i’m okay

i’m okay

i’m okay

i repeat this phrase

like a heartbeat

like my heart beating

below my ribs

inside my chest

reminding me

i am still alive

i still exist exist exist

i am not lost

to the sun

and the stars

and the sky

just yet

maybe there’s something

i’m still holding onto

that i shouldn’t

a piece of glass

biting into

the soft tender flesh

of the soles of my feet

maybe i’m restless

not due to lack of sleep

but because my body

is filled with explosives

and too much sun

brilliantly scorching

through my palms

and from out of my scars

radiating grief

maybe i’m broken

or too unholy for god

maybe i’m the only one

who asked the wrong questions

who left out the side door

who escaped

who ran off

do i really exist?

would it even matter if i did?

what if i was an ocean wave?

or the shard of glass

causing me pain?

what if i’m a bird

soaring through the air?

or the wind that lifts its wings

away from despair?

i don’t know what i believe

but i’m begging you

please

pray for me

pray for me

pray for me

because maybe your hands

are clean enough

for god to lean down

and start listening

i breathe deep to keep myself from screaming

it doesn’t work so

i press my face in between a pillow and squishmallow so the sound doesn’t have a chance of escaping my room

in

out

in and out

slowly

carefully

i close my eyes to block out

the imagery flooding my irises somehow

where am i?

at home

safe

in your bed

safe?

yes

safe and sound

but what about?

no

that doesn’t happen anymore

but of course-

of course i do

but we’ve cleaned the slate

we no longer keep track of the score

well then

how the fuck am i supposed to protect myself

if i’m not allowed to hold on to what happened before?

you and i both know that doesn’t happen

anymore

but what if-

no

you can’t live in the either/or

the in between of trust and horror

so just hold on to the simple joys

count the little things you have to be thankful for

forgive her

because what else can you do?

you won’t be strong enough to leave

at least for a little while more

Have I managed to accurately convey the ache inside of my chest?

How I almost didn’t believe you the moment you said you were escaping west?

And how you told me I could take the train with you across those shallow plains

But I wish I hadn’t kissed you

Cos you know I’m trapped on the coast of Maine

And every memory I have of you is just a fleeting pain

I want you to miss me

But I haven’t heard from you since May

Are you happy out there, all alone, without me?

Were you running away from something, maybe me and my accusing gaze?

Or towards a life you knew I would never praise?

When I think of you all I feel is a pang deep within my jaw

An ache inside of my chest

At night I try to rest

But the ghost of your soft silhouette

Keeps me up long after the sun sets

My heart is like a raw exposed nerve

Agonizingly burning to the touch

Like someone held an electrified wire to my ribs

To be honest, this torture is just too much

Sometimes, I wish I could forget you

I wish your absence didn’t make me bleed

But I’m happy that I knew you

I don’t think I would change a single thing

I ache for the touch of your skin on my skin

The gentle pressing of your palms upon my breasts

Please kiss me softly, hold back but never to taunt me, just to let me rest before you begin once again

Take me to the beach at sunset and toss me down onto the shore

Tug your fingers through my hair and bite my lips once more

I need a little connection, to feel the beat of your heart against mine

I’m starving, darling

I need you like water, like a wanderer needs a river on a summer night

Because I’ve been lost for years in a lonely desert, with nothing to fasten me to life

Tell me, dear, would you taste the salt on my tongue?

Would you dig your fingernails into my shoulder or the flesh in between my ribs and collarbone?

Would you hold me so I don’t sink into the dirt?

So I don’t float away, untethered from Earth?

Please. Stay.

Take your hand in mine and trace the curve of my arm, the crook of my elbow, the fragile skin between my forefinger and thumb

Wait with me for sunrise to arrive

peaceful and sweet and clean and new

they told me

sin

tastes sweet

for a moment

but as time

casts its long shadow

creating the past

it turns bitter

as it rots in your mouth

my mother said

the beauty won't last

but somehow

our sin

grows sweeter and sweeter

as i fall more in love with you

i no longer believe her

because

your soft skin against mine

feels more divine

than any worship service i've been too

than any prayer

any verse from the word

the book whose wise words sound absurd

now that i know you

but i get distracted by their words

because you

like to talk with the tv on

but i

can never understand you

through all of the noise

and i just

wish i could hear your voice

without all of the

overlapping words

that are thrown at me

from people

who can never understand

how much it hurts

to be told

your existence is a crime

they said

it wasn't

what god had planned

but i've found a love

that's so much better

than the one

presented to me

when i was three years old

they said

you'll go to hell

if you don't believe

well that doesn't sound

like love to me

i know

the bible says

you can't find joy

or hope or peace

or a million other things

without god's love

but when i'm with you

i feel more alive

than i ever have before

late last night

around ten o’clock

i was suddenly gripped

by an overwhelming feeling

an overwhelming wonder

at the beauty of life

it’s too hard to explain right now

i still don’t have the words

but i remember seeing it

in your espresso eyes

in the way you held me tight

and told me i was beautiful

how in that fragile moment

i felt right for the first time

i remember the way you smiled at me

while we cuddled on your bed

there was barely enough room for us

as your hand caressed my head

i remember you looked so serene

your hair falling on your face

i wondered what it was that made you

extend your sweet embrace

i remember waking up

in the middle of the night

seeing your eyes closed

your gentle face

right next to mine

my love letters

are merely relics of a past hope

no longer alive

my love letters

are mere kindling for the burning alter

where i must die again and again

my frame bleeding out for

the forgiveness of sins

my love letters

are no longer sweet

they sting with the bitterness of regret

and emptiness

my love letters

are now just a mistake

merely a confession of my sins

my crimes

my love letters

are just words

desperately written

when i forgot who i was

for one unholy moment

my love letters

must be forgotten

buried and hidden away

so i cannot be tempted

by the memory of her name

my love letters

are just letters now

scrawled out in a moment

of crazed indignity

just shadows

just dust

i'm not okay right now.

i try to be.

i pretend to be.

i'm only okay when i'm with her.

when i'm alone i feel like dying.

i should have tried harder to be normal

to not be gay.

i hate myself for being this way.

i hate myself for giving in to something i should change.

i might never be okay

again.