Unraveled

As I paced back and forth the uncontrollable thoughts streamed through my mind, one on top of another, building until I felt them taking over my very being. Someone would be coming for me soon right?

I didn't have any choice did I?! I could not live with knowing what he had done so one of us had to cease living. Was it cowardly that I had chosen him over myself? I could not tolerate the thought of him taking away my life but wasn't that the result now anyhow?

What would my defense be? Innocent by reason of insanity? I laughed, a deep maniacal, mirthless laugh. I had always thought this defense sounded preposterous. Wasn't murder in and of itself an act of insanity?

Justifiable homicide? I certainly thought so! But even given my sparse knowledge of the topic I didn't think what would surely be viewed as an act of vigilantism was justified in the eyes of the law. 

So would I just plead guilty then? I imagined the scandal. Given my family ties there would be a fire storm of publicity. I pictured the people who would pass this rumor on, some sadly and some almost gleefully, so juicy and shocking. Odds never would have been on me to be the one to tarnish our family name.

I wanted to weep for the loss of life, his and mine, but no tears came.

The thoughts raced on hour after hour as I paced, back and forth, back and forth, in my quiet but not safe little corner of hell.