Stealth Emotion

He was a musician. I was an aspiring actress. He had a cat. I was allergic to it. So was he. Yet somehow, we all managed to fall in love with each other. I wasn't expecting to but I fell for him very quickly and very hard.

He made me laugh. That's what sealed the deal. I have a good sense of humor, but the most you'll normally get out of me is a chuckle and a guffaw. But he could make me laugh so hard that my face would turn red, and no sound would come out and I'd look like I was having an asthma attack. Now that's comedy.

So things were good when he left New York to tour Paris with A Chorus Line. I stayed behind to take care of his cat.

There were no cell phones back then, no pagers, no email. So we agreed that he'd call me every Sunday night, eight o'clock New York time. I never missed one of those calls for the first 4 weeks. Then, on the fifth Sunday, the phone did not ring. I'm sure I hadn't missed it because I was practically sitting on that phone.

Week six, nothing.

Somewhere between weeks seven and eight, I received a letter. It was a short one. He had met a music producer who wanted him to lay down some tracks in the studio. It was a big opportunity. Oh, and he'd also met Lydia. She was French. She was a dancer. He was in love with her. He would return to the States soon and would come by to pick up his cat. He was sorry.

Anger. That's the first thing I felt. Why was he even talking to another woman? We had something special. Did he really think a European fling was something genuine? Didn't he recognize vacation sex for what it was? You fall for someone while on vacation and it all seems very romantic. Then you get home and the whole things fades to sepia within a month. After two months, you can't really be certain you remember what the other person looked like. And gee that was fun, but it wasn't real.

Embarrassment, that was emotion number two. I felt like a chump; taking care of his pet, sitting by the phone...and the whole time he's with Lydia, making her laugh the soundless laugh, soaking up her exotic French accent...all in one of the most romantic cities on planet Earth. What I fool I was.

Resignation. Once you cross me, you do not get a second chance. I'm not being punitive. It's just the way I am. I've always been this way. And I will never ask you back, or beg you to stay. When it's over, it's over. That's my nature.

I threw the letter away, and took a hot shower. The water was supposed to wash him off me, but instead it created a flood, a flood of tears, of memories, of wishes and regrets. And then I felt the strangest sensation, like something roiling in my belly, creeping up through my chest, lodging in my throat until I reflexively opened my mouth. It exhaled out of me; the most primal cry. It was raw and loud. I felt all my energy go with it and it nearly knocked me to the shower floor. I'd never experienced anything like it, and it completely caught me off guard. But right away, I knew exactly what it was. Heartache.