Gluttonyfest ’76: A Historical Fiction

On May 31st, 1976, Memorial Day of the American Bicentennial, a large-scale eating contest between three of the most famous eaters of the era was held. The event was held at the Felt Forum in New York City. The stakes: $1,000,000, given by four major conglomerates: Kentucky Fried Chicken, Pepsi-Cola, Anheuser-Busch, and Nabisco. The four in addition also bought advertising time for the syndicated television airing of the event, along with RCA Records and United Artists, who joined in for publicity based on two of the contestants. The event's name: Gluttonyfest' 76.

The contestants are as follows:

Contestant #1: Marlon Brando. A two-time Academy Award winner and star of the recent film The Missouri Breaks, Brando has emerged as a god amongst men on the eating scale. Some of his all-time eating exploits have included eating entire jars on peanut butter every day on the set of The Wild One, having expensive catering jobs of ham on the set and splitting 52 pairs of pants from excessive overeating on Mutiny on the Bounty, and on his newest film, eating a live frog and throwing it back into a river. Reportedly, the infamous scene in Last Tango in Paris was influenced when Brando was having a hankering for butter one afternoon. His biggest eating strength: ice cream. Brando has been known to eat five gallon tubs of ice cream in one sitting. When asked about what he'd do with the prize, Brando said he'd give it to charity.

Contestant #2: Elvis Presley. We all know The King's song collection, some by heart. But we also know that Elvis is a champion eater. To prepare for this competition, Mr. Presley has been supposedly consuming 85,000 calories a day. We are not sure how this is possible but will not question the publicists on that one. Some of Elvis's eating exploits have including the fool's gold loaf, an 8,000 calorie sandwich made of an entire loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter, a jar of grape jelly, and one pound of bacon, boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts, and many scoops of ice cream. His biggest eating strength: peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Though he prefers them with Hawaiian sweet rolls, any kind of bread will do. When asked about what he'd do with the prize, Presley said he had not decided.

Contestant #3: Orson Welles. The man behind what is considered the greatest film of all-time, Citizen Kane, also has been known to have a titanic appetite. Mr. Welles' tastes are often known to be refined but he has been known to have less sophisticated tastes such as peanuts, Fritos, and Paul Maisson wine. His biggest eating strength: well, perhaps everything. Mr. Welles has been practicing by eating intimate dinners for four. And by four, we mean just Orson. When asked about what he'd do with the prize, Welles said he would finish The Other Side of the Wind and pay some debts.

The event was broadcast on syndicated television through Metromedia affiliates and other independent networks across the United States and Canada, reaching about 97% of the two countries. Other broadcasts would take place in Europe, Central and South America, Asia, and Australia. The American broadcast was covered by Phil Rizzuto of New York Yankees fame and Marv Albert of New York Knicks fame. As expected, Rizzuto would not be able to do the entire broadcast as he would have to be in Boston that night for the Yankees-Red Sox game on WPIX. The event began at 1:00 pm Eastern time and would be ready for airing at 8:00 pm Eastern time later that night.

The setup was as follows: there would be five rounds of eating or until one person remains. All food must chewed and swallowed to count. False starts or regurgitation will result in penalty or disqualification. Each round will run 10 minutes and a point system would be tallied for each round: five points for winner, three points for second, one point for third. The three contestants were introduced: Marlon Brando in a loose fitting muumuu-like suit, Elvis Presley in a blue suede suit with a "TCB" belt buckle, and Orson Welles in a tailored suit with no tie as Colonel Harland Sanders walked in to announce the rules to the contestants. He then rang a bell and the eating began.

Round #1: peanut butter. The first objective was to eat as much peanut butter as possible in ten minutes. Milk and spoons were provided. It was a great two-man battle between Brando and Presley as Welles was quickly left in the dust. Orson was barely able to get one jar in while Marlon and Elvis were able to get at least three down. When the ten minute mark was approached, it was too close to call. The third jars of Brando and Presley had to be measured by a judge, who declared that Presley had won by less than one ounce.

The score: Elvis Presley 5, Marlon Brando 3, Orson Welles 1.

Round #2: ice cream. The second objective was the same but room temperature water would be provided instead of milk. Colonel Sanders told the three contestants to watch out for the brain freezes and to take their time on the challenge. But unsurprisingly, none of the contestants cared to listen. All three contestants quickly dug into their 500ml tubs of ice cream, Brando choosing rocky road, Presley choosing mint chocolate chip, Welles choosing lemon tart, and slowly but surely got the brain freeze. All the contestants did manage to tear through three tubs each but Marlon won the battle as he managed to open a fourth tub when the ten minutes ran out. Brando was disappointed that he could not eat the fourth tub while waiting for the next round. Instead, Colonel Tom Parker decided to help himself to some rocky road.

The score: Marlon Brando 8, Elvis Presley 8, Orson Welles 2.

Round #3: cake. After an Alka-Seltzer break, the third round began. The objective was to eat as much frosted white cake in ten minutes. Water and Pepsi would be provided with forks to eat the cake. Once again, it was a Brando vs. Presley battle as Orson Welles could only stomach two pieces of cake. After his second piece and facing a sure elimination, Welles politely left the stage and told the scorekeeper he would be pulling out. As he left backstage, his assistant gave him a bottle of Pepto-Bismol, which he proceeded to shotgun. In the end, Brando wolfed down twelve pieces while Elvis chowed down eight. Elvis however downed three 12 ounce cans of Pepsi, compared to Brando's one.

The score: Marlon Brando 13, Elvis Presley 11, Orson Welles 3 (Welles resigned).

In between Rounds 3 and 4, a 20 minute intermission was taken. The audience in the Felt Forum was treated to free food and drink from the sponsors, Phil Rizzuto charted George Steinbrenner's private plane to Boston, and United Artists and RCA promoted new entertainment through trailers and 33 RPM singles. After a trailer for the forthcoming Burt Reynolds film Gator was screened on a large temporary screen, Gluttonyfest '76 was back on.

Round #4: bacon. With only two contestants left, the tension was building more and more in the Felt Forum. And Elvis's eyes widened as soon as he saw what his comeback bid would consist of. Those crispy, salty pieces of hog would be his '68 Comeback Special of eating. He destroyed those slabs of pork product as he stuffed those thinly-cut slices in his chops. The salt was too much for Marlon as he got thirsty pretty quickly and probably downed more water than bacon. By the time the ten minutes ended, Elvis destroyed Marlon by a total of 93 strips to 36.

The score: Elvis Presley 16, Marlon Brando 16.

Round #5: Oreos. It had all come down to one last round. The contest was tied and it would all amount to who could eat the most sandwich cookies from whose recipe was famously stolen from the fine people at Sunshine Biscuits. Marv Albert was hyping this final round like he'd never hyped anything before (the Knicks missed the playoffs and it looked like the Nets would steal their thunder so Marv had to get excited somehow) and the crowd was electric.

Colonel Sanders was amped up. That or he had some really good gravy on the mashed potatoes he ate during intermission but either way, he was ready to go. As soon as empty glasses were filled with ice cold milk and the bowls were filled with immaculate, unbroken Oreos, Colonel Sanders rang the bell to begin the final round. The crowd of 5,000 plus roared like a sea monster as Marlon and Elvis stuffed Oreos down their gobs. These two were remorseless eating machines as they pounded Oreos with reckless abandon, one million dollars in plain sight.

About midway through, Elvis began to feel the chocolate cookie sweats. Shortly after, Marlon felt the same. But they kept on. At about eight minutes, both began to feel like a hot water balloon but they kept trying. With 30 seconds left, Elvis just stopped eating as Marlon helped himself to catch up. Finally, the bell ringed to signify time had run out.

The judges began counting how many Oreos had been eaten as both Marlon and Elvis were looking hot and tired. The two shook hands and made small talk as they awaited the results. Finally, Colonel Sanders was handed the totals and read them off.

"Marlon Brando has eaten 129 Oreo cookies," Mr. Sanders read off. The crowd was so silent that when someone knocked over their empty bottle of Busch Bavarian, everyone heard it. "But, Elvis Presley has also eaten 129 Oreo cookies. That's right, there's a tie. And I don't know how to---".

And right there, Elvis Presley proceeded to vomit gallons of soot colored-like chunk onto the stage. Some people were disgusted while others laughed at The King's social faux-pas. Elvis approached a microphone to apologize. "I'm sorry," Elvis told the crowd. "I must use the bathroom as I've got much more." Elvis failed to make it as he created a vomit trail across backstage.

"Since Mr. Presley was unable to hold in his cookies," Colonel Sanders announced to the crowd, "Marlon Brando is officially declared the winner of Gluttonyfest '76."

As the stage was covered in puke, which was only made worse by the cleaning crew slipping and sliding into it, Brando accepted his $1 million check in the crowd area. He simply thanked the audience, handed the check to his assistant, and returned to his hotel to sleep off the mother of all stomachaches.

In the end, Gluttonyfest '76 was a rousing success. The special managed a 24 share and in some markets managed to be seen by 40% of the television viewing populace. Elvis's "puke seen 'round the world" was the talk of many news outlets and late night talk shows but people loved him even more for it. TCB, indeed. There were many offers for follow-ups to Gluttonyfest '76 but Colonel Sanders and his colleagues decided against it as it was felt the sequel was never as good as the original. Any plans were shut down due to the combination of Elvis's 1977 death and Sanders' 1980 death.

As expected, Brando gave his winnings to charity. The money didn't matter to him anyway, especially since he would see even more for Superman and Apocalypse Now. Brando continued to lead a full life (and a full stomach) until his death in 2004.

Elvis returned to touring shortly after and continued to live, well, like The King until his death the next year. It was immediately declared that Gluttonyfest '76 had nothing to do with his death as there were various other factors to his passing.

Orson Welles had no regrets about pulling out after Round 3. He pretty much knew he was finished once he saw how Marlon and Elvis ate. Orson kept busy in various film and television endeavors while also selling wine, peas, and fishsticks on TV and radio. He died in 1985, right after recording voice work as a planet-eating robot in Transformers: The Movie.

But once again, the big winners were the advertisers. After the show, KFC, Nabisco, Anheuser-Busch, Pepsi, RCA, and United Artists saw increased sales in their products. And that kind of is why these things happen. To sell products and to get people in a frenzy over what to consume. One person's gluttony creates gluttony for millions, whether in food, drink, or media. And that's how the chain begins.