New Job
As you can see in my Resume
I’ve had quite a bit of experience
I have lived
Laughed, loved
Lost
Nearly died
Come back, survived
Fought again
Failed
Half succeeded
Tried again
I lived
I believe that my varied experience across multiple decades
Would make me a strong member and new addition to your team
If you’d like, I can show you some picture references
Oh that? Haha
A naïve infatuation…
That?
Yes, that was my insecurity
That one…my fear
Do I want to go back?
Oh God no!
Yes, I’m sure
Where do I sign?
Not a poem
I’m just using this as a way to talk
And feel like I’m not talking to myself.
This is not a poem
When I was a kid I thought the future would be better, not worse!
Haha…haha.. damn!
I dreamt of the future, of everything I was going to do, the man I was going to be
I didn’t know I was going to be that fat, poor, single, 35-year-old loser!
If I could go back in time and give advice to my younger self
It would be to kill yourself now! It’s not going to get better!
You will never love yourself
No one will ever love you
You will never be strong enough to chase what you want in life
You will never be strong enough
You will always be empty and lost and wandering
And the world will blame everything on you
Because you’re a man
You’re a white man
Therefore everything, is always, your fault
Just deal with it and “be a man”
Damn!
Shit!
I didn’t know life was just gonna get worse!
You drift empty and alone, and when people see you struggling
Your own family will spit on you and shame you.
Jesus…
What was the point??
Death is the only hope I have left
The last great mystery
I used to think I might find love and belonging and wonders outside my door
There isn’t any
Life is a cold and barren wasteland, it always has been, and likely always will be
We don’t all get to find peace, and love, and safety and strength and warmth.
You’re not the main character, this isn’t your story
You’re just a conscious scrap of nothingness, lost in the wind
I have no more hope
I haven’t had hope for years
I just got angry, and fought against the knife, with my pride
My pride wrestled my car back to the road
My pride pushed me back from the ledge
Because…
I “deserve” more than this
But I can’t….
I’m just a mortal human, I can’t bear this.
The only hope, and wonder that exists
Is on the other side of death
Damn!
What the fuck happened?
The crazy thing is
The older I get
The more surreal it all is…
The more it feels like all of this, is just…a mirage
I’m not gonna kill myself
But shit…I can’t wait to die
Love song
Physicality is an illusion
There is only
Truly
Intention
I can sweep you from the floor
But all I know and understand
Is what you desire
Kiss me, fuck me destroy me
All I know
Is your desire
Take me away
From this ephemeral place of nothingness
I long to be with you
My eternal soul
Separated and yet
As one
I know not what I am
But for
Emotion
Emotion is your lips
Your taste
Your sweat
Your desire
Unify me
Take me
I am lost in the scents and sensations of your universe
Logging off now
Find me in the next world, my love
It’s ok
You are going to die
I should clarify
It doesn't matter how strong you
How big your muscles are
It doesn't matter how much money you have
How rich you are
It doesn't matter how many women you sleep with
How many cars you have
How handsome you are
You are going to die
And the sooner you realize that
The happier you will be
Demon
There's a knife to my throat
Mine own hand
How did it come to this?
There are two people inside of me
One wants to live
The other is wracked with fear and guilt and shame
Tears dripping
Along the rust splattered belly of the blade
Iron oxide crystals
Dancing in little globes of liquid
They are my colors, they are my paints
Dip my brush and smear and dab
Upon the canvas of my shredded flesh
I refuse to mark myself in public
The way that others do
Rings of gold and inks on skin
It is the devil claiming you as his own
I haven't lost yet
I have not been claimed by my demons
There are two people inside of me
One wants to live
The other...
He grabs my hand...
When I try to reach out to a friend
He grabs my throat
When I try to speak my name
I CAST YOU OUT
Untitled
Something funny
That I have discovered
The more I rely on my own strength
The weaker I become
Like Lucifer
I deny and separate
In so doing I wound myself
In fear I try to lift and carry it all
And so I fall
Broken
Again and again
I believe that God is the lesson in every wound
God is every gift, that comes unbidden
He is a patient, but strict teacher
Who wants what’s best for you
He will let you scream and yell
And shake your fists ’till you tire
And tears run down burning cheeks
Hot with anger turned cool in his oppressive grace
He is the little flame, that gently melts hearts of hardened ice
He forgives the unforgiven
Simply knowing, without a word
He takes the burden from your back
Though you gnash your teeth and fight for your “right” to suffer
He does it all, for no reason at all
For the great
And for the small
For the great…
For the small
For us all
Lonesome
Won't you stay a while please.
No... No i don't want sex or any such vulgar thing.
Just...stay here, with me
Would you?
Just lay beside me
You can put your leg across me
Nuzzle your head into me
Just be with me
Please
And we can pretend for awhile
I can pretend for a while...
Feel for awhile
That someone loves me.