What a bitch of a way to deal with pain.

--->>>it's time to go to hell<<<--- was the deep automatic script his subconscious mind played on him. 

Things seemed to be going well for this young man.  Yet something had happened, something triggered within, and the seas became stormy. Huge waves crashed up and down within and the ship dragged him back into his darkness. He felt those uncomfortable yet strangely familiar emotions of detachment, aloneness, and vacancy. 

Why did he do this? Why did he go back? The more he tormented over it the more the overwhelming desire to self destruct kicked in. So alone, so empty it was like he had to prove to all how pathetically messed up he really was. A temper tantrum of the soul: LOOK AT ME!

 This wasn't him. Someone else was in control and the demonic puppet master flogged him about, jerking the strings. 

So he gave up. Eff this he thought, I will just do what I want and amazingly the self flagellation stopped.  Now it didn't stop right away, but the shame mellowed and he came to his senses. 

Such clarity! He thought. How I can breathe again...and naturally like Forrest Gump he continued on his path of innocence and wonder until the next trigger may come along....

What a bitch of a way to deal with pain. 

-Curtis Pelling.