Innocence

I was thirteen, he was seventeen. 

God, I wish I knew better than ride in a car, with a seventeen-year old boy whom I barely know. He was the one driving.

Mario. 

That's his name, as far as I can remember. He could've been older than 17, but since he drove a car and I assumed he had a license, he could've been 18 or 19. Something like that. 

I was introduced to Mario by my best friend, Regina. Regina and Mario met online, in a virtual game where you can meet other players. It was a portal for shy introverts to make friends, behind their computer screens.

That was thirteen years ago when I was thirteen. The memory, however, is still fresh in my mind. How, at 6 pm, Regina had said goodbye and wished me luck on my date (she set me up with Mario after all). How, after Mario bought me popcorn and iced tea at the movie theater, he basically bought my soul. No, delete that. Body and soul.

"You're such a nice boy," I told him, feeding myself popcorn. He was easy to love. So easy to love.

Erupted from him laughter, a sinister kind of laughter, which I didn't like but ignored anyway. "Me? Nice? Well, we'll see about that."

The movie we watched was The Core, the blockbuster movie everyone's been talking about. It was already dark inside the cinema, and the movie is about halfway. We were ushered into seats in the balcony.

I knew something was wrong when his hand unzipped my jeans and let it inside my panties to finger me. "There, is that okay?" he asked gently. For a moment, I was confused. This is what I wanted, right? To be loved, the love that was denied me all these years. The attention from an alpha male, to even look my way, a thing I was never afforded.

The following week, we met again. This time, Mario brought me to a motel, where he said he would "eat" me and "do things" to me. He ordered me to take off all my clothes - tee shirt, brassiere, panties. This was my first time to show myself naked in front of a male, the last time was when I was five years old when I ran around the house in my birthday suit.

He taught me "forbidden" things. Things I should've learned when I was older but will learn anyway. He made me watch him masturbate until he came, after going down on me. He made me give him a blowjob, asking me if I knew deep-throat when I had no idea what it was. His penis made me gag, I wanted to vomit.

Also, it was my first time to see a grown man's genitals. I felt stupid I did not know anything of this, or how to act in bed. I really just laid there, let him eat me, have his way with me. I did not know what I want. I was too young to have sexual fantasies neither did I indulge in them. The only fantasy I remember was being tied to a bed while somebody plunged deep inside of me. But I dared not tell him that.

Is this what two people who are in love do? Is this what people do? Look for a partner and decide it's 'the one they want to do this kind of thing with? It was dirty, it was nasty, it was a mess. Did I always have to sneak out to do this? 

When I came home, my mother crashed whatever breakable object she could find in my direction. 

I did not care, however. I had  more important things in mind.

Like brushing my teeth that night. Hard. Also my tongue. Hard. I still tasted his penis in my mouth.