Letters to You on Lack of Love

     So here I am.  Sitting on our bed, just me alone, not knowing where you'll be tonight or when I should expect you crawling into bed beside me.  There is no reason to call you and ask, considering I trust you.  But here I am, nonetheless, trying to make sense of the situation.  I'm trying to make sense of the lack of love that seems to fill the space between us.

     You told me the other day, while we were in the middle of an argument, that I would find someone better.  The thing is, I tried for so many years to find someone better.  Someone who didn't cloud my head to the point where I couldn't concentrate any time I sat down to get my work done.  Now, those clouds have turned to condensation and every night, when I try to get work done, precipitation falls on my laptop keyboard.  I'm surprised my computer hasn't shut down from water damage.

     Anyway.  I didn't actually want to send this letter to your P.O. box at work; I was hoping you would wake up this morning and feel the spark again when you saw me sleeping next to you with the messy hair and morning breath you used to love.  I was hoping that when I poured your coffee and set your breakfast down on the table like I always used to, the "thank you" and the smile wouldn't seem so forced.  

     This morning, I set your breakfast in front of you and you didn't look up from your emails.  You didn't say thank you and you didn't smile.  This morning I thought I'd try to be especially nice and start your shower so it would be hot by the time you were done with your bagel, but you didn't notice and left for work soon after getting dressed.  You didn't say I love you.  I respect you, but whatever you're so very upset at, I want to know.  If you've been having a bad week at work and aren't looking forward to another day at the office, just tell me.  If you're feeling under the weather and don't necessarily have the energy to be happy, just tell me.  If you just need some space...dammit, will you please just tell me?  I will give you space if that's what it takes.

    Anyway...have a good day at the office, baby.  Have fun tonight.  I'll always be here.

                                                                        Love always,

                                                                             Lauren