Happiness is a fickle thing

So many things I want to say, but I lost myself in trying to figure you out. Now I'm sitting here, opposite you gazing into those eyes that I used to find comfort in. Breathing short and rapid breaths in an attempt to keep myself from choking on my own air. Suddenly the oxygen felt thicker, heavier, as I tried to exhale the words “I'm happy for you”. Struggling to hold the eye contact. I didn't want to let you know that you hurt me. That you're the reason I lose sleep every night. Laying wide awake with my eyes glistening whilst the salt burns the back of my eyelids. In the background, a song caresses my ears, echoing around in my mind until my subconscious begins to search for pieces of you in it. I didn't want to let you know that every time you glance at me I feel like screaming because despite the fact that you knew who I really was, and the demons that haunt my thoughts, you hurt me anyway. And you're fine. No, you're better than fine. You're happy. Because while I was lying awake wondering if I should call you in the early hours of the morning before the sun had crept up on the horizon, you were fast asleep with her by your side. Her hand filling the gaps that at a time I thought were mine alone. You were loving her because she is your world and my only purpose in your world was to keep you occupied while she was away. But here we were, watching the pink and yellow begin to paint the sky as morning crept up on us. The silhouette of our breaths almost intertwined as you whisper the words, “I loved you both equally”. And my body shudders because I know it isn't true. So I stand there with my lips parted incapable of finding words. This is the last time I'm seeing you and I can't even find the words I wanted to say. Instead, I gaze down at my feet because I can't stand to look at you knowing that you were in love with someone else, that I wasn't enough. But that's a part of life. Sometimes the good people lose, and the people who have already hurt enough for a lifetime have to handle another loss. Those who inflict the pain turn out just fine. They find love and inspiration and a light in their eyes. Life brings them someone to make them want to get up in the morning. And that's all you can really ask for. So I keep giving and loving because despite how many times I've been hurt I still want my someone to wake up to when times are rough and the night was long. So if this is the last thing I'll say to you, then I hope you're happy.