4/24/2024
I’m drowning. I have been for a long time. And things keep getting worse for me. I don’t know how I’m gonna pay my bills. I don’t know how I’m gonna get all the work stuff piling up done. I don’t how I’m going to be able to give my kids a decent childhood. I don’t know how I’m going to not go to sleep lonely every night, wishing and hoping and dreaming that somehow things will change. Somehow things will get better. But there’s no end in sight to the pain and suffering. No way out. No one to save me from this. And not even a distraction anymore.
I’ve been holding the world on my shoulders for so long. And I feel like it’s going to crush me. I’ve felt this way so many times before, maybe at least once a month for the past two and a half years. Maybe even longer. And so far somehow, some way I’ve made it through. But I’m running out of miracles. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to do this.
World, universe, God, whatever is out there, please give me one more miracle. But give me one that can sustain me. Not just get me through this one more month. I’m emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted and have been for a long time. I’m tired of working my ass off and having everything I make stolen from me by the mother of my kids who I made the mistake of trusting with my life. I’m tired of watching my kids suffer when there’s nothing I can do to help them. I’m tired of giving all of my love to a woman only to see it be given to someone else. I’m tired of watching others find happiness while I just keep sinking and drowning and dying. I’m tired of watching my dreams die one by one while I’m left with hopelessness and suffering.
Where’s my miracle? Where’s someone who can love me like I love them? Where’s my reason to go on, my purpose, my future?
I’ve been barely hanging on for my kids, barely holding it together, and often not holding it together. But that’s not enough. Where is my miracle? I don’t think I can wait any longer. I don’t think I can hang on any longer. And there’s no amount of therapy or drugs that will help cushion me from the impact that’s coming. Unless I get just one more miracle.
Blank Page
Blank page,
stop staring at me
because I could tear the shit out of you.
I could crumple you up into a ball
and throw you off the top of the Empire State Building.
I could wipe my ass with you.
I could take a picture of my penis
stick it on you
and send it to my ex
with the caption
“I miss you - from Mr. Happy.”
I could chop you into confetti
and throw you into the sky with joy
when my divorce is finally fucking finalized.
I could write “I won’t fuck my friends anymore”
on you five hundred times.
Or I could just stare at you for an hour,
smoke a bowl,
and pass out on the couch.
3am
So I’m not going to be the one
who gets to be happy.
You’re going to make someone else happy
and it’s not gonna be me.
I’m gonna get lonely nights,
a big king sized bed
with just me in the middle
sinking,
drowning in my thoughts,
pain and suffering,
nightmares and cold sweats
and an emptiness
that could have been you.
Yet
I need you
like the world needs sunlight.
I need you to cover me
like a blanket in the cold, lonely night.
I need you to link minds,
connect with me,
recharge me and fill me
with passion and excitement
and energy and lust,
bring back meaning and purpose
to this broken eggshell life,
but I haven’t met you
yet.
I submit to you
all of my poems, songs, and stories,
my heartbreaks and victories,
loves and doubts,
verses like stars and rain,
infinite worlds of possibility,
times and places to fill stories,
poems and memoirs,
lyrics and music.
I need you to publish me and edit me,
give my stories out to the masses,
but I haven’t found you
yet.
I pray to you.
You are my god, my savior.
It is you who comes
when the weight is too much,
the chains are too many for me to break.
This world, this life has become gibberish
in the Tower of Babel,
but you can create a rock you are unable to lift
and then you can lift it.
You can make nonsense sensible
and make the sensible nonsense,
but you haven’t intervened
yet.
I wait for you,
any of you and all of you,
but the sands of this hourglass have fallen.
You might be my woman,
my once in a lifetime love,
my hero or my savior,
but you need to show up now
because I’m a skeleton,
bare bones shouldering the load alone,
hanging from the cliff side
by a pinkie,
but I haven’t fallen
yet.
4/15/2024
I’ve had to come to terms with a lot of hard truths lately. I’ve been fighting and not accepting. But I’m not going to be able to live my dreams.
I’m too old to from a band and have a hit song. I haven’t been able to get an agent so I won’t be able to get my fantasy series published. I’ve outgrown it and no longer believe the messages it was meant to spread like belief and hope and love. I won’t be able to write or edit that story any longer. I can barely write anything at this point.
But the biggest and hardest truth I’ve accepted is that I’m gonna be alone and I’m going to have to find some way to come to terms with that. I’ve never done well alone but I have to find a way to hang on for my kids.
I need to focus on my kids. I have to try my best to help them live the lives I wasn’t able to live. I have to motivate them and encourage them to live their dreams before it’s too late. I have to help instill them with confidence so when they meet the people they’re meant to be with, they don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made. I don’t want any of them to grow up to be like me, hopeless, angry, bitter. They’re really all I have at this point. They’re my life and I want the best for them.
Spring
I woke up
thinking of unpaid bills,
dwindling bank accounts,
kids and birthdays,
lost loves and obligations,
all of the things I need to do
stacking on my shoulders
like nations and oceans
on the back of Atlas,
but it’s Spring,
the weather’s nice,
the flowers are opening their eyes
and yawning, stretching out
to the warm hugs of the sun,
and I just want to go for a walk today.