Exhaustion

Everything with people, for me, is like balancing on a tightrope. This person likes me, this person lied to me, this person is oversensitive, this person is important. Every word, every expression, every sigh risks me toppling over. There's no net at the bottom, in case you were wondering. If I fall off, everything collapses. I've been up here - by and large - for years. I've tumbled down a few times - it's not pretty, not something you want to see.

I've been up here so long my shoulders are knots, my thighs are absolutely shaking, my knees are weak, my feet are on fire. I get to rest, when I'm completely by myself; I finally make it to the other side and I get to flop on the platform and just be limp. Until the next time I have to get up and cross again. Sometimes, depending on the person, the pain is agonizing.

Those people that are extra unpredictable, or extra untrustworthy. God, they hurt. And then there's the precious people that make it feel just fine. Yeah, I'm still balancing - that'll never stop - and more often than not, with them, the price is much higher if I fail. But honesty and consistency make me feel like I'm just walking, for once. 

So, some wonder why I'm so avidly against interaction. It's because I'd much rather walk than cling for dear life, and the individuals that can make that happen are so few and far between. And frankly, I am beyond exhausted already.