit me, call me worthless, attention seeker, weirdo. When I came home from the hospital is when I found him. I sort of me was sad, but a part of me felt relieved, because my mom and I could move on." I started crying even harder. My dad would come into the hospital room while everyone else was clearly busy and tighten his hand around my throat and yell, 'so worried your mommy would forget you had to go a seek attention?' then he would call me a few names and let go. My eyes welled up with tears in fear and all he did was laugh. You could smell the alcohol on his breath. It was horrible, disgusting and I wanted him out of my life. He didn't care about us at all. I didn't even cry at his funeral, I eternally smiled at a lot weight had lifted off my chest. "That's what the little scars on my arms are from." I pulled out my arms rubbing over the tiny scars that reminded me of sow thing I regret doing.
He wrapped his arms around me as my eyes kept luring out tears. "I love you." He said. "That doesn't change how I feel about you. It makes me love you more." He placed a hand on my cheek. "Listen: I'd always still choose you; in a hundred lifetimes and in another world, I'd find you and I'd choose you." Holy freaking shit.
I almost cry, "Come, I'm going to show you the closet." I said pulling him behind me.
I pulled a key out of my purse pocket and unlocked it. I opened the door slowly and it revealed my poems, pictures, newspapers, journals, drawing and everything. In the back of the closet lied the only book I had ever written.
"I'm writing a book about my life. You will eventually be in it." I admitted.
"You're so strong and amazing," he whispered running his fingers along the papers on the walls. Poems I wrote during my depression and after-- everything. "You write so beautifully."
"Thank you," I say lowering my head. The pictures in the room started giving me flashback of everything that happened. I kept shaking my head and pulling on my hair.
"Are you okay?" Jack asked.
"I'm okay." I smiled at him. "Jack I would like to tell you something," here it goes. "I love you. It's complicating, I feel love for you I'm just not in love with you." I wanted to tell him quickly, just to spit it out before I could stop myself.
"I don't care." He walked towards me. "You love me in some way, that's good enough. I love you too."
I jump into his arms and start sobbing. For the first time in my life someone understands me like I have always wanted. "Kiss me." I say. In one swift motion his lips are on mine and my legs are wrapped around his waist. He walks over to the couch, sits down and I straddle his lap. I run my fingers through his hair and mound myself against him; pressing down.
I never felt this with Damen, I was never this comfortable. He takes his mouth and kisses my cheek and makes a trail from there to my ear, then my neck. I throw my head back and sigh at the feeling of his mouth on me. He takes his hands and move them down south and grab my rear. I squeal in shock when his grip tightens and he pulls me closer to him. I start to slowly grind against him kissing him roughly, and all I could feel was a powerful, hot sensation at the apex of my thighs.
"Wait," I pull away. "This is really heated and I don't want to go to far." I whisper against his lips.
"I know. I just love kissing you," He says, kissing my cheek a few times.
"But I've never had what you call it before." I whisper embarrassed.
"Sex? I know th-"
"An orgasm." I've never heard myself speak of such.
"Well then that will have to wait too." Jack said. "I don't want to punch you into anything you're not ready for."
"I love you." I smile before pressing my lips against his. "But I think we can go to the long make-out sessions stage in our relationship now." I whisper.
"Really?" He says, laying my back on the couch and climbs on top of me. "Because I've been ready since I laid eyes on you."
"Good." I say pulling him against my mouth. Me and Damen didn't even make out hardly in our relationship because I wasn't comfortable, but with Jack I can do it.
Maybe at some point I can actually give my full self to him. Give every part of me to him as he would do the same for me. I love him, and I can't wait to fall in love with him, and love him harder than anyone I have ever loved.
(Full unedited version of book is on my wattpad under the user: madisondw)
Sins are Deadly.
I think it was the moment where I could no longer feel my feet against the ground. They dangled there as I pulled at the hands around my neck. The air supply was gone; no air entering my lungs or going out.
It was him, that dark figure within my dreams that always haunted me. Pushing me to the edge. He was like a terminal illness within the deepest parts of my mind that just wouldn't go away.
"Have you met your match, Sandie?" He would ask in that deep dark voice.
Torturing me with questions when he knew I couldn't answer. My screams were hoarse as I begged under my silent screams. I gave him that look in my eyes as tears would stream down my face.
"You think those tears repent you for your sins? Slut!" He would say before slapping me; leaving claw marks against my cheeks.
I couldn't help but die. Over and over again in the same dream. The same dream four twelve years. I would slowly go insane, eventually ending up here in this padded room where I saw him in every corner.
Everyone said I was hallucinating, but I knew he was real.
He counted for every sin.
Every single little sin that I had committed by the age of 21.
It was the night of my 21st birthday when he began taunting me.
And fucking taunting.
Until he broke me.
And when he did.
I eventually used my fingernails and ripped my own throat out.
And I thought it would stop.
But he met me in hell, where he burned my skin over and over.
It would grow back, and then be burned again. That's when I realized: your sins stick with you for eternity, and so will Lucifer himself.
Trump the Stump
Trump is like a stump,
old and saggy.
Just like Hitler,
but looks like a critter.
A New Year.
College is supposed to be exciting, right? New school, new people, and the chance to reinvent who you are. I know, totally amazing.
Well, college was exciting.
About a year ago.
Now, going back seemed more like a chore than anything else. Classes were a lot more complicated and the professors were stricter. To make thing worse, I got to kick-start my brand new year with 'Microbiology.' Not exactly the most exciting subject, but hey. You work with what you get.
I'd rather be taking the fundamentals of theater than this. Even though I was a theater geek in high school, I gave it up last year to do something serious with my future.
I currently am planning to be a writer, and also get a degree in English Literature and become a teacher. Writing is my passion, so why not turn it into a lifelong career, and write books on the side that I will probably never publish? Oh yeah, right! The world revolves around money and everything cost money, so you need a steady job to take care of yourself and families.
The world is pretty crazy, dumb, and just trashy. Worrying about 18 year-olds dating 27-year old rappers. Though, the real thing the news needs to focus, or magazines do, or the press on is the real crisis of our world. Like wars, ISIS, or something else more important about the Kardashians and Jenners.
Though, my opinions won't ever matter. I am a 19 year old college student. No one knows who I am. I can't change the world for the better. All I can do is pick up litter every now and then off the streets, or hallways of my college.
Oh well, mine as well try.
Sorry if I go off topic, I'm kind of a spazz on the inside, but on the outside I'm a scared little chihuahua that shakes and won't even bark. Or talk to anyone.
But let's get to the interesting part of the story.
When I walked into the classroom, everyone had someone to talk to. Everyone. And guess who sat in the front, all alone, with no one to talk to? Yours truly, Mady.
I mean, not that I mind. Trying to communicate with a complete stranger? That's not exactly my forte. It was a mystery how I made friends at all. I was always the one who would buy something out of the vending machine, like a dollar cereal bar and diet cherry coke, and then go eat lunch by myself in the bathroom for the time being.
I still even do it in college half of the time, because I am just that bad at communicating with people. I only have one friend in college and she followed me from back home, you know long term bestfriends that set goals and go to college together. Well, that was us. Until I actually learned the hell of college, I thought I could be more social and open, turns out people are just as worse here.
The endless partying, gossip and stupid people bumping into you all day. I literally wish I could lay in bed all day, but I do need an education.
I heaved my bag onto the tiled floor and looked around. The walls were a nice shade of burgundy, making the room seem a lot bigger than it really was. Trust me, it wasn't that big of a room at all. Most of the shelves were bare, collecting dust. Other than the long rows of seats, the only other thing in the classroom was a large, wooden desk.
"He-llo." A nasally voice interrupted my thoughts. I turned and came face to face with a skinny dweeb of a guy. He ran a hand through his flimsy blonde hair, staring intently at the area below my neckline.
"Do you need something?" I asked.
"Uh.." He seemed to come out of a daze.
"Well, what is it?"
"Can I, ah... Can I butter your muffin?" I nearly laughed. Here I was thinking that someone was actually interested in making friends. "Is that all?" I basically choked from his stupidity.
His smile wavered. "What'd you say?"
"Not interested." I turned back to the front. "Bye."
He sighed in mock exasperation and stalked off to another victim. I didn't have too much time to worry about it when the door slammed open and a man walked in. He was nearly as tall as the door, and not too hard on the eyes if you get what I'm saying.
"Good morning, everyone!" He spoke over the small chatter, a collective 'hello' following.
"Oh, you're alive!" A few chuckled. "Now shut up."
"My name is Mr. Stalzman. I'm here to be your teacher, and your teacher only. I have rules, and if you don't feel like following them, I can assure you there will be consequences." He swept a loose strand of chestnut hair out of his face. "Cell phones are not allowed in my class. Neither is passing notes, if you're planning to go retro."
I wasn't paying too much attention, I'm a little ashamed of admitting that. His face was practically flawless, mind the ring on his hand that kinda threw me off. I mean, not that some of the girls would care, I'm sure, about him being engaged or married.
"We're going to go around the room and introduce ourselves." Mr. Stalzman continued, pacing in front of the classroom, eyeing us all. "Starting with..." He looked around and turned his attention to me. "You. Tell us your name and what you hope to accomplish this year. Your life goals, if you're comfortable with that."
My face flushed red. "D-do you want me to stand up?" I stuttered.
"If you don't mind."
"O-okay.." My legs started to shake. I cleared my throat and got to my feet.
"Um, hi. I'm Mady, and this year I just want to learn?" Some giggled at the obviously fake answer. "And, ah, I wanna be a writer." I quickly sat down and sank into my seat.
"Okay." Mr. Stalzman smiled. "Anyone else?"
The rest of the period went in the same way. Mostly everyone introduced themselves. More or less of the same crap. Aspiring computer programmers, wanna be models, a few 'musicians,' and plenty of guys just looking for hookups. Isn't is sad how god gave a man both a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to work one at a time? And it's really sad how young men can't control themselves. Oh well.
Then one guy had the audacity to whisper behind me, "See that girl?"
"Which one?" He friend asked.
"The one directly in front of us." He whispered.
Oh no. He was talking about me.
"Oh yeah!" He finally realized. I'm not surprised since he probably has the brain of a walnut.
"She's clearly a virgin and I'm totally going to take it from her." I nearly gagged from laughter, and a mixture of pure being grossed out. I pursed my lips to stop from laughing.
"I wanna be next. She looks like a nerd, but it's hot on her." I nearly just stood up and walked out when the walnut brain said that. I just put my hand on my forehead and rubbed my temples.
The year was already looking bleak, and we were only an hour in.
That's just wonderful.
College is going to be absolutely WONDERFUL this year.
You edge for me.
Your limbs reaching,
I tease you slightly,
as my lips brush along,
Your eyes covered,
all you see is black,
Now there is no turning back.
I watch you with a crooked smile,
and take you on a high mile ride,
twisting and turning,
biting and playing.
I teach you to be a pawn,
in a game of chess,
under the sheets,
where you will never rest.
I hear your pleasure filled moans,
while you scream for release,
little do you know,
I can make you release the beast.
So hold on tight.
You edging for me,
is all I need,
your limbs reaching,
We soil the sheets,
tossing and turning,
as I made you edge,
edge for me.
Out of The Woods -Prologue
Check this story out also on my wattpad: madisondw!
I walked among the many hallways of my high school looking for my first class. IT was the first day back after winter break, January 5th, to be exact. I could already feel the rest of this year will be like the many years before this one. Boring, slow and most of all: it wouldn't be the same without the local consumers. (Which were the bullies) And I was their juicy choice of prey.
I walked around the corner to Hall B, which was my hall, and guess who I saw waiting for me waiting for their fresh meal for their morning feast? Andie and her group of minions. They were like lions and I was an innocent little Gazelle. I was weak with a flimsy body type and long brown hair that flowed into natural curls.
Andie smiled at me deviously, and I swear I saw her lick those red plumped up lips of hers. She was like the sex vixen of the lions and I was like a scrawny little Gazelle trying to find a place to hide before she sunk those teeth into my soul. With vicious words and the evilest eat shit look, and that obnoxious laugh that haunted my dreams at night. I am terrified of her, had been since that day in kindergarten when she poured juice on the floor and yelled out I had pissed my pants. And every since that day, until in 11th grade, she would bully me. I didn't expect that she would have stopped soon either.
I quickly turned around and back around the corner when I saw her and her possy starting to stalk towards me ready to attack. "Where are you going gremlin!" I heard yell, and then laugh loudy as I moved to the nearest bathroom. It seemed like where I would hide, she would end up finding me beyond each wall of Kings High School.
"Hey, little bitch!" She smiled at me and looked at my body. "Isn't that the shirt you wear three times a week because your daddy works as a sticker guy? And all your mommy does is sit on her ass at home and drink herself away?
None of that was true, she just assumed that is what my parents are like due to the way I dress myself. With those words she spat out with no remorse, I almost broke into tears.
"Awh, look at little Joe, are you going to cry?" She said as she pouted sarcastically.
I wish I could have just ripped her into a million pieces, but I couldn't. It was illegal, and I'm too fucking weak.
"I have an idea!" She smiled. "I brought this stuff today just for you!" She said before she pulled a pair of scissors and a makeup back from her purse.
I looked at the items that were in her hand with horror, "Please Andie, don't." I begged. She walked towards me.
"Oh no can do, I need to give you a free makeover Joe!" She laughed.
Before I knew it I was crying as they pinned me to the ground. Andie held my hair in her hands as one of her girls chopped at my hair, and the other smeared makeup onto my face. I couldn't help myself as Andie continued to call me names and slap my face. 'Bitch, cunt, fatty, good for nothing whore.' She repeated those words over and over, and slapped me for each one.
Tears ran down my face as I sobbed. My first day back and I am getting mutilated by the same group of girls that have made my life hell for years. I wish I could have protected myself. But one sat on one arm, while the other girl on the other, and Andie straddling my lap. I was unable to move away from her grip. I couldn't breathe.
Then I heard a voice yell.
A masculine one.
The man yelled, "What the hell is going on here?" And when Andie and her possy had gotten off me I finally recognized him.
It was principal Webber. Once he saw the mess he looked at me with the most sympathetic look. "Say anything, or try to suspend us for giving service to this ragdoll, my daddy will have you fired and out on your ass as fast as you can blink." Andie said before she snapped her fingers and her possy followed her.
All principle Webber did was mouth 'I am sorry,' before exiting the restroom.
He had left me there to clean up the mess all alone, to look at myself in horror as I had a short layer and then long hair under underneath. It was a mess. The only thing I actually liked about myself was now gone, as the same red lipstick was on my face. Then on my forehead, in eyeliner, was written ugly betty. I took some paper towel and wet them, and tried to wipe the makeup off my face. I tried over and over again, but it was waterproof and just smeared. And when I became too frustrated, I took my heavy backpack and swung it at the mirror, causing it to crack, and I quickly left the restroom with my hood over my head.
I couldn't stand to be there anymore. I needed to be home and alone. I couldn't be there anymore.
I left out the doors without any thought of what trouble I could end up in for leaving school grounds. I wanted to fucking murder her. Rip her limb by limb until she was no longer able to live.
I couldn't stand it anymore. I just couldn't.
This was the LAST time.
A/N: Updates will now be posted every friday.