I really struggle

to finish the stories that I start.

I have great ideas, but I have no idea how to get there

and then I get caught up in other things

and the ideas begin to slowly slip my mind until they're gone

and I'm left with a page

with no direction whatsoever.

I just want to finish what I start

and figure out where I am going.

I want people to help me plan

and tell me if my idea is really good

or if I'm just kidding myself.

I hope to one day finish a story,

and even if no one reads it

at least I completed my dream.

I know I don't have the right

to say I'm scared right now.

Especially when I'm not in a position to have my whole world be turned upside down

compared to others.

I want to be able to help

but I have no idea how.

I don't know what to do

or where to go

to help others throughout the world

or those within my community.

Where do you even start

when you feel a revolution on the horizon?

I will never understand

how people who read their bible everyday

can hear about the state of the world around us

and say they don't care.

Have you no compassion?

How can you see the devastation of the fires in California,

and say,

"they're rich, they'll be fine."

Or hear about people being taken from their homes

and say,

"It doesn't affect me."

God would be so ashamed

that you can see the hurt that people are going through

and still only care about yourself.

I think I get frustrated with churches

that only focus on how to improve ourselves.

I think it gives us a very selfish view of the world around us.

I would much rather go to a church

and learn more about how I can help others.

How I can find marginalized groups in my community

and lend a helping hand.

We say the church is open

and that all are welcome,

but when only one type of person goes through your doors,

it makes it an unfriendly environment for new faces

to show up at the door.

I would rather work from the outside in

and help others

and see the impact on my discipleship with others

affect who I am as a person.

I am so sick

and tired of hearing we need to care about ourselves

and not let others distract us.

No wonder Christians are seen as unkind

and not loving.

We've been told for so long to only look out for ourselves

that we ignore those around us.

I just need a minute.

I want to sit in the moment a little longer

of accomplishing something difficult

before I am asked to complete the next hurdle

that lies before me.

It makes me laugh

how you bitch and moan

about how I don't help you

and how nothing I do is helpful.

But the thing you have to realize is

that I can't help you

unless you're willing to let me help.

God!

I'm not going to do the work for you.

You are fully capable!

And it is insane to me

that you have the audacity to yell at me

when I am always there for you

willing to lend a hand

but you refuse to allow me help

and hide your work from the world

and then get pissed at me because I don't help?!!?

FUCK YOU KID.

I can't tell

if I'm actually doing a good job

or I just think I am.

And I don't want to sound desperate

or insecure,

but I'm genuinely worried that maybe

I'm not cut out for all of this.

That maybe I can't actually handle this.

And maybe everyone knows

but is just hoping that I either figure out how to truly do this

or if they are just waiting for me to realize

that maybe this isn't the right path for me.

Am I the only one that has a difficult time

coming up with names for the characters.

For some reason,

I can't find names that fit the essence of my character

and even regular names

sound strange or not believable as a main character of a story.

I wish there was a name that just spoke to me

and made me believe that these characters were real.

But sadly, every name I choose

takes me out of the fantasy completely

Lately I've been feeling bold,

perhaps it's just the meds.

But I kind of want to chase this feeling

and see where it leads.

It already has led me to changing my hair

and putting more effort into myself.

but should I reach out?

Text him to see if he actually wants to get coffee

or if it was just something nice he said.

Should I give this a chance

or just allow myself to let my life pass me by

without doing anything about it?

Perhaps I'll give it a shot

but I'm more likely to revert back to my old ways

and not take a single chance on life.