I was hit with a wave of anxiety

with just the anticipation of seeing you again.

I just hate the idea of seeing your face

knowing everything you did.

And somehow you have the audacity to hate me

and my entire family?

This weekend is going to be difficult

but I will make it through

because despite everything,

I am stronger than my fear of you.

I think one of the worst feelings

is not being wanted or needed.

I have felt all of this this week

and I just feel like the energy inside of me is slowly burning away.

I don't want to doubt my abilities

or feel like I can't conquer whatever obstacle is in front of me

but to have a week full of words like,

"Why do I have to be here with you"

or

"I don't want to talk to you"

or

"Hey, we don't need you here any longer"

just has completely sucked the air from my lungs

and I just feel like I'm crawling to get to the finish line.

When is enough going to be enough?

Where is the line

that society finally wakes up and recognizes

that this is wrong?

By the time they do,

it will be too late.

And we will find ourselves stuck

in the mess that we allowed to be made.

I thought that maybe he liked me.

He gave me a gift

and said we should hang out

and then ghosted me...

I really thought that maybe we had a connection,

but I guess not.

I feel so stupid for feeling sad about this...

Maybe I'm crazy,

but I thought that he might like me.

I guess it was all in my head.

The long glances,

wanting to hang out,

the calm presence.

I must have read too much into it.

But I'm sad

because all I want is for him to reach out

and say he wants to get coffee sometime.

I really struggle

to finish the stories that I start.

I have great ideas, but I have no idea how to get there

and then I get caught up in other things

and the ideas begin to slowly slip my mind until they're gone

and I'm left with a page

with no direction whatsoever.

I just want to finish what I start

and figure out where I am going.

I want people to help me plan

and tell me if my idea is really good

or if I'm just kidding myself.

I hope to one day finish a story,

and even if no one reads it

at least I completed my dream.

I know I don't have the right

to say I'm scared right now.

Especially when I'm not in a position to have my whole world be turned upside down

compared to others.

I want to be able to help

but I have no idea how.

I don't know what to do

or where to go

to help others throughout the world

or those within my community.

Where do you even start

when you feel a revolution on the horizon?

I will never understand

how people who read their bible everyday

can hear about the state of the world around us

and say they don't care.

Have you no compassion?

How can you see the devastation of the fires in California,

and say,

"they're rich, they'll be fine."

Or hear about people being taken from their homes

and say,

"It doesn't affect me."

God would be so ashamed

that you can see the hurt that people are going through

and still only care about yourself.

I think I get frustrated with churches

that only focus on how to improve ourselves.

I think it gives us a very selfish view of the world around us.

I would much rather go to a church

and learn more about how I can help others.

How I can find marginalized groups in my community

and lend a helping hand.

We say the church is open

and that all are welcome,

but when only one type of person goes through your doors,

it makes it an unfriendly environment for new faces

to show up at the door.

I would rather work from the outside in

and help others

and see the impact on my discipleship with others

affect who I am as a person.

I am so sick

and tired of hearing we need to care about ourselves

and not let others distract us.

No wonder Christians are seen as unkind

and not loving.

We've been told for so long to only look out for ourselves

that we ignore those around us.