Beans Spilled in the Bible Belt

     It was mid afternoon when we rolled into the podunk town I grew up in. They finally put up a traffic light on main street after drunkie Bubba Ray got hit by a car. He was stumbling from Tiny's taproom to the filling station for a pack of Camels. "Man alive, I hate it here." I said to my girlfriend while she gazed out the window.

     We pulled up to my parents house where my aunt was living temporarily while she cared for my mom. She called last night and told me I better make my way from Tulsa back home cuz the doc said it's fixin' to be that time. We arrived about 2 pm. Ronda and I chewed the fat with auntie Dee for a few minutes. Then Dee suggested i make my way to moms room. Dee said mamma had something important talk to me about. I sighed and asked, "Please tell me it's not the straight thing again?" Auntie gave me a half smile and said it's not what you think darlin' your mom has worried for you all your life and she really does love who you are. "Dadgum it! I'm tired of this conversation and I really don't find it important at all right now." Dee said, "Just give your ear to your mamma."

     Ronda stayed in the kitchen with Dee. I never really brought her home because it was uncomfortable around my parents in the past. They never really took to her as part of the family. She has been my partner for twelve years now and only been here a few times these latter years due to feeling down right uncomfortable. I shuffled down the hallway and into my mother's room. I sat in the chair next to her bed and woke her with a few whispers. "Jackie, oh honey...bless your heart." She took a few long breaths of her oxygen. "I's been waiting for you." I began to tear up, but held it back and smiled at her. She wasn't looking well at all. "Is Ronda here?" "Yeah, mamma she's in the kitchen with Dee." Mom smiled, "Good, I'm glad she came with you." I didn't want to spend this time with my mom talkin' bout how she still thinks I'm straight. I wish she could just let it go. "Mamma, um auntie told me you wanted to talk to me. I'm gonna just say right now that I don't think what you want to say is important. I know you have always wanted to see me get hitched to a man and have babies but that ain't gonna happen. What matters is that we're here now together and we love each other." Mom just stared into my eyes. "Honey, I know you's never going to marry a man and have babies, but I also know your straight. You ain't no queer." "Mamma, I'm not having this conversation. I won't. It's not how I want to remember this moment."

     We listened to each other breathe for a few ticks of the clock then mom told me she wanted to tell me a story 'bout when I was born. I was happy to change the subject. "The day you was born was the happiest day of my life. Your daddy and I were told we couldn't have children. You was tough on me in my pregnancy, but worth all of it. We had your name picked out for months. Your daddy was a stern man, but that day, he had a grin as the wide as the day is long. A smile so wide I thought his face was gonna crack. I know I's told you this story a million times, but there is one part I left out."

     Mom closed her eyes then continued. "We didn't want to know if you was gonna be a boy or a girl before you were born. You's gonna to be named Jake or Jackie either way. When you came out like you did we didn't get to see you right away. The doc had you taken out of the delivery room real quick like. I dang near had a heart attack thinkin' you was dead." My face crinkled up and I wondered why she never told me this. "What was the matter with me?" I asked. "Well, as we found out nothing was really wrong with you. It was just that, well, it wasn't easy Jackie." "What wasn't easy? What happened!?" Mom opened her eyes and started to tear up. "Honey, you was born with both. You was a boy and a girl." "Do what? What? What are you sayin' Mamma? Are you sayin' I'm a he-she? Mom? What do you mean MAMMA?" "The specialist said your male parts was under grown and your female parts was in real good shape. He said you would grow up to be able to have babies. It seemed to be the only way." I just sat there absolutely stunned. "I worried all these years about the choice we made that day. Your daddy said there was no other choice we could a made. He said if we left you a boy you would have been teased all your and had a tough life. He said no kinda man wanted to live like that. I believed him. We didn't know Jackie. That's why I know in my heart of hearts you's straight as they come. I don't have any problems with homosexuals but your not one."

     She went on to explain that she was happy that I was with Ronda and she has always been fine with our relationship. The only reason she and daddy were standoffish was because every time they saw us together it reminded them they made the wrong choice for me. It was their own shame and guilt that stood between them accepting Rhonda as part of our family.

     Mom passed away four days later. It took me good near a month to tell Ronda what mamma told me that day. I didn't know how she would take it. I even thought maybe she would leave me cause I wasn't a "real" lesbian. I'm not a natural born lesbian. I'm 34 years old and I don't even know myself. I've been in counseling for over a year now. I'm trying to decide if I want to be a man like I was supposed to be. I know now how my parents felt. It's a hard decision that doesn't just affect me. Ronda, my angel, she said no matter what I decide she is my girl whether I'm her man or her woman. Though she did make it dadgum clear to me that no matter what I choose, she will always be a lesbian!