Yeah, This Blows

Yo Dairy,

Day One. I don't have much time...so I will try to hurry...

Well, it didn't happen like 28 Days Later, Shawn of the Dead, or hell, just about any zombie movie ever made...it happened when our newly elected president, the very original, the very unique, Drumpf was smoking cigars in the Oval Office. Someone gave him the bad news that Nigel Farage, Kim Jung and Satan wanted to meet up for afternoon tea around 3pm on a Tuesday. Of course Drumpf had to go, he hadn't decided to skip all those "dumb" intelligence meetings for nothing...

That was a week ago. Or at least I think it was a week ago. Time moves so slowly now, it's hard to tell the day from the night.

Ya see, shortly after tea started (Satan was Live FBing the whole event, it almost broke FB site) Drumpf and Satan got into an argument over who had the most "followers" on Twitter and then that snowballed into a heated debate over who was the most "influential".

Nigel sipped his tea with his ugly smug mug. He babbled on about how he convinced the U.K. to vote for Brexit.

Kim Jung-un quipped he has the most influence because he blocks out all the media he doesn't like...he ended by saying it's exhausting exercising so much control over people's lives.

President Drumpf reminded everyone that he convinced the United States he was a better candidate than Bernie Sanders and Hilary Clinton. President Drumpf laughed. Nigel laughed. They laughed.

Satan quickly interjected, and brought up the fact he's flipping immortal and has been slowly collecting souls or as he calls them "followers" since time immemorial.

All of them agreed Satan hadn't really earned those "followers" and asked that he put a limit on the number of years...to bring it more inline with everyone.

For some reason about 45 minutes into tea Putin showed up. He kissed Drumpf on the cheek and sat down. "Sorry I'm late babe, you know how it is.." it was at this point I ralfed into the nearest bin.

Satan and Putin then got into an argument over the LGTBQ treatment in Russia. Satan told Putin their souls only burn in hell if they are bad people....because get this, hell doesn't care about sexual orientation, hell only likes sinners.

Then out of nowhere Drumpf, who must have felt the conversation wasn't giving him enough attention made fun of Kim's accent. And pretended to be disabled and spoke in a stereotypical "Asian" version of broken English.

We all saw Kim Jung throw hot tea in Drumpf's face then the camera goes wobbly as a fight breaks out.

And that was it.

Screen went black.

"Broadcast Interrupted"

Everyone went on with their day...until dinner time on the west coast. Then all hell broke loose.

Canisters and large metal drums of toxic waste started dropping from the sky. They were rigged to explode and though we still aren't sure who launched the attack we are fairly sure the majority of our armed forces have been deployed elsewhere. The people were left to fend for themselves.

At first the attacks seemed random. But soon, we started to notice water supplies were being targeted.

In just a few days the disease spread to all the major cities. The waste once ingested mutates the cells--those cells adapt so fast...

Unlike in the movies these zombies...can change from human to feral in under 10 seconds. The only way to kill one of these zombies is with fire or explosives. Bullets do not cut it. Shooting them in the head...just pisses them off...it's a freaking nightmare...

My group and I have survived this far because some of us have read something called the "Anarchists Cookbook". While my friends played GTA back in 8th grade I learned how to live it; I grew up poor and my grandpa was a kook, it's amazing what old people leave out for us youngsters to find.

Anyways, those slimy buggers are gnashing at the door again...and these Molotov's aren't going to throw themselves...

I hear Del calling I have to run...if I make it--I'll write more tomorrow....

*Image from sookie on Flickr used under Creative Commons--some rights reserved*