My obsession

The one constant I can count on, the obsession that simultaneously lets me down over and over and yet also brings me the most untainted elation's of my entire life would be that, my oldest friend, time. 

Perhaps far too conscious at a young age, to know of time and the sting of regret if you let it slip away. Amidst chaos it seems to slip away even farther. No secret, Alice in Wonderland was my movie of choice as a child. The idea of escaping this world to have my feet land in a world far from here sounded like a dream come true. Where madness reigned and logic departed. Be still, my heart.

Yet, the whole premise of Lewis Carroll's direction was that this young Alice was chasing a white rabbit. A rabbit with whom she couldn't quite catch up with. The underlying message never escaped me. The rabbit was in a constant state of sheer panic, as his clock ticked away. Always heading to a destination to which he was going to be late for. Even as a child, I watched that rabbit miss all of his surroundings and I would think to myself how many instances he's robbed himself of a life that could be monumentally different. How even just one encounter can change the entire course of his little rabbit life. My mind would go farther and farther out to a sea of thought and, "what if's" for an irrelevant rabbit in a waistcoat.  What can I say, I was an old soul even at age 5, but I digress.

I am obsessed with each minute ticking away from you, and from me, and we don't say all the things we long to say to each other. It's an ache in my bones, yet it is the ferocious beating of my heart. Time, it is the pull in my being, to yours. 

I often wonder, if we as people truly grasped that this is the only life we get, how the fucking hell do we live a life of stagnant conversation and indifference in regard to that other obsession we all chase. Love. 

To me, time is Love. Time is how I receive love and how I give love. Time in my humble opinion, is the most selfless gift you could give another.  If we all took a moment and thought back to one person we no longer have and long for even to this day; The time that we did have with them, is more precious than any other thing we can give monetary value to, because it's priceless. 

Here I sit though, on the eve of my divorce court date. I think back to a marriage of ten years and I find my obsession rears it's ugly head. Did I make the most of every single minute that I had with him? I believe I truly did. My obsession worked to my favor this time around, I try to imagine what another ten years might have looked like for him and for me, and I am grateful for this obsession. This time. I am able to walk away from this, with my head intact. The heart? Such a fickle creature, I guess dear time will tell. What I do come away with, is that it is such a rare thing to know someone who fully grasps their purpose and can tie it in with the wisdom of knowing the sands eventually run it's course through the hourglass of life. Perhaps my obsession will keep love from me, or do just the opposite and provide me a life enriched in a love so deep, time fails to have any relevance whatsoever.