heavy

.

.

blurry

.

.

twisted

.

.

contorted

.

.

confused

.

.

I dread it when the guilt

limps off for the

numb to slink in

and put a hood over my eyes

and turn the volume down

while my bones cure into concrete

and my chest squeezes like a blood pressure machine

and my spine curves limply in a C for Can't

and my stomach hosts a resentful fire

and my skin droops and tears at itself

and my ears dam so that no words can grasp me

while a girl screams from within

and I cover her mouth.

There is some shit that you shouldn't have to see

Hear about how he popped those pills like candy

But it's okay now

It's normal here, really

There are some things that I never thought I'd know

The reek of empty in the back of your throat

But that's a distant memory

It was all a dream, maybe

There are some words I didn't want to speak

The more me I lost the more they leaked

But all the holes have since been filled

Everything is neat and clean

I

remember

how

we

used

to

joke

about

running

into

the

highway

outside

our

school

and

it

wasn't

funny

but

we

laughed

anyway.

Where did

a Happy Girl

learn to lie so well?

How could

a Priviledged Girl

be so unsatisfied?

If not

a Trauma Girl

then why the scars?

She isn't

a Drama Girl

so what's with the masks?

Why can't

the Word Girl

learn how to speak?

picking up the pieces of me

all the broken pieces of me

all the shattered mangled aching

pieces of me

I don't have the answers.

don't know how we got here

don't know why I found a pain

to punish myself for being

when all I ever wanted was

to be something special

I thought I needed a tragedy

what is wrong with me,

I didn't need to bleed to be

enough.

Something society makes you

think

is what you

need to be

but you never do,

you are beautiful for loving yourself.

If I was

bones

I would be enough

If I ate

less

I would be enough

If I walked

more

I would be enough

If I worked

harder

I would be enough

If I was

perfect

I would be enough

If I controlled

everything

I would be enough

if i ate enough

maybe i wouldn't

feel so

empty.

It’s never

quiet

here.

Too many words

rushing to fill

empty spaces.

It’s never

quiet

here.

Living in fear

of what would happen

if there was allowed a moment of silence.

It's never

quiet

here.

The louder

the fuller

the less space to notice the insanity.

It can't be

quiet

here.