Never Be The Same Again

Leaves fell to the ground that day.

Birds chirped in the branches that day. 

Frost coated the roofs that day. 

Just like any other day,

Any other chilly morning in November. 

It was unfair.

Unfair that the leaves could drift gently down to the sidewalk.

Unfair that birds could sing their songs and flap their wings.

Unfair that frost could glimmer silently on rough shingles.

Unfair that the Earth could go on turning after what had happened.

Yesterday I would have stepped on the crunchy leaves

And listened with my eyes closed to the music of the birds

And drawn patterns in the beautifully delicate frost. 

But that was a day ago, an age ago.

That was a different person.

That was a girl who hadn't been woken in the middle of the night by a frantic mother.

That was a girl who hadn't collapsed to the ground and screamed into her shirt.

That was a girl who hadn't sobbed until she couldn't breathe and kept on going after that. 

That was a girl who's best friend hadn't killed herself.

I wanted to hit someone, 

To attack someone, 

To beat someone up until they felt even a fraction of the pain I did.

A fraction of the pain she must have. 

But there was no one to attack.

No bullies or cruel girls or mean boys.

No abusive parents or messed up siblings.

No one but the demon inside of her head that broke her down until she brought a knife to her own wrist.

Now the leaves can crumble and the birds can fly away and the frost can melt.

And the whole world can go on in its malicious cycle of creation and destruction.

And people can walk and laugh and talk and live like they did yesterday and the day before.

And maybe one day I'll be able to too.

But it will never be the same again.