Does it Explode?
There are many answers to that question.
In my experience, there is a best answer.
The answer is, "Yes. It will explode if you try hard enough."
This advice has helped me countless times and I hope it will for you too.
Use this in life everyday and implement it where you can. It will better your life, trust me.
Thank you for listening.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I've started hearing that in my dreams recently.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The monotonous tone lurks in my ears. Around every corner.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Is this my fate? Is this what awaits me for the rest of my unremarkable life?
Beep. Beep. Beep.
"Your checkout has been registered. Have a nice day!"
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The fluorescent lights have started to burn patterns in my brain.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
It hurts. Am I going nowhere?
Beep. Beep. Beep.
"Hey! Dude!" The man waves his hand in front of my eyes, "What's the matter with you?"
I blink, "Your checkout has been registered. Have a nice day!" With that I leap and slide over the checkout counter and sprint out of Smith's. I don't stop when the bright, California light burns my eyes. Anything is better than the fake lights. The honks of cars penetrate the busy street. I don't care. Anything is better than the relentless beeping of the scanner.
The air is clean.
The air is fresh.
I feel alive!
I smile at my belly. When I place a hand on it, it feels warm. Warm and cozy and safe. I know it's just the motherly hormones kicking in, but I like it. I love it, actually.
My dear husband places his ear gently on my belly, listening.
"I know one thing for sure." He says.
"What?" I ask, smiling.
"Our kid is an active one, it sounds like a basketball team stomping around in there." He grins.
I look down at our child, filling with warmth and love and adoration.
"I love you." I say.
My husband looks up, "I love you too."
I grin at him and bop his nose, "I love you too."
A Tree in the Snow
Windows are pretty. In winter they have the cold stuff on them and I can draw. I like to draw pictures of myself. I draw cats, my favorite animal. I also draw the birdies that I see. When it rains I press my hand to window and try to stop the drops from getting to the other side of my hand.
Today we are going to the store with Mommy and Daddy and big brother. It's cold today. Mommy says I have to wear my coat so I don't catch cold. That's funny! I try to catch raindrops but I never tried to catch cold. I wonder how.
Little houses blur past the windows. If I bring my fist close to my face, it's way bigger than the houses. That's funny too!
We drive into the spot with the playground. I sit up in my booster seat and kick my legs. I want to go there!
"It's too cold, sweetie." Mommy says.
I don't answer, a single tree stands in the park.
Why does that tree look familiar?
*Wintery wind whips at my cheeks, my hair. Each blow feels like I've been struck by a sharp blade. My face is red, I can't see it but I know. Stumbling with each step, I make my way up the hill, the snow catching at my feet, dropping me knee deep. Struggling, I pull myself onto the top of the hill, the world turning bluish-white before my eyes. I can't see. A single tree stands on the flat of the hill, it comes into focus, just barely. It's covered so thickly in white that it looks almost full. Full like the green leaves of summer, green and vibrant. I collapse, the cold snow biting into my skin and cushioning my fall. I keep my eyes on the tree. We are the same, just two things clinging to life in this barren winter. I let out a shuddering laugh, eventually it gains strength. I grows and grows and before I know it I am screaming. Staring at the twirls of snow that fall out of the stark gray sky.*
I blink. We are at the store. I hope we can buy yogurt. I like yogurt!
"C'mon sweetie. You dozed off."
I beam at Mommy, "Am I a sleepy little bunny?"
Mommy smiles, "Yes you are, sweetie!"
"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"I think I had a dream."
"What was it about?"
"I can't remember. Can we get yogurt?"
"Sure."
"Yay!"
Highway to Hell
"Please fasten your seatbelts like so and read the safety information brochure in your seat back pocket."
I scowled as the airplane staff went over the safety information.
I pulled the brochure out of the seat back pocket and something else tumbled out of it too.
It was a disgusting old copy of On a Pale Horse.
I threw it behind me and ignored the screams of a young woman behind me as the book lodged itself in her eyeball.
Then I took a huge bite out of the safety packet and decided that I was done with safety.
I kicked open the window and hurled myself out of it, I grew wings and floated through Hell which wasn't really surprising.
Sure it would have been fun to shove people off of the stairs to Heaven and watched their faces as they fell to the bottom and had to climb back up again, but that required too much effort on my part.
I took the highway, which was actually a plane take-off runway.
Married in Vegas
It was when Romeo killed my cousin that I realized I had perhaps married the wrong person.
I won't lie, I got with Romeo because he was a hunk.
Also I was ever so slightly drunk.
Hey that rhymed!
Anyway, he was so cute when we first met at the party. Sure we had both just lost huge bets and were wasted as hell but still.
He said he loved me and then we got married, because what else would anyone do.
Then I woke up in a random hotel which I learned later was actually the Venetian. I don't even know how I got there.
Suddenly, my stupid, square cousin barged in and dragged me away. Romeo was still passed out on the couch but he woke up, pulled a pistol out of his pocket and shot the hell out of my sweet old cuz.
That really sucks, I thought that I had found a stalemate-- I mean soulmate.
Then Romeo told me about his lost bet and how he wanted me to help him pay off loan sharks while I stared at the gruesome image of Ty, my cousin, laying on the floor with blood spilling out of ten wounds.
I was so angry that I pulled out my AK 47 and shot Romeo dead too.
I sent out an ad.
LAWYER RESQUESTED!
HELP NEEDED!
MUST WIN COURT CASE AGAINST THE MONTAGUE FAMILY!
LOTS OF MONEY OFFERED!
My Ordinary Life
"Do you feel me? Take a look inside my brain
The people always different, but it always feels the same
That's the real me, pop the champagne
The haters wanna hurt me, and I'm laughin' at the pain"
I listen to the words, I don't hear the meaning. I listen to the song, I hear only the melody. I realize that I was living my life wrong.
"No matter what I make, they never see mistakes
Makin' so much bread, I don't care that they're just being fake
They tell me they're below me, I act like I'm above
The people blend together, but I would be lost without their love"
Hear me! The words screamed, the lyrics reaching out with their tendrils of rhythm.
"Can you heal me? Have I gained too much?
When you become untouchable, you're unable to touch
Is there a real me? Pop the champagne
It hurts me just to think, and I don't do pain"
-My Ordinary Life
The weirdo lady.
"I would really rather if you didn't--"
The weirdo lady interrupts me and starts talking again.
I stopped paying attention to what she was saying an hour ago.
I wonder if it's my fault for being too much of a pussy to force her to leave or if she's just an unusually stubborn cosplayer.
I sit on the end of the gurney bed, it's part of my costume as a lobotomy survivor zombie type thing.
"Ma'am," I begin again, "This is a sci-fi convention. Not a medieval festival."
The woman gives me a harsh glare and continues to blither.
I desperately hope that someone will come into my room so that I can finally get rid of this creep.
THE RISING OF THE UN-UN-UN-DEAD.
Sometimes, Robbie perched on trees just so that he could poop on people's heads.
It wasn't his fault. He felt lacking whenever he didn't.
Robbie felt violated when instead of a person, he pooped on a zombie.
Zombies didn't care. It just went on biting people and being moronic.
Robbie always wondered how the living folks who were spry, fast, and intelligent could be conquered so fast by these shambling heaps of rotten imbeciles.
Robbie flapped his wings, taking off and looked over the apocalyptic landscape but he couldn't spot a single human anywhere in the vicinity.
Robbie squawked, annoyed.