Breathless

I saw the headline, it stood out among the endless celebrity trawl and its phrasing captured my interest. It was a news report of an innocent girl working as a cashier in a supermarket who was brutally murdered as police watched. It shocked me deeply that police would act that way so I clicked the play button.

I have always been a big fan of policemen in general, I thought they did a fine job walking the tightrope between keeping us safe and maintaining law and order.

The video buffered, stuttered and then played out it's horrific content. I was expecting a news report from some Asian Newsroom, but this wasn't a news report, this wasn't an outside broadcast reporting the details after the event, this wasn't one of those swooping camera shots taken by a heli crew, this was a murder.

The video played across my screen as the subtitles scrolled beneath and I could not do anything but watch, open mouthed and with my heart in my mouth as the cctv footage revealed its horrific content.

Like a deer caught in headlights I froze.

This poor girl was butchered in front of me by a maniac with a kitchen knife. It was as if I was stood right there watching as the blows rained down. She fought with everything she had and I cheered for her to somehow survive but she lost the fight, and still, long after she lay motionless did the attack continue.

And just feet away as she screamed for help stood two policemen. They too were transfixed at the scene that played out before their eyes as I screamed at the screen for them to act.

They did nothing.

I switched off the video and sat back in my chair as the murder replayed in my mind, again and again it played as I tried to find some reasoning behind their inaction. It continued to play throughout the rest of that day until I resigned myself that any further analysis was pointless.

I felt awful, as though I had seen something that was not meant for my eyes, but most of all I felt guilty for watching as she fought for her life, but I was not at fault.

Why then, if I am not at fault do I feel that I share the guilt with those police? I can't answer that.