his loss or mine
my mother tells me it’s his loss
but if that’s true then why am i the one losing sleep
i lay awake throughout the night
aching for the feel of your touch
trying to forget the time we shared a bed
in that hotel room at the days inn
ultraviolence played in the background of our
breathing, i tried to get my heart beat to sync with yours
our legs tangled together and my hand
lay on your chest, yours rested gently on top of mine
we lay there all morning and i pretended
that it meant nothing to me
but i lied and it was everything
it was too late when i finally told you
and now your tangling your limbs with hers and
i’m alone in my bed, hoping that i might dream of you
when the post crying exhaustion hits
my friends tell me that it’s his loss
but if thats the case then why am i the one losing my appetite
we sit around the table at denny’s and
they talk and laugh over over breakfast at midnight
they don’t know that i’m internally laughing
at the memory of when we stopped at the dennys
in kettleman city on our way back from the
beach and you ate your fries with a combination
of ranch, ketchup, and pepper
i was playfully disgusted but really i thought
it was endearing, everything you did was
they don’t know that i purposely don’t finish
my food, a habit i got into knowing that you were
once there to finish my left overs
they don’t know that i’m nauseous because one
of them ordered your signature plate, only
they’re eating theirs with ranch, no pepper or ketchup
and suddenly i’m sick of denny’s and the memory
of you
my mom swears to me that it’s his loss
so then why am i the one losing my mind?
you’re everywhere and i can’t seem to get away
which brings me to tears because i remember a time
that i wished on the stars to never be away from you
the moon tells me that my wish has been granted
only in the worst possible way
you’re in my morning coffee before i pour in the cream
eyes dark brown like the medium roast that sits in my cup
i never liked my coffee black anyway
you’re in my car with me while i’m out running errands
the song that we once sang together playing on shuffle
i don’t sing along, instead, i remove it from my playlist
you’re in the clouds that scatter the sky
i’ve never met anyone else who loves them like i do
i convince myself not to send you a picture of them like i used to
you don’t send one either
you’re in my heart and in my head and in my bones
and they say you’re the one who lost
but that couldn’t be true
i still belong to you
i feel so deeply!
i knew what the consequence would be if i were to allow myself to admit the feelings that my heart was so eager to force my mind to accept. so i ignored and distracted. but i also kissed, and laughed, and touched, and yearned. i was foolish to think i could have the best of both worlds and still win the war. i knew i would lose one day, but i thought if i gave myself more time, more preparation, it would hurt a little less. again, i was foolish. the day of acceptance, when the battle was lost, the consequence followed almost immediately. it gave me no time to regret having a moment of weakness. it gave me no time to have even a sliver of hope that i might have been wrong, that it could have been me. if you've never felt the defeat of heartache, here's a little insight: you can't breathe for a moment, and when you finally catch your breath, your chest begins to feel an ache. your body runs hot, as if you suddenly have a fever of 102. nausea creeps in, and the last meal you ate threatens to come up and splatter all over your living room floor. the tears will be shed, there is no time limit on this. you'll cry in the shower, on your way to and from work, in bed before sleep overcomes you and you wake up with swollen eyes the next morning.
someone asked me if i would rather continue feeling everything as deeply as i do, or feel nothing at all. this is a difficult question to answer, as heartache never gets easier. each time hurts just the same as the last. but i will never regret,
i feel so deeply! i always will!
absent father
a daughter, confused and abandoned
i remember the first time that i asked my mom
why i didn’t have a dad like the other little girls around
me did, it was the first time she didn’t have an answer
for the hundreds of questions a five year old is
curious to know, it was the first time i saw anger burn
in her eyes. she once warned me about my first heartbreak
that it would come in my teenage years and that it
would hurt more than anything i have ever experienced.
i listened quietly, i had no strength to tell her that i had already
experienced my first heartbreak and that no matter how
much advice she could muster up, i would never understand
why the one man who was supposed to love and protect me
left without a care. it was then that i had the thought that
would haunt me for years to come, if my dad didn’t love me
enough to stay, who ever would? and then another, was there
something wrong with me? and another, what could i have done
to make him stay? i would later find out that i would ask these
same questions about the boys i would bring to bed.
a mother, angry and giving
she tried her best to give me double the love, to make up
for the other half that would not be given to me by him
and though i could never admit it to her, it was never enough
she knows this though, even if she doesn’t hear it from me
she has felt it on her own, abandoned like me. she hates him for making
me like her and she’s angry at herself because she feels that she is to blame
my mother has given, and loved, and kissed, and cared.
she is everything in the world to me
a brother, protective and loving
the one who will walk me down the aisle when my wedding comes
he will shed the tears that should have been my fathers when
he gives me away, he’ll make a speech about how it was
him who has protected me all of these years and now will give that
responsibility to someone else. i’ll cry along when he tells our friends
and family how much he loves and adores me, and we’ll laugh
when he mentions our favorite childhood memories
the one who gave me more protection, love, and attendance
than my father ever could
a father, careless and unpresent
unspoken
i have felt many things for you and
there have been so many words that i
have wanted to say
i could not
now i must live with the regret of never
having the strength to let them be known
there is a sense of grief that i have to live
with, the death of what could have been
and now will never be
i burned for you in silence and let
you wonder in the dark
i sit here in ruin, dreaming of you
while you lay there with her
she is better with words than i
my love
my boy was brown eyes and honey
i had never tasted a love so sweet
forever dripped from his lips and
i wished on the stars for it to be true
my love was patience and understanding
on the days that i could not give my
best, he assured me that it was enough
my baby was home in human form
the person who i thanked god for
making just for me to live beside
but no amount of shooting stars
could make the time work in our favor
and though my heart still beats for him
he is no longer mine to call home
not in favor
the fact of the matter is
sometimes you meet the right person
during the wrong time, for one
or for both of you
and you might love them
and im sure they miss you every
night that you're absent from their bed
and i can probably guess that you're
mad at the clock that sits on your nightstand
because the timing was not in your favor
but i regret to inform you that
there is absolutely nothing
you could do about the ache that you
feel for them
because that's how life goes
sometimes
the one person who could heat up your
entire body as soon as they lace
their fingers in yours
the one person that made you feel
everything and nothing all at once
is not meant to be yours
bitter-sweet
if we were having coffee
id take mine bitter-sweet and cold
we would pretend to have more time
though that lie is getting old
if we were having coffee
i think i might avoid your gaze
it would make it less painful
to miss your eyes on my bad days
if we were having coffee
id withhold my feelings from you
we just aren't meant to be right now
i promise its the right thing to do
if we were having coffee
id brush my fingers across your face
in hopes that the future is in our favor
when its the right time and right place
t.s songs
some days are easier to get through than others
but today isn't one of those easy days
because i woke up and your absence
was impossible to ignore
maybe its because i read my favorite book
without you here to watch my facial expressions when
i get to the good parts, for the first time in a month
it might be because i've been playing
the one and happiness
by taylor swift on repeat for the entire
evening because the lyrics describe
us so well
then again, its probably because
i ran out of creamer so i had to take
my coffee black this morning
and it's the closest i've gotten to seeing
your eye color since i drove away from you
these are the days that its impossible to move on
because i remember swearing that i would
never have to
lover
it hurts me, given the thought
that we’re possibly not meant to be
but you let me go without a fight
when did you stop loving me?
i cannot bear to think of you, and how
your hands are a place i call home
how am i to think you ever cared, given
the lack of aching for me that you’ve shown?
the night we parted as lovers
you painted me in shades of blue
each day it gets a little darker, does the
sun no longer shine for you too?