Finding Peace in Perspective

Dear Mama,

I am sorry for everything. We never really grew close, and part of that is my fault. The unforgiving, pained part of me, hated the idea of getting past everything. As I look back on my childhood years, and my personality; I was quiet, but I was no saint. With a smart mouth, and a strong mind, I was going to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I know that was probably the most challenging part of raising me. I couldn’t seem to control that spirit in me though. In a lot of ways, those things were my reactions to the actions against me- my way to cope with uncontrollable circumstances.

I wish that I was able to confide in you comfortably about, anything. You taught me that I couldn’t do that. By the way you handled things that I did tell you in confidence. I don’t think that you understand the pain that your actions against me, caused me. I just really don’t think you understand.

I felt alone in that house. Nobody could relate to me or my passion for reading and writing, so my siblings teased me for it. You didn’t do anything to defend me, support me, or help me. It wasn’t easy being the darkest kid in the house. It wasn’t easy being a nerd. It wasn’t easy being me, around y’all. So, I withdrew from y’all. Slowly but surely, I built a protective mental and emotional wall around my heart and psyche; my true self. That’s the real reason I was always so quiet.

When I made the permanent move to emancipate myself from the family, it was hard at first. The initial two years were the hardest. I went from being at all the family functions and holiday celebrations, to spending my days and holidays alone or with friends. Eventually though, I found myself. I found my voice in my outgoing, goofy sense of humor. Embracing the nerd in me, I read and research any and all topics that pique my interest. I also found new hobbies to keep my mind moving forward, like donating clothes and food to the less fortunate, and poetry writing.

The best thing about the solitude is that I was able to reflect and appreciate the lessons you taught me. For instance, never allow a man to put his hands on me, understanding that if a man does, it’s time to leave. You taught me how to defend myself, from witnessing and living through your life experiences. I respect the strength of your womanhood, passed down to me, through you, from the strong roots of your mother- my grandmother. I admire you. For that, I will always be proud to be your child.

I forgive you for the things that I could not understand. I hope that you can forgive me for the same. You taught me to acknowledge my pain, but never stay down too long. That lesson has been invaluable to my healing and my progression in life. Should life see fit to reunite us again in this lifetime, I am open to it. Thank you for the experience.

I love you.

Signed,

Your Nerd Child 

J.T © 2016

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