The Devil on my Back
This story doesn’t have a happy ending, at least not yet. So, I’m just going to tell you what you don’t want to know. What can I say? I am not here to entertain you or start a group for victims. I like to keep my issues drawn but occasionally the passage of time or a meaningful song crushes the barrier surrounding my soul and the truth leaks out.
A simple story of the past, not even just my own past that pushes the tears to the forefront of my eyes. So, I am here to relive my darkest moments and you are here to witness my fortress of solitude become nothing but rubble upon the earth. It’s time to open the gate to Hell and let the ghouls come out and play. Just keep in mind; it’s hard to dance with the Devil on your back.
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I tried to leave the past behind me, swallowing every knife that would regurgitate itself;
When hearing her story of fighting the Devil that consumed her on a daily and nightly basis left me no choice but to face it.
After so many times of clawing at her coffin with darkness engulfing her, she tried to shake it off but she wasn’t strong enough, so she thought.
Here I am facing everyone but more importantly, I am facing the Devil. Her story is still going but happiness has never stayed with her throughout 50 years of her life. My story intertwines with hers and it’s only the beginning. Honestly, looking at her today, she is nothing like the woman I spent twenty-two years with. She is just a shell of a person.
Every demon wants its pound of flesh and for her, there is nothing left to take. And for me, I kept willingly giving my flesh to him after the fact. I just wanted it out of me; I carved at my own flesh because over the years I became numb, as did she.
Just shake him off…
It is never that simple, my darling. I’m always dragging that dead weight around and I am tired. She is tired, in fact, she wants to finally let go, but she doesn’t know how. She suffered mentally, emotionally, spiritually and most of all physically because of the Devil. He toyed with her, consumed her just because he can. He’s the Devil and he destroys your innocence first.
Then your mind, next is your body and finally, saving the best for last…your soul.
Her soul…
My soul…
So, shake it out…
“Will this ever end?” she asked to no one. This is happening to her and throughout the years it followed her, lingering and poisoning everything around her. She wants to know what love is like. Her own mother didn’t know how to show love to her unclean daughter. So, she retreated into herself, into physical “love” because that is all she was cursed with experiencing.
Her body was forced to abort a living soul, was she relieved or was she devastated? Only she knows that. I am not sure I can handle either answer.
Because she liked to keep her issues close to herself…
Every day she relives her darkest moments because of certain triggers:
Her Mother; if only she cared enough to protect her from the Demon that tortured her.
Her Sister; she is too close to the flame and denial was her firepower.
Her Body; scars that will never be visible to anyone but her.
It’s always darkest before the Dawn…
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Unfortunately, my story is parallel to hers…
And that is when the Devil rises and makes his presence known; Whispering in the thick of the night cooing in your ear, caressing your warm skin just because he can. He needs no permission to slowly destroy you from the inside out. His touch is poison seeping through your pores.
“Hush… little one.”
As I laid there staring up at the ceiling looking for Heaven but instead I found the Devil in me. And he stayed…
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I can never leave the past behind and neither could she. There is a dark karma that follows her throughout the rest of her life. Failed relationships, two little girls by two different men; she knew she’d never find love, peace and happiness if she keeps dragging that dead weight around. So, she fights…Fights for the wrong reasons with the wrong people. She fights men; blood, flesh and bruises that appear upon her body. Her soul continues to be tainted not because she’s angry, but because she’s not fighting for the right reasons. Fight for you soul, sweet child.
Shake it out…
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It’s always darkest before the Dawn. And he never fails to miss an unwanted appointment. I hate myself more than I hate him. I have let him devour my soul for 20 years because I believed I deserved it. NO MORE! No more self-pitying, no more blaming myself for attracting such darkness. I am done dragging that dead weight around, tonight I will bury that asshole in the ground!
Yes, it’s hard to dance with the Devil on my back but I am done with him, for good.
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She doesn’t see a way out of his grip; she’ll secretly blame herself for what happened to her daughters. Her daughters were more than victims; they were cursed with the same darkness the moment the Devil penetrated her body.
“I’ve been a fool and I have been blind,” she cried to herself. Deep down she knew she couldn’t leave the past behind. She did everything in her power to protect her little girls from the Devil. She fought like hell but he found them and he played with them.
“Face your fears, your anger, and your hurt, mom. I will face them with you, I promise. Because regrets collect like old friends, aren’t you tired? We have no more to give him. I don’t blame you, I never have. So please stop blaming yourself.
“I know it hard to dance with the Devil on your back so shake him off. It is time to bury the things that don’t matter anymore. The things that are holding you back. It may always be darkest before the dawn but there is always light after the dark.
Just shake it out, mom.