Forever Fall

Twilight. It was 19:13, and the air felt moist. The parking lot recognized a thin layer of fog, annexing to the luminescence of the fixed streetlights incorporated onto the platforms. The sky was a purple wash of colour as though it had been painted adjacent to that of a felt canvas. Everywhere was null of sound.

Jamie had an unmoved face in a poignant moment.

Already finishing his fourth and last year of college, he was isolated from everyone. But it didn't make sense. He was friendly. He had enough confidence. Nevertheless, he was that huge of an introvert.

He possessed everything yet fell short.

All he had was his roommate, who viewed all of Jamie's actions an omission. Said that he wasn't his 'friend', that the former was another face.

In a way, he was that guy.

Jamie sighed.

Of course, he wasn't invariably this way. He loved to share videos about college life, as well as dissing his roommate. Jamie also loved filming short films that were ambient and story-filled; he filmed every Friday and Saturday.

It did cop a handful of attention, but not commercial.

Mattered it not. All he acquired was fun

For fun it was and how it thou shalt.

One day, while scrolling through the comments, replying to all of the positive feedback, he found an iota of a sentence. It appeared to be created by the profile of a girl.

Said her name was Fall. The lettering said, "Nice form." Nothing more, nothing less.

Jamie stared at the flickering monitor that appeared motionless yet bent at the pressed will of electricity. The pixels culminated into the form of a small profile pic, a girl in her supposed 20's. He clicked the link.

The page refreshed. The channel art was nothing more than a pink and red gradient, but it opened up a new world. She also did short films as well as a daily video journal.

Minutes whisked for nought reason. The different colours, beach-side and autumn, seemed to whirl and swirl together on a stage. The stories were magnificent, the people were nice, it seemed interesting.

She had about a few thousand subscribers. Around the same as him.

Going through her description and social media, he eventually found her Kik username. Although not a fan, he had used it to contact a friend in the United States: Kaylon, who was now dating a girl named Sky.

He felt happy for them both.

As soon as he found her profile, he instantly became anxious. He had never greeted a stranger online and his parents warned him about that hazard. Jamie became petrified, a feeling in his intestines proliferated within.

Inversely, he also liked the spirit of adventure. Most of his short films were taboo subjects that he fell insecure to. Without his friends, he couldn't have the pair to attempt new routes.

Another minute rolled away from time's grasp, in a manner of a buttoned marble.

Still frozen, he steadily typed, "Hi. Are you there?" Seemed too English, but what the hell? He pressed Send. He swiftly locked the phone, threw it across the bed and lay there, deeply sighing.

The darkness, sooty and candid walls + ceiling stared down at Jamie. It's as if the overcast covered his vision before his eyelids did. Then, as though déjà vu, he woke up with a sharp and precipitous gas for air. Too much. He coughed and hacked.

He looked at the brick which was his smartphone. He then sighed a regret and plopped himself onto the pillow. So fluffy and warm. It was like a hug that only they exchanged secretly. Them against the world.

The phone then vibrated. The sheets choked the movement as though a person asphyxiating another with chloroform-soaked linen.

Jamie picked it up. She replied. "Hi, Jamie! It's nice to meet you."

Unlocking the phone, he launched the app. They began to converse with each other for hours on end. Talking about filmmaking, art and friendship.

She, too, lived in the United States. However, she lived in New York, while Jamie was based in Seattle.

After an hour, they had to say goodbye to each other.

"Is it possible that I can talk to you tomorrow?" He asked.

"Yes. Maybe, if I have time." She answered.

They said goodbye and then he exited the app. He then climbed down the ladder, attached the phone cable, ascended and tucked himself in.

His eyes liked to close independently, sometimes.

A year later, graduation came and hats seemed like feathers collating to the excitement in the air.

He smiled. He had something to be proud of. Although not valedictorian, the top of his class, he was still among the top 10 in GPA rankings.

That was comforting. To say the least.

But, now that he was done, what should he do now? The question that could be answered later.

Having a perfunctory conversation with his friends, Jamie open his car door and drove downtown.

He liked to get a quick bite to eat, then buy tickets to go on the Space Needle. Sounds stereotypical, but the view is always stunning.

After he paid the man, he parked at the foot of the behemoth. It almost reminded him of his fear of heights. A deep breath ensued and then the first steps were taken, a one giant leap for mankind.

Card met Square. Time wasn't forgiving as well on the elevator.

But the view was stunning. The panoramic view of the skyline made the trip worth the stress.

Coincidentally the phone shivered, sensually itching his right thigh. It was Fall, again.

But, she had good news that propelled him to a state of happiness. She was visiting Seattle.

The day arrived. She asked Jamie where they'd like to meet and introduce themselves. He asked them if they could rent bikes, to which she agreed.

They then trekked down the Burke-Gilman, even through the missing link. It seemed warm, but at the same time, it was a little bit humid but also mellow and warm.

The duo always talked about more stuff, family, friends and the art of filmmaking. Jamie also mentioned that he was saving for a Blackmagic Cinema Camera, which would allow him to pursue films better.

After all, he had Final Cut Pro. And a MacBook.

Stopping at an area, taking interest, Fall had something to say. The tree also wanted to listen, leaning near their shoulders.

She began to talk about the New York Film Academy and a program for getting a Master's, Bachelor's or Associate degree in filmmaking and it's derivatives. It would be the perfect place to start studying for film.

"I've always had the dream to become a filmmaker ever since I watched Titanic. That's all I've ever thought about, really." She said.

"No way!" Jamie replied. "I've loved films, but I've never knew where to start."

"Well, now you know." She said rhetorically.

And no kidding. She had a whole aura of optimism like you'd never expect. Almost like a power source of some kind. As much as Jamie was positive in mind, he was often blunt and more realistic.

But, who could complain?

After they completed the trail, they ate. They enjoyed each other's company, they fit each other perfectly well. They never knew each other before, but that was erased. Just them versus Seattle.

As Fall searched for a card, Jamie sensed this and reacted quite abruptly.

"Stop, stop, stop! What are you doing?" He asked. Jamie had yelled a bit, earning a sense of overwrought to Fall.

The other was befuddled. "What do you mean, 'What are you doing?' I'm paying for the food." She replied, seriously in manner and tone.

"No, don't. Please, I will." He fetched a slim, black wallet from his back pocket and reeled in a Visa. "I'd, just. Rather pay for the meal. Just saying."

As quick and unsettling that it was, in Fall's eyes, it was a very sweet gesture. A few seconds after the brisk move, she smirked a bit. She let him pay.

The pastel blue of the day in Seattle then began to diversify into different colours. The sun still held the orange hue of its colour and the temperature began to descend into the 50's.

Jamie told Fall to close her eyes, that there was a surprise waiting around the corner. He led her into the car, closed the door and got in. With a flick of the wrist, the car grunted and activated, expelling gases into the fresh air.

He backed up, then geared to drive. She was excited for whatever the 'surprise' was.

Finally, he parked at the foot of the behemoth once more. Gripping his phone, he got out of the car and led Fall to the front.

"Now you can open your eyes." He said softly.

At first, she thought he was lying. He was often known to pull lighthearted jokes, both on the Internet and infrequently during their time together. But, she sensed the calm and gentle nature of him. Seeping through his playful personality. She retracted her hands slowly and opened her eyes. The sun glared the radiance of her hazel eyes.

Slowly, she choked onto reality, took a step backwards and gazed. She clasped her hands over her mouth. Her face showed the expressions of disbelief, surprise and raw happiness.

Before she could say anything, Jamie spoke. "Yes, we're going up there."

Fall was that excited. In fact, so full of energy that she wrapped her arms around him and held tightly. It was weird, since they had just met. But, Jamie reciprocated the feeling of this sensation and sluggishly wrapped his arms in the same manner.

It was only for a few seconds. Then they let go and smiled at another.

The elevator was just as fast as they claimed, albeit slower than top speed. You could see the entire skyline from up there, all panoramic and within view.

Fall and Jamie leaned against the railings, taking in the sight and sound of the seaside cityscape. They were each awed in their unique way, but the certain conclusion could never be so clear.

"Hey." Jamie said.

"What's up?" Fall asked.

Being a personal question, he hesitated. Then, he inquired. "Is Fall your real name?"

Fall projected a fathomless look of uneasiness. No one had ever asked this question to her. In fact, he had never asked that question on their chats on Kik. She was still.

Jamie wanted to ask, concerned over whether she was offended or thinking. But, given the patience of all beings, he waited.

A few seconds rolled away. After a debate, she took in a deep breath and sighed.

"No, Fall isn't." She spoke in a soft demeanor, "Fall is a nickname I gave myself because many people in middle school confused me with another person. I also consider autumn to be my favorite season because of how beautiful it is."

Jamie couldn't say anything. Although autumn wasn't his favorite season, he could agree that it was the most beautiful seasons of the four.

"My name is Noya Elizabeth." Fall said, "but I prefer Fall over Noya." She started to regress to a shy state of mind, being scared of what his answer would be. Even idealists have weaknesses.

He smiled. It wasn't a bad name. In his mind, it was a beautiful and gorgeous name. Unique, as well.

In response, Jamie lightly cleared his throat. He then breathed. "Jamie isn't my real name, either." Fall then looked up at him.

"Jamie originated from when my mother started to call me that instead of my real name because she disliked that one. My father named me that because it was his favorite type of whiskey, which he took pride out of."

Fall's face showed unflustered emotion. It was pretty easy to tell she was listening wholeheartedly, interested.

"My real name is Jameson Hemmington, but I also prefer to be called Jamie."

Fall smiled.

He then continued to lean on the railings while looking at the view, and the duo started to talk about a lot of things.

After that, they went down the elevator for the last time that day. The view was amazing, but the ride was still nerving.

They exited the Needle. When they got into the car, Jamie went to the trunk and got a small blanket. Then, he closed the trunk, started the car and headed out off the lot.

Fall fell asleep on the way. Her hotel was distant, but it was in downtown and it had good service. Carefully, Jamie grabbed the blanket, unfolded it with one hand and placed it on her. Granted, it wasn't pretty. But it was something.

They then arrived. Fall woke up, gradually coming to her senses as well as seeing the blanket. He then walked her into the lobby and they said their compliments. Both enjoyed the other's presence, as well as the time they had. They said goodbye; Jamie walked back to his car and Fall headed for the elevator.

The screen refreshed to show the application page. In a inadequately-lit hotel room, the screen illuminated Jamie's face and part of the background behind him. The curtains suppressed the bright moonlight.

He wanted something that would be interesting and fun. There was a 3 year Bachelor for Fine Arts program. That would be interesting. But, it would also be 2 additional years for the Master's degree, something that might bore him.

But, filming was a hobby and he did like it, although not what he was going for originally.

But, what the hell?

A year later, he was still getting used the 'ropes' of things. It was hard and it sometimes bored him, but he felt like pursuing because films did interest him. And it wasn't for Fall.

Mentioning her, she didn't live near him at all. She lived in a different apartment community, but he visited her often and they took walks. He lived with another roommate, particularly because the LA budget was costly.

It was fine, however. If she wasn't available, that left time for him to work on his film projects. And to talk a walk or run alone.

But the thought of her could never take off.

One day, in the summer, he want over to Fall's apartment and knocked. It was a stupid and selfish idea, but he asked his roommate and anyone else if they could help, since he was doing a project and he needed help.

All of them said no, they had somewhere else to be and/or they weren't interested. Even some girls rejected him outright. It's funny how society works, because they often lied about their reasons.

He really didn't want to bring her in, mainly because she already had her projects and he talked to her most of the time, even going out of his way to be available whenever he possibly can.

Then, he denied the thought of ringing the doorbell or knocking at the door. He slowly tiptoed from the door, but slipped from the ledge of the stairs. Hearing footsteps, he ran to the car and drove away.

Fall only saw the car leaving.

They still visited each other. However, three months passed with less communication between the pair. They were both busy, but Jamie put in the time to talk to her.

To try to balance life, homework and friends is a dangerous route, unlike the yellow brick road.

A month ago, he began having symptoms of undernourishment because he started to ration, having sparse money to survive as well as having to work overnight. He then started to have palpitations.

About three weeks earlier, he began to feel stressed out because it was always assignment upon assignment, with no compromise. He then suffered a panic attack and was calmed down by staff after yelling in class and cowering into the corner. His roommate moved out that day, increasing costs for him.

A week after that, he had to go to his grandmother's funeral. All I can say is that they were close. If you had to go to a funeral where you were extremely close to someone, I bet you wouldn't survive the eulogy.

A month later, he began to suffer from depression, but it didn't become severe. It was severe enough that he shattered the bathroom mirror, claiming that his grandmother was there. The diagnosis did not help either.

Fall was doing fine. To her, stress was just another hurdle on the track. Emotionally, she was unchanged. But she was doing work.

Regardless, one day, Jamie texted, "Hey. Are you there?" It followed with "I need help right now and I don't feel well."

Being busy in the instant, she replied, "I'm sorry, Jamie. I'm working now and I can't come over. Maybe another time?"

Jamie was revolted. He thought that she was mistaking this as another opportunity to hang out, when in fact he felt worse than depressed. He decided to go over to tell her what he meant.

He entered the car, ignited the engine and took off. A minute later, he knocked at Fall's door. She opened the door in a frustrated manner. "What?"

"Listen, I need help. I'm feeling down and I need someone to talk to. Can you plea..."

She interrupted him as he finishing the sentence, planting the fact that she was persistent to complete her homework. "I don't have time for this. I need to finish my work."

Jamie chuckled. "Look, you don't understan..."

This was the tipping point for Fall, who's frustrated aura quickly weathered into anger, retaliation and brutal honesty. She yelled in response. "No, you don't understand! I'm trying to do work when you couldn't obviously stop at the text reply! You just had to come here and say it to my face! You fuck! Go kill yourself, you fool! And don't come back!" While saying this, she poked and then finally shoved him off the stairs.

He fell down and hit the back of his head stridently, making a raucous noise in his ears. He couldn't move for a few seconds. After getting up and wincing in pain, he saw Fall regretting her decision. She was mortified.

Jamie then got up and walked to the car as if nothing ever happened. She was still paralyzed even after he left.

When he got home, he yelled in anger, releasing all the emotion pent up in his damaged heart. He kept yelling "I'm gonna gut her!" at the top of his lungs, thundering the walls of his confined space

When the screaming subsided, he then put himself into a corner, curled up into a ball and cried. He lingered there for a week and a half, dehydrating his purest personality into something dark and broken.

Out of nowhere the 11th day, he then started to gradually turn from a chuckle to a laugh to hysteria. He started to hear voices that weren't there, he began to feel depressed. And he wanted to do harm to himself.

He gathered bleach, a sharp knife and spare parachute cord from the house and filled the tub. He just sat there, paralyzed and devoid of hope; despairing. He then proceeded to cut numerous slashes on his arms, poured bleach on them and jumped into the tub. The pain hurt himself and he started to cry, but he kept laughing. His clothes became damp.

He then started to hit a nerve and cut it, until he leaft a part where he can see bone. The blood adulterated into the water, creating a haunting red-orange hue. He then sliced his right Achilles tendon, watching as more blood mixed in with the human substance and felt the feeling of his foot riddled with pain.

He then reached for the paracord, unsuccessfully. As he tried to walk, he couldn't stand up and fell over the side, scraping a part of his stomach with the knife lightly. He crawled toward the sink, where the rope was. His dehydrated, mangled body instead reached for the phone.

After sending a cry for help to Fall, he collapsed. The water and blood began to mix onto the floor, oozing out the precious substance of life. He gasped for air as his vision oscillated from blurriness to clear view, the pain began to burn and his health started deteriorating. His life was on a seesaw.

Fall got in a few minutes after, frantically running around and calling his name. He couldn't speak, so he croaked "Here..." so quietly. His body couldn't take it anymore. He collapsed and briefly fainted.

By chance, Fall found him. BY that time, he was nearing death or something dangerously low. She cried for both him and her mistake, clutching his head in her arms as she knelt onto the floor. She whispered repeatedly, "It's gonna be okay" into his pure, unharmed ears, but he minute she said that, she knew it might be worse than that.

He weakly grabbed her arms and put them on his throat. His crying eyes interlocked with her eyes. He mouthed "Please" to her, begging for the pain to be over. But she couldn't do it. Not to someone she hurt when he desperately needed help.

The paramedics arrived just as he fell unconscious.

At the hospital, they stitched him up and treated him. Some doctors reassured him and comforted him. That was before they put him into anesthesia. His cuts were treated and luckily nothing serious happened, although they had to be stitched. The bleach didn't do anything bad, although irritation to the skin and some tissue damage.

The one thing that mattered was that he was still alive. And the fact that his clothes were thrown away.

Fall visited him a day after. He was lightly sleeping during this. As soon as the first step was taken, Jamie's ears tickled and his eyes opened. The pupils dilated wearily to the light as he turned his head to the left and saw her.

"Why didn't you kill me?" He asked, faintly smiling.

She stopped at the edge of the bed, the memories flooding back. She shed a tear and lightly opened her mouth, as if she wanted to say something but just didn't have the courage. "I didn't mean to hurt you..." Her words trailed off as she sniffled.

His arm slowly rose into the air, brushing the lone tear from her right cheek. She placed her hand over his, a sign of comfort. She softly smirked, closing her eyes and letting out a troubled sigh.

"I know you didn't mean it." He said, plainly. "In the end, you're human. So am I."

She nodded.

"I'm glad that you came, it's been lonely ever since. I'm very sorry for what happened and I know you didn't mean it."

They both smiled. He stopped lightly grazing her cheek. They were happy and that's all that mattered.

It took roughly five months to heal, including the Achilles tendon. He had to wear a cast. Within that time, Fall and Jamie became closer together, he finished 3 short films and he projected his true personality better. Unfortunately, because society is always unforgiving, he didn't gain any new friends.

It felt like love. But, at the same time, was it worth it? They were more compatible as two friends who could understand themselves. But as lovers? It would be complicated. But, it was possible.

Jamie was hesitant about this. Every time he even though about love, it put strain on his intestines and he felt nauseous. It felt like he could burst and die.

Still, he never stopped thinking about that possibility. Yet, it would be complicated because they were somewhat different. But, who knows?

Six months after the event, he knocked on Fall's door. She had been there for him when he needed her the most. Now, he wanted to repay the debt the bill that she had left for him.

He knocked on the door, but it creaked open. The door was even locked. He thought that maybe she forgot to close it all the way. He went in.

The interior of the house was quaint yet comforting. There was nothing fancy about it and that's what made it special. It was just roomy and plain.

Jamie lost himself while viewing the room that he didn't notice that Fall was in the shower and was walking out. Seeing him, she screamed. As soon as he saw her, he instantly covered his eyes and ran the other direction.

After this outburst, she softly laughed in disgust and surprise and said, "What are you doing here?"

He laughed as well. "I came here to ask you something. But the door was open. I'm sorry that I did not tell you that I was coming over. I'm so sorry!"

It's not that he didn't walk in on people like that, nude. In fact, if that's ever happened to someone, it'd probably be weird. It's not every day that you walk in like that way. Plus, he hated that there was always a biological reaction to this sort of thing.

If anything, it was funny how life worked.

After all was said and done, Fall changed into fresh clothes while Jamie was waiting on the sofa. All feelings had been purged out of himself and he lay still. He softly waited do he could ask her. Nothing bad.

The door opened. Out stepped Fall, her hair still damp from the shower. If anything, she was just as beautiful as the day he saw her in person. Still rocking the long hair quite well from his perspective.

She was brushing her hair. "So, what was it that you wanted to ask me?"

Jamie was distracted by earlier. "Uh, I was hoping that we could maybe go out for a drive? We haven't done that in a long time and I owe you one after what happened. But if you don't want to do it, that's fine. I can wait another time and it's shocking that I "

Fall was stunned that he would ask something like this, even after something like the incident. One side of her wanted to say yes and absolutely go on the drive with him. Oppositely, the other side of her wanted to say no, largely because she still had work and because it would be an uneasy choice.

But, on a general point of view, she did enjoy the last time they were out together, which was months ago. She forgot what month it was, but it was long ago. Plus, it would also be fun. She had never gained any fun from her studies and she certainly did not have fun at all this week or the previous.

So, she decided. "I'll think about it. Just....." She took in a deep breath and sighed. "Leave me alone for now. I have a lot in my mind."

Jamie nodded and embraced her, warmly and very compassionately. She hugged back and closed her eyes, snuffling herself onto his shoulder and closing her eyes. Then he let go.

He put his hand on her shoulder. "Anything for you, Noya."

He smiled and left. It left her with a gleaming sense of, well, optimism. Something that she had started with and which she was now lacking.

That night, the moonlight waned into something lesser than before. The windowsill was quiet, the birds were gone. They usually perched there. In her bed, she laid still; unable to sleep.

It was quiet, to say the least. This got to her and just staring at the darkness made her lose the game. Jamie was about the last thing on her mind before she dozed off into a dreamscape. Somewhere unhinged.

Three days later, Jamie was exhausted and sleeping. Staying up didn't help at all and he was bored. Pretty much, what was once fun was now boring. College now took over his life and he needed a reason to get his body up and active. Yet the day had nothing to seize.

The phone vibrated. It partially woke him from his nap, who reached for his phone like a cat pawing wearily at it's enemy.

It was from Fall. "Can we do a walk instead? A drive isn't going to do it for me..." He replied with a "Sure."

They planned it for later that afternoon. He then went back to sleep, due to reality checking alongside the sense of wooziness. The eyelids became heavy and weighted and he meandered into the wash.

Four hours later, Jamie still slept. It was all a trance, dreams collided with the space of his mind. His entire body ached of burnout and it resembled the appeared state of unconsciousness. It perceived as though he would sleep forever.

He almost forgot about the walk.

Just then, someone knocked at the door. It snapped him instantly out of his static state, stimulating the muscles and causing him to be in the moment. It woke him with a blow.

He got up and looked. It was Fall, wearing jeans and a light jacket. She also cut her hair to shoulder-length.

He opened the door and let her in. He apologized for sleeping in but she upbraided him in the middle, saying that was alright and that there was no fault.

In the meantime, she waited as he took a quick shower, put on a pair of walking clothes and step out. He wore a T-shirt that had a rainbow on it, a jacket and a hat. The hat perfectly matched with his blonde, ear-length hair. He apologized, but then quickly suppressed it.

They walked around Los Angeles, which was bustling and noisy, though nothing compared to the city of insomnia. They didn't go purchase items or anything for that matter, for they didn't want to use their wallets for some unusable gain. They only had each other, as the former enjoyed the latter.

Both Fall and Jamie enjoyed their time together, walking together. Although they were friends, the gut-wrenching feeling of love came over him but Cupid's arrow did less to her. Although she could compare to and love him, she felt indifferent about the outcome and more of the peril if their relationship did crumble. In a way, she was scared but also hopeful.

They chatted on and on about film, what college had done to them, their family and their life. It was emotional and unpleasant sometimes, but this story cannot last forever.

It started to turn grey, so full and warm of cotton. It was only the afternoon, but the climate dropped as though it was night or slightly chilly. It started sprinkling like the droplets of water from a faucet, except at a higher velocity. Then, it started to tinkle, rain and then pour.

The doublet just continued walking, then stopped. Looked up at the sky, then looked at each other. They smiled and laughed. Then, he tagged her, squealed "Tag!" and ran. He ran the opposite way, but Fall stood there. He looked around and saw her standing there, aloof.

His face converted from happiness to worry. He walked back to her slowly. "What's the matter?" He stroked her cheek with his hand but that didn't seem to work.

"Are you ok? Did I frighten you?"

She snapped out of it. She looked down and seldom smirked, a sort of trademark about her psyche. "It just reminded me of how you were when we..."

"First met?" He snickered.

They both laughed. He had a much more prominent and shy personality back then. Before college didn't turn him into a workaholic. Before he didn't have to make films and do homework. Before the luscious blade of steel had coated the smooth skin of arm with blood.

She looked up at him and smiled. He looked at her. Their eyes engaged and their faces went expressionless, their minds were altered and the world seemed to blur away. The raindrops hitting their bare skin felt like air on a sunny day, although it wasn't.

They couldn't talk, they couldn't speak. A moment is worth more than words. But the feeling. The feeling of holding another in one's arms. To see each other for who they are. To lovingly kiss the other's lips and taste the sweet sensation that is each other. To love, I suppose, and understand the person who've known the longest. That feeling.

Slowly, they moved in closer. Closer and yet so far. Soon, their breaths collided into a tornado of excitement and intimacy. Their eyes became closer then they were before, they could see the individual strands within the iris. Jamie could see Fall's hazel eyes, so delicate and effervescent. She could see his amber eyes, injected with adrenaline.

He placed his hand ever so softly on her cheek like he did all those times, she closed her eyes. He moved his fingers a little, the gratifying sensitivity of touch. She placed her hand on his cheek, grazing the tough yet rare texture of his kin with her fingers. They leaned closer together, almost there. Almost there.

Then, something else started to pour into Jamie's bloodstream: insecurity and regret. Just like how happiness was present in the moment, something was already starting to manifest from the fears and anxieties of him.

He started to breath a little heavier and his heart started to race. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't stand the pain of whenever he thought about love. It started as a tickle, then turned into a slight cramp. It started to take over him. His breaths no longer were calm, but were pained and short. His mind fogged up and it felt like he was going to bifurcate.

He couldn't face it and capitulated. He backed away from her in one step, making her worry about him. His stomach became troubled and his breathing showed consternation.

"Jamie? What are you..." Fall asked.

His face was paralyzed. "I'm so sorry..."

He ran away, never looking back at Fall or the space they were in. The moment that they both were so tenderly engaged in. The kiss that was never theirs. The love that was so heavily relinquished.

He never saw the single tear that flowed from Fall's face.

As depressing at it was, that would be the last time they would see each other for the remainder of their college tenure. They talked three times, but it didn't feel the same as it was back then. The spark was extinguished.

A day after the incident, he attempted to apologize for what he had done on the spot and said so himself. Having enough, she castigated him to the point of harshly stating that she had never liked him. She confirmed this when he asked.

If only the phone was more durable. If only he was more durable.

He collapsed.

Years later, about three weeks from graduation, Fall had matured into a strong, independent person. After her short hair grew longer, she kept it that way. She loved how it was before. She also grew a couple inches.

She abandoned the thought of Jamie, who was dead to her. She didn't care for him now. There was a question, however, that lingered in her mind ever since. Did she do the right thing?

By his state, no. His mental and emotional health tanked, took a turn for the worse. He used to have his hair groomed and maintained well. Now, it was all parted to one side and Jamie wore a beanie to cover most of it. He had slight bags under his eyes.

And he had a gun. He was sitting in a hotel room.

He tried calling his family and telling them what was wrong, but they didn't seem to pick up. Like the last 5 times he tried. Seems like the answering machine was the only one who would listen.

He was in despair. Devoid of hope. He though that he should call the hotline and see what would happen. Or just point the gun onto the chin and shoot. Nobody would care if he was dead. Then. All in an instant, his thoughts focused on Fall.

The one person that he liked. The one person who understood him and made him a better person. The girl who was optimistic, prideful and happy. Also the person that destroyed his mind and feelings. And the one who had scarred him twice.

He smiled. It meant both happiness and bittersweet taste of loneliness. Fall had been there for him, but he was the cause of the effect. The loser who was lovable yet broken. The bile rose to the back of his throat because of the nauseating smell of himself.

But he knew that she could help him. He had no one else. His family wasn't there when he needed them. Some family they were. But, he hesitated to text her. They hadn't talked in so long. He couldn't remember. This was his only chance. He unlocked the phone, opened the app and typed.

Fall was enjoying the breeze outside. She had closed her eyes and saturated herself in the sensuality of the wind. It was like a soft, gliding touch that left as soon as it's path was completed. Bare skin felt ticklish.

Then, the phone vibrated. A gentle buzz then silence. She opened her eyes and extended her arm out, grasping the phone and awakened. To her surprise and disgust, it was a long message from Jamie. It seemed straight from the heart.

"Hey, it's... uh, been a long time." The text read "I know that you are pissed at me and that I am a pussy for running away that day. But, I need you now. You probably don't care, but I do know that you're a kindhearted person. If you don't want to see me, that's fine. I deserve it. Take care, Noya. #215" After that, an address popped up of a hotel.

She thought to herself that maybe this was some joke. Then denied it after noticing that Jamie had never pulled off pranks or humor within their time at college. She had nothing to do. Plus, it was weird. But he was known to be honest.

It was all a whirlpool of thought.

Half an hour passed. Jamie laid on the floor next to the white bed, looking at the ceiling monotonously and without interest. The lamp on the desk was the only source of light in such a gloomy room, encased in sadness, regret and isolation. He sighed. The gun gleamed in the luminescence.

His ears had been tuned down, hearing dull sounds of cars and the air conditioner. He then faintly picked up a knock at the door. Sluggishly, he propped himself up and tread towards the door. He stopped at the handle, his heart pounding painfully. He pressed against the sternum, deeply breathing. He then opened the door.

He peeked a little bit then opened it up. It was Fall. It was like the first day that they met, remembered only like yesterday. Jamie took a few seconds to process this, then ran to her and hugged her tightly. He buried his face into her shoulder, crying. She took a few more seconds to process this, then wrapped one arm around him and placed her free hand on his head, petting his covered head. He invited her in, wiping his tears.

They sat on the side of the bed, catching up on whatever the years put away. Jamie talked about his life, his mental and emotional health and how his work toppled over as soon as his mood hit. Fall talked about her life, how she had unsuccessfully dated people and her ideas.

They chatted for an hour or so. They sky grew dim and the lamp seemed to illuminate brighter than before, even as a store-brand fluorescent bulb. Simultaneously, Jamie's mood and emotional stability worsened.

As he was talking, his words started to trail off and slur. His posture degenerated into a humpback position and he started to stare blankly at the floor. He stayed like that in a catatonic state. He didn't move and his breathing was small yet heavy.

"Jamie?" Fall asked. She repeated the question two times, being worried but also suspicious of his behavior. He didn't move or flinch at all.

She then carefully and slowly reached out her left arm. It lowered so softly onto Jamie's shoulder, but it didn't do anything.

Then, Jamie's eyes dashed towards the window in front of him. His position stayed the same. Suddenly, he got up, dashed at full speed and rammed his head forcefully onto the window. The immense force cracked the window and opened a wound on his forehead, with blood streaming done his face and on the window.

He then placed his hands on the sides of his head, grasped his temple area and swung around violently. He yelled and screamed in agony and pain, shouting "Get them out!" Jamie screamed some more and then proceeded to bash his head on the desk. Blood started to flow even more and splatter on the desk.

Scared and crying, he jumped onto the bed and wrestled around. In his mind, he kept hearing voices and voices, all amplifying with the cochlea. Or within the mind. He kept screaming and screaming while Fall stood there, terrified. She was thinking of what she could do to stop the madness. She couldn't bear to see him tear himself apart.

She then decided to act so he could stop whatever it was. She pinned him down onto the bed, where he was wriggling and squirming for a way to escape. He kept shrieking, tears running down his cheeks. She still remained firm, applying more force to stop him from getting away.

"Hey!" Fall said. "Snap out of it!"

Jamie stopped squirming violently, decreasing in intensity every second, focusing on her voice yet still in panic.

"I.. I can't! Help me!" He squealed.

"Yes, you can."

"No, I can't."

"YES. YOU CA..."

He broke. "NO I CAN'T, YOU CUNT!"

They were still. Jamie stopped thrashing around, Fall stopped talking. She gasped in horror and anger, but also remorse at what he was trying to convey. His face shifted from pure anger to despair and honesty. Fall let go of him and got up, kneeling on the bed. Jamie sat up, arms behind and legs angled and stretched out.

"I can't." He continued. "I.. I..... I'm l, lost." He started to sniffle a bit and the tears gradually reduced to nothing. He wiped his face with his arm "I'm sorry I abandoned you that day. It was a fucking selfish thing of me. I just couldn't handle it."

Fall was confused, but listened. She wanted to see why he left. She always knew there was a reason, as there was behind everything. "Why?" She asked.

Jamie refused to talk, afraid of what she would say. He instead looked down to his right, away from her. She put her hand on his shoulder and comforted him. He looked at her, calmly.

"It's alright. I'm not gonna bite." She assures him. "I should've been there for you. Instead, I wasn't. I acted only for myself when it should've been for others. Tonight, I'm here for you. Please go on."

He nodded and continued. Not before clearing his throat. "Ever since we were friends, we hung out and enjoyed the moments that we shared and the experiences that we got to enjoy. You've helped me through my problems. You're my only friend, to be honest."

He cleared his throat a bit and then continued. "I don't know why, but I felt this feeling that I've never experienced before."

Eager to cheer him up a bit, Fall wittingly responded with a crude remark. "A boner?"

Jamie looked at her, who was smiling a bit. He smiled and chuckled a bit. "No, it wan't a boner. It was something else."

"Like what? I don't understand..." Fall replied.

That was where Jamie got nervous. His breathing started to hyperventilate. It seemed like he would go crazy again. But he calmed himself and told the truth, no matter how much it hurt him.

"Have you ever thought of loving someone, but you just couldn't?" He asked.

Fall thought of this, then her eyes widened. She realized the truth as to why.

He then gripped her tightly again, embracing her. But in a loving and worrying way, something unlike the one at the beginning. Although she wanted to push him away, she didn't. Fall instead reciproacted the hug. They both buried their head on each others' shoulders and stayed like that, taking in deep breaths and closing their eyes.

He continued. "I really wanted to kiss you on that spot and just say, 'I love you'. But, then I got scared. As much as we're the same, we're different. You're persistent, I'm more lenient. You're focused, I'm distracted. You love to get stuff done now and have time later, while I'm the opposite. I couldn't handle the reality of it failing. I'm sorry. I hope you understand."

She was stricken. In a way, she had thought the same thing. But she didn't experience the gut feeling. She only saw the arrow before it was launched. Before it flew through the air. Before it missed the bullseye. However, she did feel love for him. Love, in a way, is just feeling a different sort of happy. Plus, she had connected to him in a more diverse way than anyone else she had met. His positive yet realistic demeanor matched her personality, albeit significantly different and contrasting.

She let go of Jamie and they stared again at each other. Amber eyes with hazel eyes. Their faces were not that close, but the hot air between them still collided like that day out in the rain. His hand, for the first time in a long time, was placed upon her face and she still enjoyed that sensation. She blushed, revealing that trademark smirk.

The space between them diminished into something shared between them. So tender and loving, yet adventurous and thrilling. A wild roller-coaster of compassion and happiness. Something long overdue but was delayed to weather.

As they went on, Jamie's right hand snaked up from Fall's arm to her upper back. Her left hand stayed stationary on his shoulder. They loved one another and the world didn't matter. It just slowed down for them. Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours. The sky began to splotch in their peripheral vision. It was all gone.

They stopped. Fall and Jamie took deep breaths and were excited, their hearts pumping more blood and adrenaline in their system. The latter felt goosebumps and a quaking shiver that traveled down his spine. It was only gone in a flash, but it appeared as it would be endless.

Fall wanted to leave because it was getting late. It was now 9:23, or in military time 21:23. As she got up from the bed, Jamie clasped her wrist tightly to her surprise. She looked back at him. He got up.

"Can you stay here, please? I don't want you to leave..." He asked timidly, keeping a straight face out of nervousness. She could tell this and the way that he said it that he didn't mean it to be forceful. He only asked a question.

She wanted to go because although she loved him, it was too soon and she didn't feel safe. Fall then inferred that he didn't want to be alone because he was afraid that he might revert to his previous state of mind. It could've also been that he didn't want her to leave because he was scared. Whatever the reason, she told him that she would be there for him.

She slightly nodded, scared at what might happen. Jamie sill kept a straight face, but calmly let go of her wrist and looked dead straight at her.

"Whatever you're thinking, I don't know. But I know that you're scared of me. Please don't be." He kissed her forehead, smiled and then walked to the other side of the bed. He picked up the gun, tucked it in his jeans then walked to the door.

"I'll be right back." He said. He then exited, leaving Fall by herself. She waited on the bed, sitting there patiently until he arrived. It seemed lonely. In a way, she knew how he felt. To be isolated. Sound didn't seem to seep in through the walls. It was silent. The cars passing by was scanty, with only the air conditioner's sound prominent in the room.

The door opened. To her surprise, she looked in that direction and saw the familiar face of Jamie. Without the gun. He closed the door behind him and took of the beanie, exposing the parted hair. He then walked into the dark bathroom, flipping the switch and brightening the room.

He brushed and flossed his teeth, and then got a backpack from the left side of the drawer. He brought that into the bathroom and dropped it on the side wall, next to the shower. Fall, curious, rose and slunk over to the side of the frame. She saw Jamie taking off his shirt. He noticed the reflection of her on the mirror, spun around and closed the door.

After an hour, the door opened, releasing traces of hot air into the otherwise normal room. Before this, Jamie was wearing the beanie, long-sleeved shirt and jeans. Now, he was wearing a V-neck, pajama shorts and was barefoot. He also shaved, since a beard was already showing up. The hair that was once parted was now ear-length, longer than it was years ago.

He stepped out, taking in a deep breath and out. He was finally smiling, something that he had given up for a moody outlook. His hair was a little damp from the hot shower, dangling from the head, but he didn't mind. In fact, he loved it. He turned off the bathroom lights, put the backpack back by the dresser and walked to one of the beds.

Then, he saw the other bed. The sheets were crinkled and the pillows were clumped together, but there, Fall was sleeping soundly. She wasn't moving much, but was just sleeping like a baby. He smiled.

Jamie quietly lifted the sheets, put one leg in and then the other then lowered the arm steadily. He squirmed a bit three times to lower himself into the cotton touch, then looked upwards. The darkness reminded him of the college room he slept in before he enrolled in the NYFA. The day he met her online.

Memories on a cassette tape. Life was the magnet.

He turned over to the left and then froze. Fall was fast asleep, facing towards him with her hands supporting the weight of her head. Part of her hair obscured her face as she catnapped. Fall seemed adorable whenever she slept, similar to a kitten curled up in a ball of fur. She always did.

He reached out his free arm and brushed the loose locks of her hair behind her left ear, then lay upwards once again. A few seconds elapsed and she awoke, somnolent. Whilst drowsy, she could see that Jamie was right next to her. She moved her head onto the space where his head and left shoulder met and her body closer. Her hand traveled to his torso.

Jamie was paralyzed. At first, he thought that he did something wrong and taboo and just plain weird. But, she relaxed and kept sleeping. He lassoed his arm around her and smirked.

He kissed her on the forehead tenderly for a few seconds then retracted. She let out a slight moan in pleasure and response. He had done this two or three times, but he still cared about her. Finally, he relaxed his head and neck, biting from the tension. Everything seemed to obscure and become blear. He closed his eyes. The darkness helped him be lulled to sleep. It's as if the overcast covered his vision before his eyelids did.

And everything went dead silent til morning's light.

Three weeks later, graduation befell upon the senior class of the NYFA program. It was a sunny day that time in Los Angeles, and the beaches were somewhat empty. The city was still bustling as always, though it recovered from insomnia a while ago.

Everyone celebrated after the ceremony had concluded. They ate food, chatted with friends, family and familiars and the sort. Jamie spent a few minutes looking for Fall, who also graduated within the same week as he did.

He found her alone in a corner. He smirked, deviously thinking of a fiendish plot to scare or jump her. He started to silently walked to her, heel-to-toe and balancing his weight to offset the noise. IT didn't take long. Then, he raised his arms, ready to strike. He struck. She only turned around in playful curiosity to see who it was that tried to scare her.

He laughed out of pure happiness. She groaned under her breath.

"Really?"

He nodded. She got over it after a few minute and they started to walk around the campus. They then left. The duo kept talking on and on about how the ceremony was boring — they poked fun at it. Mostly, Fall did the crude commentary while Jamie made incoherent noises.

A week later, they visited Seattle again, just to do the similar objectives they had done when they first met in person. They walked around the parks, got something to eat and rented bikes so they could do the Burke-Gilman trail again.

The rental car could wait. It wasn't a taxi.

After returning the bikes, Jamie asked Fall to close her eyes because he had a surprise for her. He led her to the car, closed the door, got in and started the car. He drove down an accustomed road, with the memories rewinding back in his mind. It took him a short amount of time before they arrived.

He, for the third time, parked at the foot of the behemoth and led her out of the car. He guided her as though she was blind and told her to stop, standing still at the spot. He instructed her to open her eyes. Hesitantly, she did. And her eyes widened the same.

The scanned their tickets and got on the elevator. The ride was faster than last time, zooming upwards and minimizing the city's view. Regardless, it still felt sluggish and nostalgic to Jamie's senses. Fall, on the other hand, enjoyed the ride as though it was her first time.

As they leaned on the guardrails, they again experienced and soaked in the vivid and panoramic view of the Seattle skyline. No matter how many times he went up the Needle, it still emanated the same feeling. They were next to each other, enjoying this view. Jamie had yet again cut his hair short and Fall still kept her hair long. They wore jackets, gloves and jeans, but kept their hair untouched.

The sky began to expand into different colours across the sky from west to east and the clouds gave off an orchid hue that contrasted to the sky. The sun still held it's orange hue, although it melted into a wash across the edges.

"Thanks for bringing me up here." Fall said.

Jamie smiled. "No, don't thank me. I'm more than happy to bring you up here again. I really did want to come up here again." He leaned his head onto the crossed arms rested on the guardrail. "So many memories."

She smirked, petting Jamie's head. He sighed a bit, then straightened his posture and exhaled. They again started at the cityscape, the micro-sized cars moving down the busy streets. They were silent for minutes before they ever said anything.

Jamie wanted to ask her something but was nervous to. He wanted to ask her if they could go on a date, but technically they weren't dating or weren't together. It was more or less a month after they had done anything compassionate and he worried that they would just be friends.

Well, he didn't know until he tried. He got ready to ask her the question, but became anxious and pussied out at the last minute. He was just that scared. Going down the elevator, the perspective on the way down didn't distract his thoughts. Nor did the presence of the guardrail.

Getting to the car, he started to sweat and his heart started to beat faster and more violently and stopped moving. Fall already sensed there was something wrong, but entered the car without a word.He took in a few deep breaths, which had little effect but started to piecemeal the anxiousness. He got in the car, shut the door and exhaled. The fear flooded back again, evinced by a ticklish pain in his stomach.

"What's wrong?" Fall asked.

"I think I'm getting anxious again. Hold on."

He took in three deep breaths, tensed up every muscle from 10 seconds and then released. The fear relented and he felt free. He took a stare at Fall's left hand on the center of the car posthaste and slid his right hand under, feeling the smooth skin on the top and palm of her hand sensually. She smiled, relaxing for the influence of his elegant touch.

He then crouched over to the passenger seat, whispering delicately in her left ear, "Do you love me?" She gasped a bit. He regretted his decision. Jamie then quickly returned to his seat and stared blankly at the windshield. He couldn't help but swiftly turn an eye.

Did she love him? Yes. He had treated her kindly and as an independent person, listening to her experiences whether online or in real life. Furthermore, he cared for her as though she was his sister, although probably some other sane person would call that irrelevant. Always happy and honest, even when he wasn't.

One of the more important things was that he respected her opinions and personality, notwithstanding the fact that she occasionally contrasted him and tended to be more controlling than himself. He loved her nevertheless as though they were opposing, there were some things that they could bond over. Granted, it would be hard but he was there for her.

Outlying within the corners of the car transmitted the sound of a song on the radio. Jamie slowly rotated the volume knob to the right, increasing the cordial noise. The song was "Replica" by The xx. The slow, melodic and spacey composition of the song clouded their minds with nothing but ambiance.

Fall laid her hands on Jamie's face, turning his head around lento. He wasn't scared nor angry or anything, the music had soothed him into a calm status indicate by the expression of his face. The subdued indoor lights irradiated the colour of their eyes and streaked yellow across their faces. The space steadily decreased as her lips touched his. They stayed like that for a half-minute, one kissing the other passionately and warmly. Jamie's fingers got tangled into her hair, It was amazing, better than last time. Not that it mattered.

Then they slowly retracted, gaining their breath. The song still played in the background, filtering out reality in the small space of the car. And then it ended. The regular telecast played on. They still wore the heavy clothing when they were up at the penthouse level, so they took it off since they started to heat up. Then, Jamie turned up the AC.

As eh looked back to the passenger seat, Jamie saw the emotion in her eyes. It was more of like seeing through the person, but it was there. As he shifted to reverse and looked the other way, Fall said, "I love you." He gasped a bit then smiled. He thought it was all one-sided. Not anymore.

They drove off.