You Stampcrab

Dearest Os Coxas,

I have the utmost regret for every ounce of pain I have caused you, and may continue to cause. It was never my intention to bring you harm, I love you both very much. I would like to imagine that you will stay strong and never leave me even as I grow old. For you see I could not bear to have to get a hip replacement for my shortcomings. 

Inasmuch as I have deeply wounded the two of you I promise, from this day forward, to stop slamming you into the dreadful counters, bookcases, and the ever-present doorways. I do hope you have never detested me for my rough treatment. You see I am but a clumsy fool who grows too excited and forgets about their lack of coordination. When I run to deliver exciting news I often forget about the counter and if I don’t execute the perfect turn you will receive a vicious blow for my miscalculations. 

Don't fret that I am specifically targeting you. As, regrettably, it's not only you who receives this unjust treatment. My pinky toe has also seen it all. The treacherous edges of the walls and the monstrous vacuum. It is my hope you will extend this apology down to,

Right Pinky

5th Phalange Lane

Clumsy, Homo Sapien 014

For it is the pinkieds that I cause some of the most harm to, besides you that is. 

This apology isn't just empty words that are meant to soothe you until my next clumsiness attack. Seeing as neither of you have ever wronged me I've decided the best solution is to bubble wrap every sharp and hittable corner of my house. This way the next time I happen to trip, you will be merrily on your way.

Sincerely,

Stupidly Clumsy