I’ll never know what it was really about

’till I get to the end

The more you live, the more life feels like a dream

I went to bed at 19 and woke up at 35

I’m still the same insecure boy I always was

I just look old now

And my joints creak a bit

Is this the dream

Or is this the waking?

I smudge my fingers along the contours of my face in the glass

Drawing little circles and lines

And crosses

I thought I was going to be someone

I guess I just didn’t know how

Part of the journey is realizing that there never was a past

There never was a future

Those are delusions of the heart

There was only ever now

The forever now

That grows and strengthens the body

And then slowly rots it away

As the soul is washed in mud and silt

Bloodied and scraped and scarred

I carried my body to the river

Laid it down in the water

And slowly let the currents take it away

I looked for emotion in his face

Some life in his cheeks

Where’s that smile I knew?

It’s ok

You don’t have to speak

I love you

Please take care of yourself

I’ll see you on the other side

Goodbye.

I left you on the steps of my middle school crush waiting

I’m sorry I never came back for you

I was trapped in my room

A glass case of trophies I never deserved

Are you still there waiting for me?

I’m so sorry I’m late

I was stuck in traffic

I swear

Trapped in a glass case

I’m a trophy that was never won

I’ll walk home, rolling my backpack along the sidewalk in the rain

Back to a mother who will never smile

To write words no one will ever see

To play with a dog we’ll bury in the spring

I left you on the steps

Of my middle school crush waiting

I’m so sorry

As you can see in my Resume

I’ve had quite a bit of experience

I have lived

Laughed, loved

Lost

Nearly died

Come back, survived

Fought again

Failed

Half succeeded

Tried again

I lived

I believe that my varied experience across multiple decades

Would make me a strong member and new addition to your team

If you’d like, I can show you some picture references

Oh that? Haha

A naïve infatuation…

That?

Yes, that was my insecurity

That one…my fear

Do I want to go back?

Oh God no!

Yes, I’m sure

Where do I sign?

You burnt me with

Tongue licked hand

Like a flame

Charred

Fat leaking from the cracks

Lap me up

Delicious

Fatty

Death

I’ll be your pig

If you let the flames of your love consume me

Devour me

Purify me in the holy fire of your desire

You burnt me with

Tongue licked hand

Like a flame

I’m just using this as a way to talk

And feel like I’m not talking to myself.

This is not a poem

When I was a kid I thought the future would be better, not worse!

Haha…haha.. damn!

I dreamt of the future, of everything I was going to do, the man I was going to be

I didn’t know I was going to be that fat, poor, single, 35-year-old loser!

If I could go back in time and give advice to my younger self

It would be to kill yourself now! It’s not going to get better!

You will never love yourself

No one will ever love you

You will never be strong enough to chase what you want in life

You will never be strong enough

You will always be empty and lost and wandering

And the world will blame everything on you

Because you’re a man

You’re a white man

Therefore everything, is always, your fault

Just deal with it and “be a man”

Damn!

Shit!

I didn’t know life was just gonna get worse!

You drift empty and alone, and when people see you struggling

Your own family will spit on you and shame you.

Jesus…

What was the point??

Death is the only hope I have left

The last great mystery

I used to think I might find love and belonging and wonders outside my door

There isn’t any

Life is a cold and barren wasteland, it always has been, and likely always will be

We don’t all get to find peace, and love, and safety and strength and warmth.

You’re not the main character, this isn’t your story

You’re just a conscious scrap of nothingness, lost in the wind

I have no more hope

I haven’t had hope for years

I just got angry, and fought against the knife, with my pride

My pride wrestled my car back to the road

My pride pushed me back from the ledge

Because…

I “deserve” more than this

But I can’t….

I’m just a mortal human, I can’t bear this.

The only hope, and wonder that exists

Is on the other side of death

Damn!

What the fuck happened?

The crazy thing is

The older I get

The more surreal it all is…

The more it feels like all of this, is just…a mirage

I’m not gonna kill myself

But shit…I can’t wait to die

Physicality is an illusion

There is only

Truly

Intention

I can sweep you from the floor

But all I know and understand

Is what you desire

Kiss me, fuck me destroy me

All I know

Is your desire

Take me away

From this ephemeral place of nothingness

I long to be with you

My eternal soul

Separated and yet

As one

I know not what I am

But for

Emotion

Emotion is your lips

Your taste

Your sweat

Your desire

Unify me

Take me

I am lost in the scents and sensations of your universe

Logging off now

Find me in the next world, my love

You are going to die

I should clarify

It doesn't matter how strong you

How big your muscles are

It doesn't matter how much money you have

How rich you are

It doesn't matter how many women you sleep with

How many cars you have

How handsome you are

You are going to die

And the sooner you realize that

The happier you will be

A billion gaping mouths

Pantomiming, silently

They open and close

Their gums and tongues are stained with something

Dark

The throat is just a black

Hole

They stare at me

Silently

Like baby birds without a mother

I just love

Feeding the hungry

There's a knife to my throat

Mine own hand

How did it come to this?

There are two people inside of me

One wants to live

The other is wracked with fear and guilt and shame

Tears dripping

Along the rust splattered belly of the blade

Iron oxide crystals

Dancing in little globes of liquid

They are my colors, they are my paints

Dip my brush and smear and dab

Upon the canvas of my shredded flesh

I refuse to mark myself in public

The way that others do

Rings of gold and inks on skin

It is the devil claiming you as his own

I haven't lost yet

I have not been claimed by my demons

There are two people inside of me

One wants to live

The other...

He grabs my hand...

When I try to reach out to a friend

He grabs my throat

When I try to speak my name

I CAST YOU OUT

Something funny

That I have discovered

The more I rely on my own strength

The weaker I become

Like Lucifer

I deny and separate

In so doing I wound myself

In fear I try to lift and carry it all

And so I fall

Broken

Again and again

I believe that God is the lesson in every wound

God is every gift, that comes unbidden

He is a patient, but strict teacher

Who wants what’s best for you

He will let you scream and yell

And shake your fists ’till you tire

And tears run down burning cheeks

Hot with anger turned cool in his oppressive grace

He is the little flame, that gently melts hearts of hardened ice

He forgives the unforgiven

Simply knowing, without a word

He takes the burden from your back

Though you gnash your teeth and fight for your “right” to suffer

He does it all, for no reason at all

For the great

And for the small

For the great…

For the small

For us all