Thinking Out Loud in Public. Volume 3. “Where have all the Good Men Gone?”
"If you're struggling you should talk to someone"
We've all heard this line.
Men are struggling but don't ask for help. Why is that?
Because when you allow the help,
in any form (health/stability/etc)
then you immediately start being treated as a dependent.
This challenges our relationship to a very real biological imperative to contribute,
in essence, our instinct to provide and to protect what we love.
The world then begins to respond to you as a dependent,
stripping you of what's left of your dignity in the process.
We might not always do this to each other on purpose, but it's what's happening.
In a primal system, when resources were scarce, if a provider couldn't provide for the tribe because was broken either physically or otherwise, the tribe would go on without him. You may not think so, but we still tribally ostracize people in this way.
(We place the elderly into homes where we don't have to tend to them ourselves or watch them die, for example)
And even if you don't completely abandon us we feel metaphorically
"put out to pasture," because we've been demoralized.
The shame of that demoralization
is heavier than a bullet.
So often times, it's easier to walk away from the tribe when you've been put in that position, than it is to lay beneath the guilt or to face the resulting comments and unspoken judgments you feel around you.
Remember that he (a good man) chooses to stay here for you, not because he needs the crutch you provide, but because he cares for you and makes your safety (and often happiness) a priority over his own. That's his nature.
A man (a good man) will limp his wounded body to the top of the proverbial mountain alone if he feels like that's the best thing he can do for you.
When we shun that man, he becomes a wolf ejected from the pack.
And a lone wolf will wander until it finds a new home or dies in the process.
We talk a lot about community, but every time you treat a wounded man like he's taking more than he's capable of giving, you mute his contributions, and you strip his sense self-worth and his position within the tribe completely.
Don't ask to share his weight and blame him for how heavy it is.
He's hurt. He's not incapable.
He's tired from holding the world above his head.
He can put it down and walk away.
But he'd rather not make it harder on you.
This is the dilemma of the wounded man.
Everyone gets depressed,
and a lot of people commit suicide regardless of gender,
So why aren't I addressing suicidality and mortality among women and or trans populations as well?
Firstly, because I am speaking from my personal perspective and experience.
And though many of the social dynamics I've described that may lead to a person's suicidal ideation or realization can apply to both women and trans populations, (and likely do) I would be much less qualified to speculate on the subtleties and specific social pressures that would motivate a person in either group toward self-harm because I don't experience the same unique challenges they face nor do I understand those challenges at an internal level.
I know that among most suicidal people there are common emotional threads,
but an individual's motivating factors and social perspectives will always have unique differences.
I would also imagine that there are other's addressing this same conversation from those respective viewpoints as we speak. With that being said,
here are some reasons I believe that as a society we need to put the focus of this conversation on those who would register statistically as "men" for a moment:
According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention,
men died by suicide 3.9 times more than women in 2021,
making up 81.68% in a total of 48,180 suicide deaths.
White males accounted for 69.68% of the total death toll.
Let's break that number down; of 48,180 total suicides in 2021 alone,
38,358 of them were male, and 33,572 of those men were white.
I need to clarify, however, that I'm presenting that number
specifically because it exhibits the majority of total suicide deaths.
White men are dying by their own hand in the largest numbers,
but aren't necessarily taking their lives more often.
According to the CDC, while white males make up a larger portion of the total death toll, Native Americans and Alaska Natives experienced a higher percentage of loss relative to their specific ethnic groups. (at a rate of 28.1 per 100k population)
There are also more obvious aspects as to why that number is so high,
like the percentage of male population being about 60% Caucasian,
and probability being significant factors.
But, in an attempt to examine this issue holistically and analyze the available data objectively, it would be a massive body of information to ignore.
The focus of this essay is suicide prevention,
male suicide, and why it's happening so often.
So, how do these astonishing rates compare historically?
According to Statista.com, among data collected from 1950 to now, the average suicide disparity rate between men and women has remained largely unchanged.
That means, that for the last 70 years, Men have been taking their own lives about 70% more often than women.
70 percent.
There are hundreds of factors we could examine to try and understand why there is a much higher suicide rate among men than women; for instance, I would assume that the mother/child birthing bond has a major influence on the occurrence of a lower women's suicide rate, because mothers have a natural instinct not to abandon their children.
Women are also more likely to use what are commonly referred to as
"less lethal methods" as a means for expiration, such as suicide by way of a
drug overdose or other poison, which usually allows enough time for medical intervention. Such efforts are largely unsuccessful, and while about 75% of people who attempt suicide do it this way, 97% of them survive. (regardless of gender)
But in cases such as these that result in finality, the deaths would almost certainly
be recorded as "acute drug overdose." (in the absence of a suicide note or other evidence presented)
Similarly, a person who has "given up" might choose a somewhat concealable approach, such as drinking themselves to death over the course of many years,
(or a series of extreme benders) to avoid being remembered as a suicide or being noticed prematurely and labeled a "flight risk."
In the event this person succeeds, their death is most likely reported as
"acute liver failure by alcohol toxicity."
With that in mind, when considering any statistical evidence, it's important to realize that the data is only as accurate as the way an event was recorded.
And when addressing a topic such as this, a statistic only provides a number that reduces a very personal loss to a metric by which we can never compare the absence of a loved one.
Most often, men have a tendency toward using more (immediately)
lethal means such as firearms, which, leave little room for intervention. And in the US, over 50% of all suicides happen by way of a gun or other mechanized weapon.
It's also important to note that the total suicide rate across the nation has increased annually for the last 13 years in a row.
With a much higher rate of suicide among men spanning nearly century, and the total death toll rising annually each year, we need to start examining social and cultural factors that may be contributing to this epidemic.
Among the many elements that may influence a male tendency toward suicide,
evidence suggests that generational trauma, improper coping mechanisms or the tools to process that trauma, social and familial expectations and pressures, (either real or perceived) economic instability and challenges to upward mobility, cultural individualism, hegemonic masculinity, communication and the perceived right to communicate, WAR, and the subsequent repercussions of war play a significant role.
Men are less likely to communicate for a number of reasons.
To some extent men are expected to be "warriors" and less likely to let down "emotional armor" as a result of that, because typically they are less conditioned to receive empathy;
especially from other men, (cultural)
as well as their fathers. (generational)
The predominance of hegemonic masculinity within our society, has a significant impact on the way that men communicate with each other, as well as their male relatives.
A simple way of describing that, is "Alpha Male" culture;
a patriarchal, military approach to structuring civilization,
and operating in the world with an "only the strong survive" mentality.
In systems such as this, an individual's worth is measured by his ability
to conquer life on his own, and muscle his way into his best outcomes.
(i.e. his best life)
"The biggest guy runs the world, gets the girl, wins the race, and
to win the race, you have to be the toughest guy."
Studies have shown that cultures which promote this type of competitiveness and
individualism almost always have higher rates male of suicide.
There are immense pressures placed upon men to handle all of their problems
on their own and accepting help is implicitly discouraged as it acknowledges an inability to complete tasks independently, thus, showing weakness.
When examining the unstable social environment of the internet,
there appears to be an obvious trend in having a lack of empathy toward men presented there as well. (even from other men)
Popular phrases such as, "no one cares, work harder," have developed as a response
to the projected notions that one's personal contributions to society go largely unnoticed, amidst the present social climate.
Whether or not there is a true lack of empathy materializing in the physical world is subjective, but either way it leaves a noticeable mark on the social landscape.
And when you add the impacts of "shame culture" to an already volatile foundation you get a sort of metaphorical dynamite, but we always seem surprised when it explodes.
In a culture where everyone is screaming to be heard,
we've become far less willing to listen and the resulting noise has cancelled
all of our voices out.
There is a never-ending media loop pitting argument vs argument,
my problem vs. your problem, I hurt worse than you.
No equality.
No balance.
No progress.
Just destructive interference, a blaring radio static
that's left all of us floating in the ether,
feeling absolutely empty and devoid of a sense of community.
Does everyone have generational trauma? Yes.
Doesn't everyone have unique social roles, expectations and challenges? Yes.
Are men the root of trauma in many cases?
Yes.
But as a society we seem to be pinning a little extra blame on men nowadays,
and though some of it is justified, that blame is shared by the innocent even more than it's felt by the guilty.
Though some have been the root of your trauma,
others have been there to avenge you.
The one's who've shown up to be your protectors,
your heavy lifters, your handymen, your shoulder to cry on.
Your fathers, and your brothers.
And though some of them have made this world an uncomfortable place to be yourself at times; others have gone to war for you, to fight for and protect
your right to become or pursue whatever version of your-self that is.
They feel the brunt of that blame, and there are repercussions to stripping the merits of those (good) men. It's very hard to tell how that will affect us as a society long-term. But I think we're already starting to notice signs of a much larger fallout to come, especially, as we continue to lose so many of the good ones every day.
Hurt people, Hurt People.
And the unseen hand that shaped this nation
(and continues to do so)
is collateral damage.
If you treat men like dogs, they will act like dogs.
But we treat them like pets and forget that many of them are rescues.
The way forward is empathy.
We must be more mindful with our words
and gentle in our actions.
Maybe it's an empathy you've never been shown,
but sometimes we have to give the thing that we're looking for,
to invite balance.
Be the change that you want to see in the world, because you can't
bring darkness into a room filled with light and make it dark,
but you can bring a candle into a dark room and
make it light.
and please remember,
life is too fragile, to act so damn tough all the time.
-Johnny
Source notes:
Though many of the ideas I've presented in this article are personal and subjective,
any empirical or statistical evidence I've provided can be found on the following websites:
The Center for Disease Control
cdc.gov
The World Health Organization
thewho.int
The National Library of Medicine
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
Statista.com
and three cited Wikipedia pages titled:
"Gender Differences in Suicide."
"Hegemonic Masculinity."
"Individualism."
#suicideawareness
#suicideprevention
#mentalhealth
#menshealth
#chronicdepression
#ptsd #fatherhood
#veteranshealth
#mindfulness
#thinkingoutloudinpublic
#hegemonicmasculinity
#toxicmasculinity
#inividualism
#genderroles
#socialpressure
#socialdilemma