Thoughts of back home are fading, but I remember bits and pieces.

I'm told to drink water from this river, but I'm not thirsty. Some guy named Karen is hassling me. A dude named Karen, can you believe it? Wow, he is in one crazy costume. Skeleton mask and hands, shit looks pretty real.

Anyway. I think I'm running out of time to scribble this to you. Or me. Or whatever. Stuff's gotten kinda weird, and that's an understatement.

Come to think on it, I'm not sure how it'll be delivered. There's a guy here who swears he's headed back, so I'll just send it with him. Although, he seems like a pretty angry dude, and I heard someone call him "Verärgerter Geist, but whatever. I was all, 'Vera, what? Is his name Vera, and that guy's name is Karen?' but I didn't really get an answer.

I'm not entirely sure where this boat is headed, but I'm going to ride it out and hope for the best.

So far, I'm not really impressed with what I've seen. There's a lady who has done nothing but cry since we got here; there are a couple of kids who keep asking where their mom is. It's weird. Like, we're all traveling in coach, but there is no first class. In fact, there's this one Wall-Street guy, obviously made of money, he keeps demanding more comfortable seats, but Karen just tells him to sit down and shut up. I couldn't help but sing 'you're rockin the boat,' but nobody laughed. We're all being treated the same, really. So that's kind of refreshing; no favoritism.

So listen, here's what I wanted to tell you. Er, younger me? Whatever.

Leave that married woman alone.

Her husband isn't out of town, and he's a better shot than we are.

“Is this enough?” My grandmother asks and I nod my head as she hands me a plate with the portion sizes she deemed fit. I then watch her as she fills my cousin’s plate, with him egging her on to add more and her smiling and complying with his whims. I look back down at my plate and take a deep breath. While I was thankful for the food in front of me, I knew I would be going to bed hungry at the end of the day.

We go to our grandmother’s house once a week, and on the day we do Mom points out not to eat so much as there’ll be lots of delicious food waiting for us. The food was always delicious, but the treatment I received instilled fear and anxiety I was never able to get rid of. When I was younger, I tried asking for more food, as my cousins do but was always met with a disapproving look and remarks about my weight. After the first few times, I learned to accept what was given to me and remained quiet during meal times, withdrawing myself from the lively conversations that took place around me.

I was the first to finish my food, this was no surprise as everyone went for seconds, but I did not. I gathered my plate and utensils, thanked my grandmother for the food, and placed the dishes in the sink before heading to the restroom to wash my hands. I try to trick myself into thinking I ate enough to satisfy my hunger, but my stomach grumbles. I sigh and wash my face, trying to remove the anxious feeling lingering at the pit of my stomach. As I look up into the mirror, I see a young girl, she couldn’t be more than five or six. She’s looking up at me as if she’s about to cry. For a moment I forget the anxiousness I feel and reach out to her, with my hand laying flat against the mirror. This isn’t a new interaction as I see her often after eating at grandma’s house, as if in a silent plea for help. Reaching out to comfort her, I tell her that next time we are asked if it’s enough we will finally speak up and say “no”.

PS - don't look to the sky.

do check the roots underneath

and be grounded in a few inexplicable ways

words POST WRITTEN are preserved fair.

so, PS - ask about the times he didn't stay

be curious, ask about fields of grass and the rain delays

PS - don't look for love.

but do write the words

that lead one to find another

Follow your natural curiosities and you will find what you love. When you find what you love, know they are your intrinsic gifts that will fill you with joy and purpose. Share your gifts with the world. Don't judge yourself, just give yourself freedom to explore, to succeed, and to fail and learn. When you do this, your actions will be infused with love and energy and will be an inspiration to others to do the same for themselves. Imagine a world where everyone did what they loved! There would be so much more happiness in the place of mental illness. More kindness instead of judgement, and more respect for individualism. We would see how we all fit together like puzzle pieces connected, instead of single pieces all mixed up. There would be more collaboration instead of competition, more community instead of war, and most importantly. you will find true happiness and meaning which you can share with others to make the world a better place.

Carry a knife at all times and don’t be afraid to use it when he tries to put his nasty hands on you! You are more precious than a cheap fling with a guy who just wants what he can’t have and doesn’t really respect you. Don’t stoop to his level.

Finish high school and go to College, otherwise you’ll depend on a man the rest of your life and wind up poor and miserable! Men don’t want traditional relationships anymore.

Save money and put it into gold and platinum and don’t fall for Bitcoin’s nonsense! Buy a nice piece of land and be self sufficient. Raise bison, a garden and use solar energy and a windmill.

Build your house like a hobit house, into the side of a hill line the inside in concrete and limestone and use a woodburning fireplace for heat. A cast iron stove for cookin.

Grow healing herbs along with your kitchen herbs, many people forgot about them by now but you will need them.

It’s coming soon and you can’t stop it you can only make ready the way child.