He smiled but it didn’t seem to reach his eyes.
He laughed but it sounded empty, false.
He cornered me, made me deaf with words of love,
mute with affirmations shoved down my throat.
I flashed white teeth in a big smile,
took what he gave me,
stayed blind to what he wouldn’t let me have.
We worked like this,
him being mean
me being soft
we both being liars.
And sure it hurt a fucking lot.
But that’s what pharmacies are for;
searching for something to kill the pain
so you can live in the moment
fake contentment and stay sane.
Cruel and Compelling
"Hark, traveler, don't you know that this road contains only Darkness and Fear?"
I said, "Yes, but I am driven, and so I live to regret."
Sweat and Tears
Sometimes people tell you things not to have you react but to give you their response. It is with great ennui that you realize some people only use you for a mirror. Even then, you continue the relationship knowing you'll regret it but not having the heart to end it.
To Abandon is To Loose Faith, And Faith is as Slippery as Can Be
Lucien paced in front of the podium, stained glass soaring above him, the light falling on him in a way that made him seem purer then he felt, then he had the right to be. “Dear God, dear lord, dear vauge mascular man with a beard or a sword,” he snarled, his voice angry. “Dear good, all seeing being,” He paused in front of the all loving, faggot hater. “What’d I do? I shouldn’t be making this about me but since you’ve seen fit to take him from me, I suppose it kind of is.”
Lucien pulled his fingers through his hair and grit his teeth at the unresponsive window pane.
He wanted something to happen, something to the effect of what he was feeling. Maybe have a volcano explode or the walls to crumble. Something to signify the way he felt staring at an empty builing waiting for divininty to rain down and grace him with answers.
“I prayed daily and I sent you offerings and I took weird ass occurrences as a sign you were there but now?” Lucien’s voice broke. “Now I don’t know if I don’t believe so much as know you can’t be all good. Because you can’t be all good and all powerful and if you are all powerful you’re a sadistic fuck and I want nothing to do with you.”
Silence resounded through the cathedral. Lucien stared at the pews with unseeing eyes. All he saw was empty seats, empty rooms, empty promises. The lies they were taught as truth, that happiness was around a corner if you had a little faith, that bad days were just a test. “I’m not leaving you in a moment of rashness. I’m calm and I’m abandoning you as you turned your back on me.” With trembling fingers Lucien pull the necklace with the cross off. He dropped it and walked away. The atheist didn’t look back.
Words To Tangled To Believe
Lies twisting like snakes,
Dangerous and dark, I wish
I'd noticed sooner.
My nightmares were absolute, present and vivid and incessant and everywhere. When I looked up from my hands, there it was; horror and dripping blood. When I meet it's eyes, it grinned, a parody of a smile twisting it's thin, ugly lips.
Click-click-click. It was the dark before dawn.
Lovingly, it snapped it's teeth in my direction as it dug claws into its own stomach, pulling out ropes of it's own intestines. It laughed as I screamed.
Click-click-click. It was the timer going off, killing the hope.
It crawled forward, the contents of its abdomen spilling into the floor like some grotesque snail trail. It's adams apple bobbed excitedly as the hellion panted in my face. My skin crawled where the rancid air touched me.
"Wake up, wake up, wake up," I mutter to myself, blunt nails digging into my own thighs. The miscreation reared above me.
"But baby," it cooed in that obscene clicking tempo, hell-bent on driving me insane. It was the rattling of your car, a moment away from catching fire. "You are awake. Your eyes are open. You flushed your pills, you paranoid freak."
Click-click-click. It was the electric that came with shock therapy.
"Oh dear, someone get the paddles. She's seizing."
Click-click-click. It was the end.
Fires Get Smothered, Take A Deep Breath
It was a second glance first, a knee jerk reaction to someone who looked like an angel among men. It was heat, passion, fires burning brighter then hell and it was an addictive pain. Lust died out and left me cold, they tried to tell me desire doesn't warm much more then my bed.
Guilt Is A Terrible Roomate
It burns deep in my stomach, twists my intestines until I cramp. My face pinches tight to hold it still, no expression slips through. It mocks me in my head, laughing at my pretend control. I laugh, loud and infectious and hoping they don't notice. Everything about this is wrong.
Flames Die, So Do I
Don't tell me to look on the bright side,
because I am the bright side,
at least I am to you,
and to my lover and my brother and my mother.
I try so hard to keep smiling,
because when I do
it's wide and white and infectious,
but when I don't it's small and it's twisted and it's bitter
because the world is ugly
and everyday I try to fight the world
but the world is an opponent you cannot win against
because it is too big to be a direct target.
There's no winning against something that's only in your head,
because your head is your weakness,
your Achilles heel
at least it's mine,
tell me is it this way for you to?
Because you don't act like it
and it's really confusing for me.
I'm not sure where to go from here,
or how to keep breathing stale air and unsure gestures.
All I know is you tell me to keep looking forward.
But there is no forward,
because for so long you put me at the front of the wolf pack.
Where do I go when I'm supposed to be the leader,
and the horizon is ended
and all I'm seeing is empty space.
There's nowhere to go and nowhere to turn and I just stay still
And it eats me up
It doesn't have teeth though,
it's just tight and uncomfortable and everyday is painful
but no I'm not suicidal
so no you don't need to put me in the psych ward
or put me on a 72-hour watch
or take away my razors
or my rope
or my chairs
because just like my fear of heights and the darkness
you cannot take away my deadly things
because they are in my head
and they will kill me
as surely as a serrated blade or a noose made out of sheets
I am not safe from myself because the horrors in my head are dangerous
and you aren't aware I need help,
because I am the bright side you look towards in darkness
and the light isn't supposed to go out.
It Burns Red, It Feels Black
Cheeks tinged in shame yet blackness beckons, negative attention.