Am I My Dad?
I was so angry
and I was so sad last night.
It felt like everything was just too much.
The only thought through my head
was wanting to punch something,
anything.
And I knew in that moment
that I was my father's daughter.
Not being able to control the rage inside
that the only option seems to be my fists
and screaming until it is all released.
I just wanted to punch the wall,
just like he did when I was young.
Litter the wall with holes
for something the wall didn't even do
and didn't even deserve.
I just wanted to yell and scream at someone
until they felt as bad as me.
I wanted them to feel broken
and hurt
and worthless just like me.
Fucked up
I think I fucked it all up,
with my stupid insecurities
and my big mouth.
I knew it was all pretend,
just stuff to make us both feel good.
But the second I pointed that out,
it's like everything in our world just stopped.
It's like I could feel the shift as it happened,
that maybe I made it too real
and now you have completely lost interest in me.
We went days talking about anything and everything
and now,
I'm lucky to get a response,
I'm lucky to have a kind tone,
I'm lucky to even have you around.
I just hate that I can never let myself be happy
and I have to let the thoughts of others consume me
and ruin me.
I should have just shut my stupid mouth
and pretended that everything was fine,
because it was,
even if it wasn't truly real,
it was fine.
Just Leave Me Be
You found me in the darkness,
consumed and down below,
but your light was such a starkness
from what I'd always known.
You reached out with your calloused hand
to which I turned away,
and I thought for a moment you could understand
or maybe feel my pain.
But instead you ripped me from that place,
uprooted from the ground,
and as the tears streamed down my face,
you saw yourself a star.
A savior to the broken,
the needy and the weak,
with your words soft spoken,
I saw poison in your teeth.
I don't want your gentle lies
or your sympathy,
I just want someone to not surmise
what I truly need.
Hopeless Yet Hopeful
It's difficult being a hopeless romantic,
but also a realistic person.
No one is going to sweep me off my feet,
or approach me in a bookstore.
No one is going to sit so close to me
that their leg brushes mine
and they leave it pressed against mine.
No one is going to hug me so tightly
and put their hands on the back of my head
tangling their fingers though my hair.
I have to stop reading romance novels,
because they keep trying to make me into an optimist
while robots try to do my dating for me.
I was never cut out for this modern way of dating.
I wish I could go back in time
and be able to experience romance like my grandparents,
who would send love letters back and forth to each other
with pet names like darling, kid, and love.
Frustrated and FED UP
You know what?
I just don't care anymore.
If you want to distract yourself in the classroom,
play snake
or whatever game the kids are playing,
go right ahead.
Sure,
you don't know how to read
or write
and you're almost in high school,
but sure,
continue to play your mindless game.
Continue to talk back
and be rude,
I'm sure that will pay off in the long run.
Especially when you try to get a job
and end up talking back to your boss
and finding out that maybe you should have worked on yourself
instead of thinking it was cool to be a jerk.
And even though it is YOUR CHOICE not to listen,
it is YOUR CHOICE to be an asshole,
I'll still be the one to blame
for not doing enough.
Fuck that.
I feel
numb.
Yet,
I feel the weight of the world.
It's all too much to handle
and even if I ask for help,
it will be seen as an excuse.
Like,
I'm not trying hard enough
when all I have been doing
is continuously busting my ass
over something that could potentially bring me joy,
but in reality will probably leave me
more anxious and depressed than I was before.
I don't want to keep going.
I just want to curl up and die
and it feels like no one cares
that this is all becoming too much for me to handle.
What I Want. No. What I Need.
I just want someone
to see me at my darkest
and choose to stay.
Not expecting me to put on a happy face
or pretend to be more than I can be in that moment.
I just want someone
to recognize
that I have been holding it together for so long
and allow me space to fall a part.
But for now,
I'll continue to cry in secret
wiping away tears
as I stare at my brokenness
in the mirror at work.
I'll say I'm okay when I'm clearly not
to the co-workers that seem to have their life together.
I'll hold myself in those darker moments
praying for things to get better
or for things to just end
because that's all that I have,
myself.
And it's hard to be the strong one for yourself
when you're also a suicidal mess.
Midnight Existential Dread
Nothing feels right anymore.
I don't know what happened
or what inside of me has completely fallen a part
but I am not well.
Everything feels like it is becoming too real,
like the path that I am going down is the one I will be stuck on
forever and ever.
I don't know if I am ready to just accept this life that I am working towards.
What if it's not what I want anymore?
What if I have no idea what the hell I want anymore?
I hate this sudden existential dread that has just suddenly washed over me.
Because I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to make this better.
Every day, it feels like things are moving too fast
and I am stuck moving forward.
I just need things to stop and be still
I want to be able to take a moment to figure out what I want again.
I feel so lost and confused and I don't understand
why this is all hitting me at once.
I feel like I can't take a full, deep breath.
All this panic within me is screaming for an outlet,
a release
and I would give all that I am just to destroy everything around me.
Punch a wall
or run and never stop.
I just feel confused why it feels like everything is crashing down around me.
It feels like the plan I had for myself is gone.
All the responsibility that I took upon myself,
what if I just said no,
and ran away and never looked back.
I am so desperate to just know what I want.
Honestly, I would rather someone tell me what to do,
maybe I could find peace in that
or understand that it was something I had to do.
I don't want to make decisions for myself.
I don't want to be solely in charge of my own destiny
because what if I fuck it all up?
What if I fuck it all up,
and it fifty years from now,
I'm lying in a bed
wondering what the hell I was doing wasting all that time
doing something that didn't even fucking matter in the goddamn first place?
I just feel like such a mess right now
and it feels like I have no control
I have the overwhelming feeling that I'm getting stuck
and that I am never going to take life in my hands
because I'm just going to settle for comfortable.
I don't want to be the person who settles in their hometown
and never leaves because of stupid complacency.
And the cherry on top of the cake,
is that even though everything is falling a part
and it feels like I am dying in this moment,
life just keeps going.
It doesn't give a damn that I need a break,
or that I am slowly deteriorating into nothing,
it keeps moving forward.
And I have to continue on this stupid conveyor belt of life,
being pushed on and on into more responsibility.
I just want it to stop.
God, someone,
please,
just make it stop.
Uncertain and Afraid.
I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.
Because I'm being pulled in too many directions.
I could stay,
never leaving my comfortable nest
accepting the pay decrease
just because I love this place so much.
Given more responsibility
but still having that rapport that I worked so hard to have.
Or,
I could go somewhere new,
find a place that is hungrier for me
and my ideas.
I could be able to set my own schedule
and not have to worry
that I'm being looked down on
or inconveniencing anyone.
It feels like the pros of one outweigh the other
Yet I still feel stuck
not wanting to hurt myself or those around me.