“Who are you?”

Usually a question asked lightly, each time expecting a casual answer. Your tone changes the meaning of the question so slightly, but so much.

“Who are you?”

I don’t know. Who am I?

Should I say

My name

My job

My hometown

But am I really any of these? Are these really what define me?

Who am I?

If I have no job, no home, no name, no age, no hobbies, no life, then who am I?

Am I still myself, or is me defined by impermanent aspects of life deemed important by society?

If I am my identity then why can’t I decide what it is?

Who is the person who gets to define me?

Why isn’t it me?

Who am I, if not just a person? Is that what I say? I’m a person, just like you. I’m human, just like you. I am real, just like you. I swear, with nothing left to define us we are the same.

I want

to want to die

I want

to write beautiful words that change the way people view the world

I want

to hurt so badly I can't take it

I want

to be able to stop bottling my emotions

I want

to cry so hard I have an asthma attack when no one is home

I want

to want to live

I want

to get hit by a car and die

I want

to paint a masterpiece so lovely I become immortalized

I want

people to love me

I want

everyone to hate me so I have a reason to fight the world

I want

security and comfort to be guaranteed

I want

to get hit with a car and survive

I want

harm and pain to be guaranteed

I want

to cook family recipes with my partner

I want

no one to ever be able to love me so I have a reason to feel so dejected and alone

I want

that feeling where the whole world is in my heart because I felt loved

I want

to feel strong emotions again

any of them

I want to feel human again

I forgot I'm supposed to be afraid to walk down the street with pride.

I forgot I'm supposed to be outraged with what this country is saying about me.

I forgot that people who've never met me hate me.

I forgot I'm some kind of political disagreement.

I forgot I'm a topic of discussion.

I forgot I'm trans.

I forgot that's my defining feature.

I forgot I'm not just a person anymore.

I forgot I always had to be defined by some small aspect of who I really am.

Girl.

Weird.

Freak.

Loser.

Neurodivergent.

Furry.

Childish.

Emotional.

Trans.

Stupid.

I am not a label.

I am a person.

That is all I am.

That is why I am happy.

when the artist has nothing left to draw

when the fish has nowhere left to swim

when the poet has nothing left to speak

when the bird has nowhere left to fly

when the writer has nothing left to write

when the moon has nowhere left to shine

that is when my love for you will die

only with the end of the earth

I see

the sky

;

Bright blue

Happy

Calm

Peaceful

.

I see

clouds

;

Dark

Sad

Stormy

Raging

.

I get

swallowed up

in a dark

mad

stormy

mess

.

I let

myself

get fooled

by

the bright sky

.

I thought

it would be

peacful and

calm

.

I'll never

let myself

be tricked

by the

light again

.

I inhale the scent

of the pepper mint.

My stomach

churning,

and my breath

coming in and out

slower than

my heartbeat.