It Doesn’t Matter

She cant tell which one is better; to feel everything or to feel numb.

She was once a girl who always expressed her emotions, her feelings.

She was smiling or laughing when she was happy,

she was crying when she was sad,

she released the devil inside her when something annoyed her.

She smiles even though she knew that her smiling face is weird. She laughs even though the sound of her laughter is annoying--but some people used to love it anyway. She looks awful when she cries but she cries like a baby anyway--she's lucky enough that her mascara is waterproof. She knows that people hate it when she cannot control her anger, but she does not care. She wants to show people what she feels at the moment, so people can read her. She thinks that people will kindly understand her.

But no one gives any single fuck anyway.

She finally got it, that nobody could understand her. Nobody seemed to care about her feelings. Or maybe, they just didn't know how to understand her.

She finally understand that she cant control anything but herself. Even herself is sometimes out of her control. But she learned--or at least tried.

It's not like, "Aw she looks sad, maybe I should comfort her instead of ruin her day even though i really need to say something that probably could make her cry." Well, a few of people would be kind enough to wait for the right time to talk. But still, anyone could break her heart whenever the hell they want, even when she's having a hard time, they could just make it worse. Anyone could make her cry whenever the hell they want, even if she already cries a river before. Anyone could leave her, or simply ignore her, even when she needs them the most.

She turned off her emotions. She has no expressions. She is then being heartless. Not because she is unloved or anything. The people she loves taught her that maybe it's best not to feel anything, or at least, try to hide the feelings well. That is probably the best way to love someone. Even though it would be nice to have them feel what she feels, the truth is they will not understand her feelings. Everyone knows what sadness feels like, they just don't know how sad she is. She does not believe when someone says, "I know how you feel," or, "I also feel your sadness." Because they don't. They just feel guilty when she feels sad.

Then people tend to misinterpret her. People would like to assume that she is happy when the fact is, she sometimes chooses to laugh when she's sad. They also would say, "Are you not happy?" when she doesn't show a single smile on her birthday.

Aw, poor little shit.