there is nothi(l)ng there is nothing there is nothing the(o)re is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there (o)is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is (o)nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothin(b)g there is(e) nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is no(h)thing there is(i) nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is(n) nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing th(d)ere is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing there is nothing why fucking bother why fucking botherwhy fucking botherwhy fucking botherwhy fucking botherwhy fucking botherwhy fucking botherwhy fucking botherwhy fucking botherwhy fucking botherwhy fucking both(y)erwhy fucking botherwhy fucking botherwhy fucking botherwhy fucking botherwhy fucking botherwhy fucking bot(o)herwhy fucking botherwhy fucking botherwhy fucking bother it is pointless it is pointlessit is pointlessit is pointlessit is pointlessit is pointless it is pointlessit is pointlessit is point(u)lessit is pointless
cramping
I am always hungry
Butterflies in my gut make the nausea crawl up my throat
But I am still starving
Bones and blood make me look small and cute and good
But I wanna eat (I can't I can't)
Feet below the salt water my tears taste bittersweet
I wanna feed (let me let me let me)
I am insatiable with my watered down taste buds, but it doesn't matter
(i wish it mattered)
I may be bad but you’re not that mighty
I hate it most when they're kind or have meaningful lives
Or I'm the awful one standing next to them
And I know that you think that I don't care about the friends I left behind
The ones who stay up late at night screaming out their shattered minds
You and me we're not the same
I am a sinner you are a saint
It doesn't even matter
'Cause I don't wanna go
To college or to Heaven or to anywhere alone
And the only thing I learned from you is that there's nothing left
To look forward to
you can’t really do much
when everything feels bad, you can't do much. When every moment is just awful, physically, mental, emotionally, everything just feeling hopeless. I tell myself to just keep moving on and there will be a better moment, that it will over. I don't have exact words for my mantra, but that ideal lives in my mind. Nothing lasts forever, so use that to your advantage.
Judas (how I see him anyway)
I am not religious at all, never even read the Bible. But the story of Judas and Jesus just intrigues me so much.
Think about it:
You personally know someone who is more or less divine, maybe you consider them a friend, a leader or a confidant, just someone who is supposed to know it all. You follow them.
Then something changes one day. You don't know what exactly. Maybe you were blinded by greed for a moment, or something terrible possessed. All you know is that doubt has set in and you'll betray them.
Your friend tells you and bunch of other people they know that they'll be betrayed. What do you feel? Guilty, terrified, anxious?
You betray them, with an imitate gesture, a kiss of all things. Address them as someone above you, and it's gets them caught.
It's come to light that your friend is going to die as result of your betrayal. You might feel it all sink it, try to repent your greed and change what has happened, but you can't.
You take your own life.
It doesn't help that I'm a sucker for betrayal stories, and I just think Judas is very interesting.
Goldie
A golden retriever stuffed animal I named Goldie (how creative of me). I think he was a boy, it was so long ago I can't remember.
I loved Goldie, and I would have held onto him forever (even if it could have been unhealthy). He accidentally got put into a donation bag, and my mom either wouldn't let me open the bag or the bag was already gone (probably the latter, but my child brain was so mad at her at the time that I probably villainized her a bit).
I'm still bitter at how we parted. I miss Goldie.
what’s probably gonna happen
I am just a little girl
Who used to see the world in gold
Now I realize it's a lie
I see it because I'm borderline old
I am just a young lady
Who can't wait to move away
Pack my shit and live in a dorm
Leave what I know to decay
They'll call me little lady
When I give a liberal speech
I'm too tired and young (and old) to care about politics anyway
They sucked away any care I had just like happy leech
I don't wanna be an old woman
Because it mean's I'll have to live that long
I'm okay being a young asexual slut forever
I don't care if you think any of the words I've said are wrong
I'll be a young bitch until the reaper takes my lips
I thought I would die at 12 so my whole future is the present
Like an RPG protagonist, it's just a sad fucking story
Do whatever you want after rigor mortis kicks in, you have my consent
don’t question how she got there
She told me she was drowning
But we were in the kitchen, so she was obviously lying
I pointed this falsehood and she giggled and let herself out
This was her house, but maybe it became my house in her absence
I looked into the sink and realized
Oh crap, she was right, she's drowning
She drowning in my sink