trying
i woke up like i was vibrating
there was a scream stuck in my throat, rattling around in my chest pushing against my ribs compressing my lungs scraping and cutting
I’m a different frequency today, thoughts are hot and quick and sharp and one after another after another in quick succession like gunshots or the teeth on a saw blade
Part of me is curled up on the blanket at the foot of the bed as small as i can be and
Part is outside running somewhere running to give reason to my chest feeling drained and dry and empty or so, so full it will burst
Or standing in the grass panting looking around furtively because i’m being chased and it feels like i am, constantly pursued by something bigger than me and sharper and brighter in the way horrific things are made of bright white light so you can’t look at it, so you can’t know it but you feel it and it burns itself into your brain and you taste metal in your mouth and you’d spit out the blood but your mouth is so dry your tongue rasps against your teeth
thoughts are loud, screaming nothing into my head, shouting about the AC cutting on or an acorn hitting the roof, nothing, nothing, but it’s so loud.
Thoughts run like molten rock down pathways winding and insubstantial or far away,
Detailing possible apocalypses and catastrophes, or just arguments snide comments headaches hunger.
I follow against my will, find myself ankle deep in red and stuck helplessly rehearsing and repeating the what if what if what if beat of my heart that whispers harmony with the scream still trapped.